CHEATRIOTS

A Letter To My Forthcoming Child: Your 2025 New England Patriots Season Preview

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The Maestro -
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Dear forthcoming child, With so much to do to prepare for your mid-November arrival, I wanted to take a few minutes to write down some fatherly advice to share with you. You may never end up reading this - in fact, staying off the internet outright is probably going to improve

Bye Week Update: New England Patriots

The Maestro -
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In years past, December often meant seeing your favorite childhood things coming out to mark the calendar with excitement and joy. For residents of the greater New England region, it meant being excited for snow, for Christmas, for time off, for passing out drunk in snowbanks, and for touchdowns from

The Party’s Over… For Now, At Least: Your 2024 New England Patriots Season Preview

The Maestro -
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Last season was the nadir of the New England Patriots. It had to be. It MUST be. After utter disaster on the field and the departure of the greatest head coach in the history of football, it was clearly time for a complete and total rebuild of the entire organization.

The End: Your 2023 New England Patriots Bye Week Update

The Maestro -
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[INT. A dark, depressing living room. The curtains are drawn. TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE lies facedown, forlornly, on a couch. The overwhelming stench of Sam Adams, cigarette smoke, and despair lingers all around him. He moans, then, with his face muffled by a pillow, begins to sing.]  This is thah end, beautiful

No Exit: Your 2023 New England Patriots Season Preview

The Maestro -
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SCENE: A locker room in retro Foxboro Stadium style. A massive, oversized, but dinged up Lombardi Trophy stands alone in a dusty display case.   ROBERT KRAFT [enters, accompanied by the LOCKER ROOM ATTENDANT, and glances around him]: Hm! So here we are?  LOCKER ROOM ATTENDANT: Yes, Mr. Kraft.  KRAFT: And this is what

Comfortably Numb: Your 2022 New England Patriots Season Preview

The Maestro -
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[INT. A psychiatrist's office. It's dark, quiet, and soothing, in a sterile sort of way.] [Slow pan to DOCTOR SIGMUND FREUD, who perches in his armchair, quietly contemplating the next question he'll ask his patient.] FREUD: Pleeze, Herr Thomas. Kontinue. I beleef you ver zaying somezing about ... inner pain, ja? [TAWMMY reclines

The Maestro Goes To A Meeting (Your Tuesday Night Open Thread)

The Maestro -
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[EXT. A cold, barren Canadian wasteland.] [A man in a giant parka dismounts from the back of a polar bear. The bear is haggard, having trudged for days through the deep snow while carrying the man.] [The man gives the bear a gentle nuzzle on his snout]. MAN: Thanks, pal. You've earned yourself

Bye Week Update: New England Patriots

The Maestro -
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[INT. - Natick Mall Christmas display. Despite the ongoing COVID pandemic, we see lines of happy shoppers, as well as a gaggle of small children eagerly awaiting their chance to meet Santa Claus.] SULLY THE ELF: Listen up all youse kids! Santa's just runnin' a couple minutes behind sched but should

Return of the Prodigal Son: Your 2021 New England Patriots Preview

The Maestro -
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[EXT. CATHEDRAL OF THE HOLY CROSS, BOSTON.]  [Cut to INT. The archbishop, Sean Patrick Cardinal O’MALLEY, stands at the pulpit, calmly delivering Sunday Mass to a full crowd.] O’MALLEY: I wish to call upon one of our own flock to deliver the next reading for today’s Mass. [A loud belch echoes through the