It’s here. A full slate of games (except for the ones not being played due to Mother Nature’s shenanigans) to wallow in. Do you have your Doritos, chicken wings, crackers, nachos, bacon-wrapped scallops, pickles, vegetable tray(!?), mozza sticks, pretzels, popcorn, chips, jerky, onion rings, chocolate chip cookies and ice cream in front of you? I do. This day is the bestest as far as I’m concerned and that’s without the Pats being 0-1. Let’s not dawdle-To The Games!
NYJ/Buf: The fight for the AFC East basement begins anew between a team (the Bills) that is obviously tanking versus another (the Jetskis) that seems to regard tanking as a core organizational philosophy.
Atl/Chi: It should be a long season in Chicago. Cutler scurried away as did Alshon Jeffery and then wr Meredith was lost for the year. That’s quite a bit of skilled players to lose year over year. The Atlanta front office has thrown a considerable amount of research funding at a group of scientists that are trying to replicate the memory-wipe thingy from the Men In Black movie.
Bal/Cin: Rb Mixon begins his inevitable unseating of Jeremy Hill from the starting slot but it should be the passing game that is the game decider. Dalton worked to create a rapport with Tyler Boyd after AJ Green went down last year. The latter is back and there is also Top 5 te Eifert in the mix. And don’t forget about little Giovanni coming out of the backfield.
Pit/Cle: Pour one out for DeShone Kizer. He’s going to have the longest year of any player in the league. The ‘d’ stands for demoralized.
Ari/Det: Final score 51-48. You should probably take the over.
Jax/Hou: The Jags have more than their share of young-ish talent. Is this the year when that finally translates into “W”s? I think they’re one more year away but they seem headed in the right direction.
Oak/Ten: Qb Carr has a new OC this year that is giving him greater freedom to change plays at the line of scrimmage. I foresee wr Cooper destroying his previous career highs across the board.
Phi/Was: The Dacteds have won five straight against their divisional kin and get them at home to start the year. Qb Cousins has two new wr’s in Pryor and Doctson but the key to his success comes down to the (according to Football Outsiders) second-ranked pass protecting O-line unit in front of him.
NOW GO GET ‘EM MATEYS!
Raiders looking REALLY good early.
Richie Incognito sighting! DRINK!
/or shit in someone’s mouth
Okay, the answer to the “How Shitty are the Bears this Year?”
VERY
first offensive play belongs to The Pauls. One yard gain. #UnmistakableProgress
A whole yard of it!
Tennessee starting out well.
I thought they actually had a pretty good chance at that one. Titan ran behind the Raider though.
It was a good idea. I can sense DonT smoking.
don’t make too much of a victory over indiana state. they suck almost as bad as IU
If a moment of silence is too much for you to handle…maybe stay home.
Poor guy’s been there since 9 am, and he’s probably loaded
I can forgive that
Nah. I’ve been that drunk. Always managed.
I’ve just watched more commercials in the past 5 minutes than I have in the entire off-season. And it’s not even kickoff yet, c’mon, I wanna see how shitty the Bears are this year!
Dost Thou Not RedZone?
Didn’t do the DirecTV streaming thing this year cause fuck DirecTV
I must say, I do like the smell of my own farts. If that makes me a weird asshole, then so be it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqURlQkFJKU
Oh thank god — it’s been MONTHS since I’ve seen back to back commercials featuring Peyton Manning and that fat fuck who does the centurylink/truecar commercials.
Three products I do not use. Excellent.
GOD, how I love this so very much. Without the slightest bit of hesitation nor guilt. SUE ME, FUCKERS.
I think the first td-commercial-PAT-commercial-kickoff-commercial-3andOutPun-commercial combo of the year and I’m out.
7 hours of RedZone, my kids aren’t here I can pee with the door open
Too poor for redZone (sips single malt scotch) I just have to rely on comments here to tell me when the browns blow it or something surprising happens
Could you not just go by the fact that they’re currently playing?
I hope that eagle takes a talon for the anthem.
2017 Bears Football:
Lets do this motherfuckers!
SCOTT MUTHAFUCKIN HANSON!!!
/blow, courtesans, and Greater Footy FOAR ALL!!!
//HAIL BLEERGH!!!!!!
Fuck your national anthem. And ours too.
PANTS ARE OFF
DRINKS ARE POURED
REDZONE IS CUED
LET’S FUCKIN’ DO THIS, FOLKS
I COULD RUN THROUGH A GODDAMNED BRICK WALL
/yay opiates
Opiates and trump quality construction
shit, coin told me to put Hopkins back in. I MUST LISTEN.
Washington doing the Philadelphia Flyers fight song. Good for them.
Wait…the Philadelphia Flyers have a fight song? Since when does ice football have fight songs?
I’m pretty sure they only have fight songs. Or at least songs during fights.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUb0C0iI_GE
Oh I don’t know, since a little song called Yakety Sax propelled the Quebec Nordiques to 5 straight Stanley Buck Bowls?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnHmskwqCCQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YttscNOoAjA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R3Wv4aIn9w
GODDAMNIT IT’S TOO LATE TO MASTURBATE
Was referring to God Bless America. These are all very good responses.
oh yeah, that ded lady. Game 6 of that series v. Oilers (the year Hextall was good) still gives me chills as a neutral, from childhood memories
I hate packing. I should go to the bar to watch the games and have a pulled pork sandwich, but I would have to put on pants and they’re on the stupid brunch menu until 3 pm. I could wear a skirt and get a burger….I don’t know….
SkirtBurgers!? I thought they closed that place down years ago.
That was the rejected name for the menu at Tilted Kilt.
Honestly, I wish they had called the whole restaurant SkirtBurgers.
Where you can’t tell if the Haggis is fresh or rotten
Wear the pink blouse you got last year. It goes so well with any of your skirts. I…uh, um… Disregard this comment.
Don’t you tech types like postmates?
Shit, now I want a pulled pork sandwich. I have taco meat though, so fuck it, eating beef with a spoon!
/Loses more organs
heroic muzak imminent!!!
Hey, Bills-Jets is a battle for first place! But, ARE YOU READY FOR A SHITSHOW?
/Drinks bleach
What I’d give to have a drunk Rex Ryan call that game…
Oh god yes. Instead we get GANNON BANNED.
“UNIVERSITY OF DELAWARE IS AN UNDERRATED POWERHOUSE”
Games available up in The Canada without a specialty package-
Atl/Chi
Oak/Ten
Pit/Cle
Phi/Was
NYJ/Buf
That’s… not that bad actually.
And you thought Trudeau was #hopeandchange
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMw-Y9hQULM
Weird that he’s got a shirt on there…
They make you watch the Jets, lol.
It’s actually Bills games that we get more than our share of. I’ve done my share of pity-watching.
CANADA’S TEAM!!!
No. Just no.
Got this surround sound thing all fixed up. Bluetooth is back on but I still had surround sound issues (speakers not working). It seems that SOMEONE, probably after the bluetooth wasn’t connecting and the sound bar had not yet been plugged in, reset the sound settings to turn surround sound off.
So, you know, FYI for anyone else who might have the same issue to troubleshoot because some broad got her hands on the remote one day.
I thought Boomer retired. What is this shit?
Serves you right for watching ESPN…
This is fair
I decided to bench DeAndre Hopkins fer Evan Engram (Emmanuel Sanders also available). I have resolved to be MOAR INSANE this season.
Hippo in the league we are playing against me you have already treated me like an NFL wife.
still gots to gets mah fists bloody in auction ball, dawg
/huzzah for KHunt
Well, you earned your red wings on Thursday, so yay for you.
I thought he swore off sex…
fantasy KHunt counts!!
someone needs to make a gif of Jimmy and Terry dancing on the Fox pregame show.
Grillin at 10:30 AM. My balcony looks over a parking lot for the LDS Church. I have a glass of wine and smoking a J while they all load the 17 children to church and look at me with scorn. I make few good decisions in my 40 years of existence, but this is one of them.
That’s why they get for building their church in the middle of project housing.
Too bad it wasn’t and LSD church
If only we had named them “Hurricants” they wouldn’t even be able to hurt us
I really want this to be true.
You know those memes where some famous person is holding a blank paper? I feel like that’s the inspiration for how WAS is going to produce cheer #content every week this season.
HTTR?
Is that the Redacted’s version of Minitel?
I had to take one of my foreign coworkers to the DMV to get his drivers license (VA has this new moronic law that you can’t use a rental car for the driver test…but you also can’t purchase a car unless you have a fucking valid drivers license…)
So VA, there is a MASSIVE wall of all the vanity plates you can get. One of them is HTTR. My coworker thought it had something to do with praising Hitler.
Other empty documents:
http://www.flashpointmag.com/treaties4.jpg
Decisions, Decisions….all with various pros and cons
Pork Rinds (grease) or Funyuns (crumbs)?
Jordan Reed (toe) or Jason Witten (age)?
Bears jersey (more “official”) or off brand tie dye bears shirt (less worried about spilling sauce/bear/saliva)
……. the world may never know
Chinese knockoff jersey so you can wipe the pork rinds grease off while watching Jordan Reed waltz into the end zone.
FUCK YOU RICK SCOTT
http://atom.smasher.org/chinese/chinese.jpg.php?n=Ricky+Caseys&l1=Queer+Fried+Rice&l2=Bitchin+Moo+shoo&l3=Bashing+Peking+Duck&l4=Rick+Fuck+you+assho
Smash that thumbs up button, folks.
“studs who will be duds” – you fucksticks best not have jinxed me, I am against BOTH TY Hilton and Ty Montgomery.
http://c.shld.net/rpx/i/s/i/spin/10124735/prod_2245000012??hei=64&wid=64&qlt=50
This should help
https://c.shld.net/rpx/i/s/i/spin/10124735/prod_2245000012??hei=64&wid=64&qlt=50
fuck you wordpress, you’re ruining the only comedy fun I get to have
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Florida. Sorry the Jags, Bucs, and Dolphins suck!
I’m wondering how bad the damage is in Key West and how long it will take them to get back to parading tits down Duvall Street to cheer us all up.
AND THE SIX-TOED CATS!
I’m pretty sure they’re doing that now.
should have made Fins/Bucs play through it. FUN SHIT
didn’t the bucs and chiefs play through a hurricane once?
“Happy first football Sunday, America!”
See, that’s how you start a broadcast! Good job, Curt!
FEAST OF BLEERGH
I’m watching Fox and there’s no Bradshaw, JJ, or Strahan. Instead there’s Vick, Cowherd, and there’s Cooper Manning doing remote pieces.
Yeah, it’s the PRE pregame show. Fuck us.
I’m watching hurricane disaster porn instead. Far more interesting.
I’m watching actual porn. Far more interesting and satisfying.
“hmmm, I could try “redtube lesbian hurricane” and see what comes back?
Something very sticky for sure.
Get the tsunami one. All wet, no wind.
We’re both getting incredibly aroused by tight eyewalls.
So you’re watching the Bears game too?
I’m stuck doing chores. In lieu of YAAAA FOOTBAW, fuck all y’all.
taking the tarp back off the island, eh?
They should just put up a feed of the FoxSports homepage on autoplay until kickoff.
Glad football’s back because I always welcome another thing to disappoint me.
HOW THE FUCK WE DOIN BOYS??????!!!!! Okay in between anthem protests & disgruntled white men telling me how I should be grateful to breathe their air lets have some fun. Oh Fuck New England. Which game should I focus on at 1 on Directv? Titans-Raiders or Eagles-Washington. The latter is on locally but still I may focus on that because it’s a division game. Be well people see y’all tonight.
If I don’t make it out to the bar to watch, you should watch PHI/WAS and tell me what the hell is happening, since I’ll be stuck watching the Bears fail
Phi/Was is on the local affiliate. The Jets should never be televised. EVER
FREE PREVIEW OF REDZONE!!!!
Goddamn. MOrt is old as fuck now.
Man, looking at the TV maps I wish I had already moved. NO CBS, I DON’T WANT TO WATCH THE COLTS PLAY JUST BECAUSE INDY IS SORT OF CLOSE TO CHICAGO. AND I KNOW THEY ARE THE HOME TEAM, BUT NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH THE BEARS PLAY EVER.
I continue to be punished for moving to Michigan with the Detroit Lions.
I remember when I was in college he looked so young in his Sporting News photo. yes I am old I used to subscribe to that shit
Looking forward to an afternoon of questioning the humanity of Slurs fans.
OMFG guys, like 80 minutes until the heroic RedZone muzak starts!!
I am watching The Directv fantasy channel. Why did I waste my money again. FREE KAP
I have a hangover.
I thought you could handle getting the banner quote. I guess not.
Clearly we were all wrong about that.
I have the “hangover shits” which seems to be a post-40 thing
So many games, so many questions. Will people stop pretending Kaepernick is somehow worse than Random Name Generator Failson White QB backups for like 75% of the league? Will the NFL do anything even vaguely redeemable so I can justify to myself why I’m not joining in on the boycotts? Will the Eagles suck so bad that I can pretend I’m not watching it for purely ideological reasons?
“Failson” describes half of current NFL coaching staffs.
I’ve got peanuts, pistachios, almonds, English cheddar, aged Welsh cheddar, Swiss cheeses, hot and spicy pork rinds, Ruffles and onion dip, with the main event being grilled brats and German potato salad. To drink we’ve got an ocean of beer, a bottle of shiraz, bottle of Buffalo Trace, a bottle of stoli and all the makings for Moscow mules.
Engage!
At the grocery store right now. Clearly I need to up my game to take part.
That’s why I don’t do Sunday Gravy during the season.
I just won’t do it.
I try not to distract myself with eating. Coffee, water, pills.
and it’s before 9 AM here. People, pay attention! That’s commitment right there!
I’ve got peanuts, pistachios, almonds,
http://37.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5fp5z591R1qabfx1o2_500.gif
HOW YOU DOIN” BOYS????
Welcome aboard! There’s beer in the fridge but try to keep your hands off the wife.
Cookies?
THIS BETTER BE FO REALZ
Folks
TFW a Vietnamese family moves in across the street
Spur.
Gonna be on the road and miss the early slate. Pull my Ratbirds thru plz, k thx (and call Redshirt a son of a bitch for me if you see him).
There is a random nodding Rex Ryan taking place behind the Countdown set and it’s creepy as fuck
I have a sound bar with the surround sound speakers and, first, the bar quit auto-bluetooth connecting so I had to plug it in to the TV. But now the surround sound (just a sub and two small speakers) don’t appear to connect. Is this somehow related? I NEED SURROUND SOUND FOR NFL FOOTBAWLL ACTION!
Sounds like a problem with the sound bar connecting to the host if nothing is playing at all.
The bar plays, I just had to plug it in. But now that it is plugged in, I don’t have the surround sound working.
[tries to remember whether or not he’s still allowed inside the Sound Bar]
– Justin Blackmon
EAR HERPES!