HAWT PRESEASON AXXSHUN! Thursday Night

WEEK ONE OF THE PRESEASON WOOOOOOOOOO….

Who’s ready to watch sixth-round draft picks from Middle Tennessee State run into undrafted guys from Cal-Poly and Mount Union?! This is our methadone for the four weeks, before our six month heroin bender begins.

24 teams (that’s 75% of the league; MATH!) play tonight. Here’s the rundown:

 

CLE-NYG

CAR-BUF

CHI-CIN

PIT-PHI

NOR-JAX

TB-MIA

WAS-NE

RAMMIT-BAL

DON Ts-GB

500s-Andy Reid’s BBQ

OL DOUBLE Js-SF

Clots-SEA

 

Get after it, bitches.

 

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LemonJello
LemonJello

Hobo Ed Reed makes a sideline appearance!

jjfozz

ED REED ON THE SIDELINES! HE HAS HALF A CRABCAKE UNDER HIS HAT

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Butcher = Ray Lewis
Baker = Baker Mayfield
Candlestick Maker = ???

Jimmy Grappappollo?

jjfozz

Michael Sam?

SonOfSpam

Maker, not taker.

Spur
Spur

Did Eli drop his ice cream sandwich yet?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Eli has gotten into some pretty heavy metal during this offseason.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Preseason games should just be alternating quarters of one team always being on offense.

Spur
Spur

Lamar! Looking good.

SonOfSpam

Guys named Lamar are athletic!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

His limp-wristed throwing style is reminiscent of a latter-day Chad Pennington.

SonOfSpam

brb gonna go pull the trashcans back in and inhale some burnt Orange County

Redshirt

Way to waste a Fake Punt in a Preseason Game, Bengals.

jjfozz

Goddamn, Lamar Jackson just made a fucking crazy ass run for a td.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Mayfield looking completely unbroken thus far.

Spur
Spur

Browns go undefeated in preseason. Loss next 16 regular games.

scotchnaut

Baker Mayfield a .500 team!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I can feel the excitement

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Or was it excrement?

King Hippo

#ThePauls! Quest FOAR TWO this season!!!!

jjfozz

Guy in Baltimore is at the DMV, goes to take driving test, DMV guy smells weed. Gets out of car, quietly tells off duty cop. Cop goes to car, finds a pound of weed and a handgun with a 30 round chamber. People this dumb should be set on fire – or given a job as the principal of a Baltimore city school.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I remember the dude that got busted with 2kg of heroin and a dead body because the guy was driving with a busted tail light and without a rear license plate.

If I was a drug lord, I would have a mechanic that did regular inspections on the cars and pull everyone’s driving record. The cars would have religious literature and bibles in them. All the traffickers would be trained up on religious crap so that the moment they get pulled over, they would start bugging the cops about their faith.

I would make them all dress up like Mormons.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Who is the chucklefuck at QB for the Bawstahn? Good gob, that’s…that’s Brian Hoyer’s music!?!

jjfozz

Laaaaaamar! Oh god, he gonna die.

jjfozz

I’ve found out over hte past year that millenials are allergic to any kind of manual labor. Jesus christ on a goalpost, those motherfuckers are a bunch of powder puff nancy boys.

Spur
Spur

Try to manager one at work.

jjfozz

I feel your pain.

Redshirt

Ball is on the Chicago 1. First down is pointing to the Orange and Black Stripped End Zone one yard to the right.

They pointed to the one 99 yards away.

jjfozz

Okay, the fucking belt buckle commercial for Geico makes me laugh. Fucking funny cowboys pushing insurance.

SonOfSpam

Just pre-drafted Saquon in all my leagues.

The other owners don’t know it yet, but they will. Oh, they will.

/tries to hang on the last seven minutes before beer

King Hippo

you will feel really smrt until that Week 4 knee owie

SonOfSpam

I’ll change my mind shortly. Just wanna get some preseason overreaction going.

LemonJello
LemonJello

So, I “get” either Ratbirds v RAMMIT! or [*Redacteds] v Evil Empire.

Decisions, decisions, decisions…
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jjfozz

Watch the Ravens, you might get a crowd shot of sweaty Baltimorons in purple camos. You can almost smell them through the tv

jjfozz

Joe Flacco shows . . . ability to move?

LemonJello
LemonJello

He’s invested in U-Haul?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean that’s what you want in a Baltimore franchise.

jjfozz

There are limits sir, and you just crossed them. You’re on the list.

SonOfSpam

Fozz’s list is just out-of-order numbers and poo stains.

jjfozz

And the number of a good bail bondsman

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Literally typing out a comment celebrating Nathan Peterman’s 9 for 9 passing when he throws an interception.

jjfozz

How you buncha loggerheds doing?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Fozz! As I live and breathe, HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN?

jjfozz

I’m good. Working in the best place I’ve worked. Healthy kids, an almost happy wife, and bourbon.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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jjfozz

That’s pure art. Now, what the fuck is it all about?

SonOfSpam

I’d like to subscribe to his newsletter.

Spur
Spur

Folks

litre_cola

Sir.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Todd Haley looks like a broken man.

Redshirt

No one made him go to Cleveland! He went. Voluntarily.

LemonJello
LemonJello

He left the Camaro out on the curb – the tires, airbag and radio were gone this morning.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Most compelling matchup of tonight is me vs. the rest of this bottle of vodka

jjfozz

Go with god, my son

Redshirt

Browns, if you switch your jersey back, no questions will be asked. You can keep the new pants, just take those ugly jerseys off and burn them.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Boo! This guy sucks! Put in the Candlestick Maker!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is “Mancan Wine” a person or a product?

herodotus450
herodotus450

Me at last call: “Man can wine. MAN CAN WINE!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My dog is upset at me for paying more attention to this Browns-Giants game than I am to her, and she’s right to feel that way.

Redshirt

Redshirt (thought): “John Ross just did a good play. Find an appropriate comment.”
Redshirt Brain: “PROCESSING….PROCESSING….PROCESSING….”
Redshirt CPU: “Brain.exe has performed an illegal operation and must shut down. We apologize for any incontinence.”

Redshirt

Okay. AJ Green has caught 2 catches for 2 first downs.

PLEASE GET HIM OFF THE FIELD!!!!

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Touchdown Browns! Tyrod Taylor looking alright against a shitastic Giants team.

Redshirt

(when last year’s #1 pick was a bust – continued)

John Ross slipped giving CHI a Pick-6? Yeah, sounds about right.

King Hippo

ah forgot to change threads. Pills are grate!

anyway, Black Panther 1s gave up a passing TD to J. Peterman, then a redux after said original was called back. That’s…not a positive harbinger.

Redshirt

(when last year’s #1 pick was a bust)

John Ross didn’t fumble? JOHN ROSS DIDN’T FUMBLE!!!

Redshirt

Bengals Kicker just kicked his first extra point. Ever.

Another nice find by the Cincy Scouting Dept.

litre_cola

Oooh some Sudfield action.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Okay, AJ Green caught the ball and got a first down.

GET HIM OFF THE FIELD!!!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

How delusional are Niners fans? A college friend just told me that they are going 12-4 this year.

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herodotus450
herodotus450

I think a mirror is also involved in that record prediction.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

AT BEST.

[Adds “Insanity” to list of Garoppolo Fever symptoms]

scotchnaut

Saquan gets 39 yards on his first carry. As a Giants fan I feel that this is a good indicator for us winning the next 5 Super Bowls.

Redshirt

Geno Atkins just destroyed a guard and threw down the QB with one arm after running past them.

Based on that one play, I see ya there for those 5 Super Bowls.

Redshirt

Ref: “Personal Foul, Roughing the Passer, Defense, Number…”
Me: “Damn it, Burfict!”
Ref: “…Ninety-…”
Me: “Huh?”

Redshirt

Good News: I officially survived the football offseason.
Bad News: So did the Bengals.

litre_cola

Give it to me.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Go Browns…

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