HAWT PRESEASON AXXSHUN! Thursday Night

WEEK ONE OF THE PRESEASON WOOOOOOOOOO….

Who’s ready to watch sixth-round draft picks from Middle Tennessee State run into undrafted guys from Cal-Poly and Mount Union?! This is our methadone for the four weeks, before our six month heroin bender begins.

24 teams (that’s 75% of the league; MATH!) play tonight. Here’s the rundown:

 

CLE-NYG

CAR-BUF

CHI-CIN

PIT-PHI

NOR-JAX

TB-MIA

WAS-NE

RAMMIT-BAL

DON Ts-GB

500s-Andy Reid’s BBQ

OL DOUBLE Js-SF

Clots-SEA

 

Get after it, bitches.

 

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Spur
Spur

#31 for San Fran is getting cut.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

“Definitely.”

-Ray Lewis

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur
Spur

Cowboy Defense time. Let’s see if that Secondary coach is worth all the hype.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

The combined age of the kickers in the game is what…80? 90?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Video of Balls at his compound.

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The Maestro

How did you videotape me at my house?

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Well, he’s no Michael Monroe, but dude’s got some move.

litre_cola

I for one am impressed by both of them. I can pull a hamstring while thinking.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Works for me!”

– Marc Trestman, at a youth soccer league game

Beastmode Ate My Baby

But wait, no, because there are a lot of kickers and OMYGODIJUSTGOTITANDNOWINEEDBRAINBLEACH!!!!

Spur
Spur

The 49ers should rent out the seats for places to sleep to the working poor of Silicon Valley.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

That would be about 90% of the population.

Spur
Spur

it’d be their 1st sellout.

Redshirt

Bengals Radio: “No good! Its short and right!”

Boy, if I had a nickel…

Spur
Spur

Dak Rainbow. looked nice.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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That new crossfit workout is intense.

Spur
Spur

Do you need tip afterwards or is it a flat fee?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Flats are included in the basic package, stilettos are what costs extra.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I assume those stupid toe shoes are straight-out banned.

Spur
Spur

it’s negotiable

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So she does know him, and that is not her purse.

clint greasewood
clint greasewood

Touch Down Josh Allen

Beastmode Ate My Baby

The audio keeps stuttering. This is making me hate FOX even more.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

We will get Spokane FOX and we will like it dammit.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

We sure as hell WILL NOT!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[shakes his head]

– Mike Mayock

litre_cola

GREAT DUMP OFF FROM LUCK !!! HE IS BACK BABY.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur
Spur

Dak Attack is playing? Why?

King Hippo

a goddamned STAR

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

He needs more time to get that rich metallic taste.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Small Dog Across the Street: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK

Me: Look buddy, it’s hot. I know it’s hot. It’s fucking miserable, and I’m sure you are too. I’m sorry your owner isn’t home to cool you down. If it were up to me I’d come over and crank your AC and give you belly rubs. But that would be illegal.

Small Dog Across the Street: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK

Me: [Sighs] I get it. But this isn’t helping anyone. In fact, it’s starting to really get on my nerves, you yappy prick. So, please, can we just both be miserable in silence?

Small Dog Across the Street: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK

Guy Next Door: [Dumps 5 times the amount of necessary lighter fluid on his grill]

Small Dog Across the Street: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK

Me: [Desperately closing apartment windows] Jesus Christ!

Dalmatian Below: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK

Me: DON’T YOU EVEN START!

And that’s the story of how Low Commander died from heat exhaustion, inhaling kerosene or was arrested for punting a dog off the Coronado bridge.

The Maestro

Actually, you’re probably gonna be praised for not punting yourself off the Coronado Bridge, considering the way that story usually plays out…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[sues The Maestro and Low Commander for copyright infringement]

– Tony Scott

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I remember those days. One of the guys with the yappy dog burned himself and set the house on fire trying to make hash on his stove. He went to the hospital, then to prison.

Good times!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[weeps for the memory of the uneaten hash]

– Andy Reid

Beastmode Ate My Baby

The neighborhood was tres mellow for a day or so.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“No, not that kind of hash.”

– Josh Gordon, also weeping

The Maestro

Well the SAWX didn’t win tonight (boo), but Mookie hit for the cycle for the first time in his career. God bless that beautiful man.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

It’s like yer speaking another language…

Senor Weaselo

Hell, if they lose he can hit for the cycle every night!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

My local station was playing footage of some jazz pianist an’ now I WANNA FUCK SHIT UP!

Spur
Spur

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur
Spur

Why is Lamar! still playing? This is 3rd string time

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Day 6 of slightly damaged puppy, and she’s gone from barely able to walk to chasing the cat in a full Sprint on 3 legs. It’s crazy how fast she switched up. I should probably be managing that behavior instead of cheering it on, but fuck it. Urge to choke shitty breeder remains high pending full examination.

litre_cola

I wish you and that dog all the best and the breeder to drink clorox.

Spur
Spur

Start the Cowboys/49er game already.

Gratliff

Why punish the people like that?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The Maestro

Oh god, I felt this in my soul. This was LT on Theismann levels of brutal.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And he is a complete fucking idiot who did it to himself.

litre_cola

But then you wouldn’t get your proper dose of NFL propaganda.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

Theismann’s verbal diarrhea: “Football players played football. Something we haven’t really seen in DC lately.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

I loved it. It was much better than Cats. I’m going to see it again and again.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Ref: “Half the distance to the goal or five yard penalty.”

We’ve had a choice all this time?

King Hippo

Pre-season, when one may behold the wonder that is multiple, rostered QBs worse than J. Peterman.

/don’t wait up for Marv Levy’s slow train

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Methinks comedian Gilbert Gottfried (no doubt inspired by the brave example of Janeane Garofolo) is competing for the #2 job in CLT.

But we all know that Cam’s backup is really “oh well, top 5 draft pick!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

Urine is a more dense liquid than water, ppl forget that.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Yep, and the thrower could have taped razor blades or rusty nails to the baloon just to ensure a courtesy ‘pop’.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Damn, I was in CLT (airport varitial) just 8 hours ago but I didn’t see any Back-Up QB applications. Just as well, I was drinking and would have filled it out in crayon.
(Shit git real 9 SEP’18! WOOOOOO!!111!!1!)

King Hippo

man, I needs to score some for reals heroine for the big night

LemonJello
LemonJello

Will Grumblelord cut all these jabronis/palookas that are losing to the [*Redacteds]? Even if it’s only preseason?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

Brian Kelly training film.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Official “Is It A Catch?” Review. Result: It is catch.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

also you are misusing Scott Muthafuckin’ Hansen NFLN, and need to put that shit right.

NO GODDAMNED SMIRE

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Bonus Clubhouse commissary credit for Commentists who make it through Pokes/Tomsulas!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

I’ll be tuned in for the duration! Some stage of drunk but tuned none the less. But … uh … I quit somking three months ago tomorrow so what else is in the commissary other than smokes and expired health department condoms … edibles?

King Hippo

DAK DAK DAK DAK!!!!!

/there are also Nilla Wafers

//name brand, even. oh, and we FANCY

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Holy shit this Browns announcer’s voice does not match his face

LemonJello
LemonJello

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King Hippo

this was our family’s favourite 80s movie

SonOfSpam

I like preseason because of sentences like: “Ok, let’s see if Mannion can make a play on 3rd and 8…ooh, no, way high on that throw.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Late Sixties/early Seventies tits were the best.*

*may have been raised by my grandfather’s porn mags

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

Justin Tucker just missed a 60 yard FG. Getting LOADS of great FFL info this week!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That is nuts, we are literally watching that show RIGHT NOW.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

That show is fantastic.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Brogan Roback is a very CFL name.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is he a REAL lumberjack?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Should I be frustrated or relieved that I’m in traffic rather than watching a Bears preseason game?

Redshirt

Uh. Relieved. The Bears made the Bengals 1st String Offense look good.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The next possibility: erect.

scotchnaut

If you’re in traffic you should be concentrating on your squegee and those damn dirty windshields.

LemonJello
LemonJello

It does not appear that LA came to RAMMIT! in Balmer.

Redshirt

I’ll just leave this here. It may be needed.

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SonOfSpam

It’s a fucking Cormac McCarthy novel outside. Expect to see cannibalism by Saturday.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

If the Browns keep this up…we may get to see…

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Brogan Roback baby!!!

scotchnaut

I’m dying to see his helmet that is composed entirely of crushed Bud Lght cans.

LemonJello
LemonJello

/Flips up sunglasses
“Natty Light cans, brah!”

jjfozz

Moose, you my hero.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

Colt McCoy hangs his first receiver out for punishment for the season.

King Hippo

Davis Webb’s main skill is making Elisha look cromulent.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

“Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”

scotchnaut

That’s ‘peak performance’ right there!

LemonJello
LemonJello

BLEERGH is in mid-season form.

HAIL BLEERGH!

Redshirt

Mid-season? The refs pointed the wrong way on a first down in CIN-CHI. They’re Playoff Ready!

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

So the scuttlebutt is back to back Super Bowl victories based on this first season game by the Browns.

Never mind that the Browns went 4-0 last preseason…

scotchnaut

/Giants down 10 to the Browns

YOU CAN’T JUDGE THE OVERALL QUALITY OF A TEAM IN THE PRE-SEASON!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sure you can! The Browns are terrible, and the Giants are ten points worse than that.

scotchnaut

[scribbles something completely illegible]

Congrats! You just made my list.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

#mollyonmolly

King Hippo

they, like, oh mah gawwwwwd, see me rollin’
they, ya know, hatin’