Last season was the nadir of the New England Patriots. It had to be. It MUST be. After utter disaster on the field and the departure of the greatest head coach in the history of football, it was clearly time for a complete and total rebuild of the entire organization.
CHEATRIOTS
The End: Your 2023 New England Patriots Bye Week Update
[INT. A dark, depressing living room. The curtains are drawn. TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE lies facedown, forlornly, on a couch. The overwhelming stench of Sam Adams, cigarette smoke, and despair lingers all around him. He moans, then, with his face muffled by a pillow, begins to sing.] This is thah end, beautiful
No Exit: Your 2023 New England Patriots Season Preview
SCENE: A locker room in retro Foxboro Stadium style. A massive, oversized, but dinged up Lombardi Trophy stands alone in a dusty display case. ROBERT KRAFT [enters, accompanied by the LOCKER ROOM ATTENDANT, and glances around him]: Hm! So here we are? LOCKER ROOM ATTENDANT: Yes, Mr. Kraft. KRAFT: And this is what
Comfortably Numb: Your 2022 New England Patriots Season Preview
[INT. A psychiatrist's office. It's dark, quiet, and soothing, in a sterile sort of way.] [Slow pan to DOCTOR SIGMUND FREUD, who perches in his armchair, quietly contemplating the next question he'll ask his patient.] FREUD: Pleeze, Herr Thomas. Kontinue. I beleef you ver zaying somezing about ... inner pain, ja? [TAWMMY reclines
The Maestro Goes To A Meeting (Your Tuesday Night Open Thread)
Bye Week Update: New England Patriots
Return of the Prodigal Son: Your 2021 New England Patriots Preview
[EXT. CATHEDRAL OF THE HOLY CROSS, BOSTON.] [Cut to INT. The archbishop, Sean Patrick Cardinal O’MALLEY, stands at the pulpit, calmly delivering Sunday Mass to a full crowd.] O’MALLEY: I wish to call upon one of our own flock to deliver the next reading for today’s Mass. [A loud belch echoes through the
Waiting For Football: Your 2020 New England Patriots Season Preview
A football stadium. A goalpost. Evening. (SULLY, sitting on a sideline, is trying to take off his shoe. He pulls at it with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again. As before. Enter TAWMMY.) SULLY: (Giving up again) Nothin’ tah be done. TAWMMY: (Advancing with short, stiff strides, legs
Brady Bunch in the Bay – The Buccaneers 2020 DFO Preview
Our 2019 Tampa Bay preview focused on the team's nickname and the crab-filching faltching felching stealing quarterback. Well, seasons change, people change, but Tampa Bay's quarterback remains shady. Just in case you missed the news (and the accompanying screeching and wailing from the Greater Boston area), Tom Brady decided to
Important Patriots Update
Walk Unafraid: 2020 Hate Week Super Bowl Narrative Roundup and Open Thread
We’re rounding into the final straightaway before The Pepsi Hard Rock Casino Super Bowl LIV Presented by Odor-Eaters. It’s a tight one this year (somewhere Kobe Bryant just sat up and started paying attention) as the Chefs are a consensus 1.5 point favorite over Santa Clara. This is one of two sub-2-point
