Balls’ Offseason Plans

Well, here we are again at the end of a NFL season. Things may seem bleak.  Maybe as bleak as my Cure-inspired middle of the night ramblings, but fear not, dear readers for we have plans PLANS I TELL YOU for the offseason.

At least I do.

Old School Zero is putting together a more comprehensive post about what we plan to do in the offseason, but I thought I would take the chance to get you folks into my two big things.

As many of you may remember, I chronicled the 2015 Australian Football League season.  I am back and, like my chosen club the Geelong Cats, ready for a great season!  The first AFL Beat will post this Sunday and we’ll go on from there depending on the schedule.  A bunch of us have picked teams (I think Hippo paid for the Broncos’ Superb Owl win by choosing Carlton as his team) and my goal is to get more of you interested and following this awesome sport.

Yes, they actually let the players celebrate and no one fucking died.  Imagine that!  Reason #204 the AFL is run better than the NFL…

The other thing I wanted to mention is hockey.  I’ve noted a large proportion of the DFO readership is into hockey.  Some by birth, having been born in The Canada, and others by simple good taste.  Either way, I’m looking to add more hockey-centred (love ya, Canada!) posts, specially once the regular season ends and we get to the GREATEST TOURNAMENT ON EARTH.

To get ready, I think we need to properly identify all NHL teams so everyone can become more knowledgeable about the sport.  Without further ado and subject to your suggested edits, here is a handy NHL team list:

Boston Bruins = Ice Patriots

Buffalo Sabres = Ice Bills

Detroit Red Wings = Ice Lions

 Florida Panthers = Ice Dolphins

 Montreal Canadiens = Ice Alouettes

Ottawa Senators = Ice RedBlacks

Tampa Bay Lightning = Ice Bucs

Toronto Maple Leafs = Ice Argonauts

 Carolina Hurricanes = Ice Panthers

 Columbus Blue Jackets = Ice Panhandles (look it up)

New Jersey Devils = Ice Generals or Ice Hitmen

New York Islanders = Ice Jets

New York Rangers = Ice Giants

Philadelphia Flyers = Ice Eagles

Pittsburgh Penguins = Ice Steelers

Washington Capitals = Ice Redacteds

Anaheim Ducks = Ice Chargers

Arizona Coyotes = Ice Cardinals

Calgary Flames = Ice Stampeders

 Edmonton Oilers = Ice Eskimos

Los Angeles Kings = Ice Rams

San Jose Sharks = Ice Raiders

Vancouver Canucks = Ice Canadian Lions Liouns

Chicago Blackhawks = Ice Bears

Colorado Avalanche = Ice Broncos

Dallas Stars = Ice Cowboys

Minnesota Wild = Ice Vikings

Nashville Predators = Ice Titans

St. Louis Blues = Ice Ex-Rams

Winnipeg Jets = Ice Blue Bombers

Everyone got it?  Good.  There is also a ton of international soccer on tap, but we’ll get to that closer to summer. See you on Sunday for the first AFL Beat!

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
ballsofsteelandfury

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JerBear50
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JerBear50

Seems like a lot of emphasis on “flying knee to the back of the skull” as highlight fodder.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Member
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Damn, and here I thought we were gonna be discussing Montee Ball’s offseason plans.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

I’m not entirely thrilled about a sports team in Orange County being the “Ice Chargers,” (still kind of a touchy subject), especially seeing as how they’ve actually won a championship and all, but I have no better suggestions, so Hookey away.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

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Spur
Member
Spur

No one likes the NBA? Go Spurs Go

Cuntler
Member
Cuntler

Unfortunately, the NBA is only allowed to have one good team at a time. It gets old. comment image

Col. Duke LaCross
Member

The Wood Raiders?

ThePirateSloth
Member
ThePirateSloth

The Ice Panthers are the most unapologetically European NHL team in history. The culture of hockey is such that a league made up of mostly European men is supposed to comply with certain standards created and enforced by mostly Canadian men. Ideally, the players would act polite in public, drink syrup straight from the bottle, and speak in a manner that sounds like everything is the most matter of fact thing you’ve ever heard in your life. https://youtu.be/RPHnTSmvBAw

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Some of those Penguins teams of the mid-late 90s would like a word…

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Duh…

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King Hippo
Member

Man, I loved coming home from my summer job (I was in college 1991-95) and watching those Pens team late night (sometimes on tape delay, because RSN coverage was shitty) sojourns.

Remember when they clinched their Stanley Cup sweep over the Shithawks like 6-5? Good times.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

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Wakezilla
Member

Ice Canadian Lions is a little long. Vancouver Canucks could also be: Ice Liouns (because Canada joke and it’s shorter), or Ice Mountain Lions (because the Lion used is a mountain lion and the team was originally going to be called the Mountain Lions).

I hope the Raiders move to LA because the Kings and the Raiders best represent each other, as does Anaheim and the Rams in terms of popularity in California. That would make the Sharks the Chargers, which works out. We’ll talk about that next year.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

I vote Liouns.

King Hippo
Member

Oh, and the Hurricanes should totes be the Ice Shyhawks (Raleigh/Durham’s USFL expanion franchise, which I think won a total of 1 game before it folded).

Beerguyrob
Member

Call them the Ice Whalers, because then we can play “Brass Bonanza” unapologetically.

King Hippo
Member

Captain Carlton fears no man nor Geelong Cat! Whatever the fuck that is!!!

monty this seems strange to me
Member

I hear those Hurricanes all they do is trash talk and they’re not real leaders and they don’t know how to lose graciously.

The Maestro
Member

MONSTER ICE FOOTBALL TRADE BETWEEN ICE REDBLACKS AND ICE ARGOS

SENS GET PHANEUF AND CONTRACT DUMPS

LEAFS GET COWEN/GREENING/MICHALEK (GARBAGE) PLUS PROSPECT PLUS SECOND ROUND PICK

OTTAWA GETS RID OF ITS TRASH

I AM FREAKING OUT

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

I’m genuinely surprised about this deal.

Beerguyrob
Member

I thought Zombie Phaneuf would haunt the Laffs forever.

Wakezilla
Member

Honesty, now that Phaenuf is a second line d-man, I think he’s going to be really good on a consistent basis and I look forward to watching Leafs fans screaming bloody murder when Phaneuf looks great.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“Remember, no names. Just call me ‘Ice Cowboy'”.

– Todd Marinovich, to Ryan Leaf, putting on a stocking mask as they prepare to rob a pharmacy.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I cannot help but feel you’ve included the handy-dandy NHL name converter for my dumb arse.
Even if not true, my dumb arse thanks you anyway.

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

I had to ask for the Devils conversion last night.

nomonkeyfun
Member

I always thought they were the Ice Jets, and the team that has recently left the Mausoleum, were the Ice Landers.

Cuntler
Member
Cuntler

Calling the Blackhawks the “Ice Bears” seems terribly insulting to the Blackhawks.

Enrico Pallazzo
Member

I’m not looking it up. You tell me why I’m a fan of the Ice Panhandlers, dammit!

nomonkeyfun
Member

Fucking Aussie rules. My first concussion, I assume.

Played it at Summer camp, got blindsided by a guy who outweighed me by 30 or 40 pounds.

I never formed a memory of that day, except for watching Basic Instinct for the first time, in the girls’ cabin.

I probably could have been hit by three NFLers that day and still remembered that.

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

At least you remembered the important part of the day

nomonkeyfun
Member

Well, yeah. The guy only damaged my brain. A much more important organ was not injured, until later on.

jjfozz
Member

Self inflicted injury, I assume

nomonkeyfun
Member

Yes, but not through intentional action. Priapism can be a pain in the…

Cuntler
Member
Cuntler

Hey, do more travel posts. Your Vancouver post is still one of my favorite things from this site.

yeah right
Member

I’m going to make a serious effort to see the Vikings new stadium this fall. I will document it if I do.

jjfozz
Member

I want to follow the AFL – anyone know what channel i can find that on if i have comcast digital sports package in maryland? fuck if i can find it.

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

I can get into more footy and hockey any day of the week.

blaxabbath
Member

Does RTD’s “not-illegal” gear site sell AFL stuff? I feel like it’s something that will give me hipster cred.

Also, fuck hipsters.

blaxabbath
Member

re: AFL 2015 Season Highlights

Australia is a very white country, isn’t it?

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Did someone say Ice Ram It?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

That sounds…even more uncomfortable than normal

Beerguyrob
Member

That was Aaron Rodgers, hoping to meet one of those nice Ice Cowboys.

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