As many of you know, I am the founder and proprietor of this particular dick joke and football blog. I am also a man without a country, NFL fandom-wise. Not all of you know, but I’m a born-and-bred St. Louisian, so today’s news hits me HARD. I’ve now had two teams leave me. The team of my youth, the Cardinals, left because we wouldn’t build them a stadium. The team that brought a Super Bowl and the most entertaining football I have ever watched, the Rams, is leaving because…um…an asshole with 7.7 billion dollars needs to be richer.
My city has bent over backwards to appease a poorly mustached dillweed in a fixed match where he was going to get his way regardless of what we did. So, the Rams are leaving. The only city that tried to keep their team loses it, while Oakland gets extra money that was denied to St. Louis, even though they have no plan for a stadium, and play in a stadium built in the 60’s. This means that I’m unshackled. I will never watch the Rams as a fan again, only as my least-favorite team. I know I solicited requests for a new team, but let’s have a little bit of fun with it. Here is every team I will consider. Not making the cut? Rams [DUH] Cardinals [ALSO ABANDONED ME] and Patriots [JUST NO]. The St. Louis Rams are dead, long live…
Who gets your vote?
- Kodos (90%, 19 Votes)
- Kang (10%, 2 Votes)
Total Voters: 21
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Do not become a Rough Riders fan. They’re like St. Louis Cardinals fans meets Green Bay Packers fans meets Patriots smugness. “Riders are the best fans in football because they own the team and because nobody knows our pain and suffering because of the too many men on the field call. We should be a dynasty like Bread Basket of Canada!”
You gotta become a Seahawks fan. They’ll take care of the Cardinals and the Rams for you!
We’ve added Hobo Ed Reed to the staff. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
http://deadspin.com/this-should-be-fun-1752852668
If you are a hunter, work in construction or have Bears gear without the logo; don’t do the Broncos.
http://56.media.tumblr.com/3be6f24716b5b93351bb2f69f9b2b477/tumblr_nvo1edd9yz1qze55oo1_1280.jpg
Nice song to enjoy with a beer after work:
https://youtu.be/VnOkUk9Ynwk
Browns, Bills and Jaguars in the top five? You people are sadists.
I know – I thought I had friends here…
http://41.media.tumblr.com/1854968f8e8ab9cf960d6d98334816a4/tumblr_nw1i5dSuEj1qz6f9yo2_r1_500.jpg
I suggest you take a page from NFL Ownership- completely ignore the advisory vote and do what will make you the most money.
I’ve got $2.64 in coins that can be yours. Right. Now.
#YaGottaBill-ieve
True perfection would be if the Raiders moved to St. Louis and took the deal that the locals wanted to give Kroenke, and the 100 million from the league. This would be perfect.
That would be beautiful. The Raiders are young and fun. Perfect new wife candidate.
Hello! And welcome to THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS 12TH MAN. We see that you have unfortunately decided to decline your SEAHAWKS 12TH MAN CARE PACKAGE. We are tremendously sorry that you are not joining us for more exciting SEAHAWKS 12TH MAN EVENTS in the future. In the bottom of your SEAHAWKS 12TH MAN CARE PACKAGE, you will find instructions on how to return your SEAHAWKS 12TH MAN CARE PACKAGE to our facilities in the scenic Pacific Northwest that you will never visit. For those with a green mind, we have included suggestions on how to recycle your SEAHAWKS 12TH MAN CARE PACKAGE, because we know you care more about the environment than a QUALITY NFL team to cheer for.
Please accept our humblest apologies for sending you our SEAHAWKS 12TH MAN CARE PACKAGE that you clearly did not want. As a parting gift, please accept this official SEAHAWKS 12TH MAN Idiots Guide to the NFL, because you obviously can not tell which team is the QUALITY and WHOLESOME team to cheer for in the entire NFL.
Thank you and have a wonderful day!
Christ, that passive aggressiveness is really hard to put into words. I need a drink now to get out of that mode of thinking.
12th man is a registered TM for Texas ATM. Membership into Seahawks 12TH man program is non-transferrable. Not valid NV, NY, UT, MS and WA
OR HAWAII, MOTHERFUCKER
I like how even alphabetically from team name or by state name the Jets shouldn’t be last yet the poll knows the Jets are last.
Ahahahahaha that’s amazing.
well damn now it’s no long the case… but believe me new folks this was a true statement!
54 votes?! [DFO] is #trendsetting!
I know, right? Get the word out – send out links and stuff, guys!
I’ll root for the Rams if you root for the Chargers. It would be a great experiment for next year.
Ha! Love it. I get King Lazerface, you get Gurley.
I’ll swap Gurley for Gordon, for sure. Plus, you get Teo’s girlfriend(s).
OSZ: “You got your Rams in my Chargers!”
DTZM: “You got your Chargers in my Rams!”
The result? Deliciousness.
ChaRamgers
How about the San Antonio Raiders?
DTZM: I’m going to go beat Dave Peacock and Bob Blitz like piñatas until the money they got for putting together St. Louis’ proposal comes out. Wanna come?
I’ll meet you there! We’ll go for toasted ravioli and gooey butter cake after!
Granted the traffic here is fucking horrible but it really shouldn’t take 21 years to go from Anaheim to Inglewood.
http://www.distancesfrom.com/us/map-from-Inglewood-to-Anaheim/MapHistory/23535097.aspx
You should root for the Browns. It would actually be pretty impressive if you joined the fanbase at the franchise’s absolute lowest point*.
*also applicable in years 1999, 2000, 2003-2006, 2008-2013 inclusive.
http://blog.cleveland.com/sports/2008/02/medium_flagx.jpg
You put Saskatchewan on a ballot, what did you think is going to happen? You should have thought this out more…
Hey, I’ll be a RoughRider ’till I die…er?
RoughRiders come from behind to jump on top.
/Or words to that effect
“Roughriders? Where do they meet?”
-Aaron Rogers
There’s always the Chargers! Between the terrible ownership, threats of moving to LA (although I don’t think they move now) and decrepit stadium, you’ll feel right at home! And if they do move, you’re right back in the same boat, and can continue to hate LA with new friends at your side.
Bonus: BOLTMAN
/Optimistic Chargers fan
http://i.embed.ly/1/display/resize?key=1e6a1a1efdb011df84894040444cdc60&url=http%3A%2F%2Fpbs.twimg.com%2Fmedia%2FCFVYO3XVEAAjTDu.jpg
“Save Our Bolts” is also a good slogan if you’re a member of a crossbow brigade. Waste not, want not!
Important. Some Rams players call themselves “RAMILY”.
RAMILY
LET’S RAM IT, RAMILY!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxkKlzInR4Y
And on a more serious note, what’s your take (or TAEK!) on those that have been saying St. Louis is getting what it deserves after stealing the Rams from LA in the first place? I don’t have a side, just been seeing it crop up from some LA friends and other randos and wanted your perspective.
Well La just stole the Rams from Cleveland a month after winning the NFL Championship
FACT. After the Cardinals left St. Louis, I had no sympathy for any other city. I’m not mad at Rams fans in LA. I’m absolutely not. The ones rubbing it in and saying we deserved it though? FUCK THAT. We averaged 57,000 fans to watch the worst team in the league over the last 9 years, with the specter of Stan moving hanging over the team. We still came. We are an NFL city that the NFL doesn’t want. My city took the Rams because LA didn’t want them and showed it by not going to the games. Our leadership was just so desperate to get a team that they signed that disaster of a lease with the out clause. ANYHOO, LA can enjoy their Rams, sunshine, beaches, Kardashians and whatever. I’ll be here laughing when they stop giving a shit again.
We’re not giving a shit now, so I guess you can start laughing already?
I think it’s not so much that their team was stolen but that unlike other cities that didn’t make much of an effort to meet the NFL’s admittedly ludicrous demands to keep their respective, St. Louis was willing to be the bitch and got fucked over anyway.
St. Louis spent real money preparing that proposal, millions of dollars, and the league didn’t even look. There was no chance they would accept anything, they just wanted to make it look like they would. They changed the requirements repeatedly and neutered their own LA relocation committee. It was a joke from the start, and they let us spend our money so they could pretend they weren’t already packing the vans. I’m disgusted by the entire process. The fix has been in since Stan bought the team in 2010.
You’re absolutely right. This was a foregone conclusion as soon as Stan bought that property at Hollywood Park. The rest was just a dog and pony show.
I feel truly sorry for the good folks of St. Louis who made a genuine effort to keep the team.
Given the previous exchange we had where you rejected Bears fandom due to being a Tony LaRussa DUI defender, I voted for the soon-to-be-London Jaguras. Mostly because I’m holding out hope they change their name to the Silly Nannies.
Ha! I’m so mad that it actually happened, I’m open to the Bears again.
Have you considered “meteor”?
http://i838.photobucket.com/albums/zz304/Soleya_bucket/Summer%20Glau/tumblr_lggbybVddR1qzblb4o1_500.gif
http://www.wallpapervortex.com/s4_wallpapers/s4_16582_summer_glau.jpg
http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ll95lss1Sv1qi2rejo1_r1_500.gif
http://img.ifcdn.com/images/e53d787395b7111046f8309558ae54fe43d8caa548f9036ec3b57bfa8ed91b69_1.gif
http://images2.fanpop.com/images/photos/7200000/Summer-Glau-Tyler-Shields-Photoshoot-summer-glau-7274780-1198-798.jpg
So, word is that the other dissenting vote for the Rams and Chargers move was from Cincinnati. The reason? Teams in Los Angeles would mean more revenue for the league and in turn a higher salary floor.
That’s right, Mike Brown wanted to deprive the league and even himself of extra money because he didn’t want to spend more.
Well, with Hillary thinking middle class tops out at $250,000.00, Brown knows this next administration is going to blast him in the ass with the higher revenue’s associated taxes.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ma33dmFmVq1rsl308o2_500.jpg
That’s awesome!
It’s amazing. Kroenke basically took a dump in the mouth of St. Louis and you could argue he’s only the third or fourth worst owner in this whole situation.
DTZM, sir, considering you have your have founded and proprieted a dick joke football blog, I’m assuming you are over 30. If that is true, you’re going to be moving to Arizona to retire (or semi-retire to get away from those nasty midwest winters) pretty soon here anyways, so you might as well adopt the team now. Bonus – you stay in the division, which is a Shady McCoy-esque move, to hate on the Rams.
Or just be a Cowboys fan. Prickhole owner, perpetual mediocrity, “classic” unis. You’ll slide right in.
Regardless of who you go with, thank you for this here blog thing. I could not fully enjoy the NFL without it.
He’s right, Az fans are cool, and they get 2 shots a year at Seattle too, so there’s that.
We’re ecstatic to have you here. Without the commenters and writers here, DFO is just a poorly-optimized wordpress site.
Other pic didn’t work, let’s try this one
jhttp://cdn4.teen.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/christina-hendricks-pushing-up-boobs.gif
I apologize for another pic of her butt instead of boobs. Sticking to the Whedonverse though
http://rs123.pbsrc.com/albums/o292/jax328/female-celebs/christina-hendricks-ass.gif~c200
I hear the Factory needs some more raw materials to produce more sadness. Plus they already had a team taken away from them. So the NFL surely wouldn’t do that again right?
Oh…um…http://media0.giphy.com/media/4pMX5rJ4PYAEM/giphy.gif
http://www.cosmicbooknews.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/600_wide/wysiwyg_imageupload/1/avengers-portrait-black-widow.jpg
That’s a very nice looking weapon.
Nice and taut.
How about just a general Whedon-verse hot girl theme?
http://i.imgur.com/8bNGLFW.gif
http://31.media.tumblr.com/0a338dc95189a7080c0439d19d87aa39/tumblr_inline_nuo96n9nHm1rpdlxb_500.gif
If you ever met me you would know I have an inappropriate crush on Summer Glau
How can one not?
Can such a thing be inappropriate?
While I won’t speak for MTWV…if I ever met her in person I could make it very inappropriate, yes.
Detroit. Equally charming as St. Louis.
People hate SMG. I will go Charisma Carpenter
http://45.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me9sn9nmv11r1wyxno1_250.gif
Actually. Like this one
http://57.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me9sn9nmv11r1wyxno4_250.gif
I met her in a grocery store parking lot. She was so flustered by my advances that she locked her keys in her trunk.
I was already posting random crap in last nights open thread. I will continue in today’s thread. Still watching Buffy so SMG for no reason
http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz28eoSl9P1qmq5zg.gif
/suspects you posted this to annoy me
//admits she’s hot when she’s not….you know…talking
To be honest I forgot you hated her so much. I wrote like 3 msgs in her defense on the other thread but I wasn’t persuasive enough in any of them so just deleted them
THESE ST. LOUIS RAMS FANS I CALL THEM SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO THINK BACK TO THE 1990’S TO REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES.
If I can make my pitch here DTZM…
Come to the New York Giants. We can win a championship once in a while, but you won’t miss out on the infuriating despair that is watching them play down to every lesser opponent and up (but up enough?) to every good team they face, forever, without fail. You’ll get the NFL experience. But most of all:
THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU AGAIN. The Giants aren’t going anywhere, sweetie. The bad man won’t hurt you no more. You’ll have a nice stable home with really whitebread parents. And if you get so fed up with their crap you can’t take it anymore, you can just run away to go be a Jets or Bills fan. I recommend the Bills because I feel like most of their fans exhibit parental issues and no one should have to be a Jets fan.
This is a good solid suggestion.
Logic on top of logic. Nice…
You know what news should have hit you HARD? That the economic outlook of the Gateway is so poor that a billionaire with ownership in a publicly protected monopoly would been risking financial ruin to stay in a subsidized stadium in that area.
Seriously though, the proper exclamation point to this saga is STL Rams fans going all ISIS and roadside bombing every Rams home game. If you guys don’t do that, you were never really fans in the first place and, thus, never did deserve a team. #greatresponsibility
I’m just glad someone is going to LA. I was waiting for the Cardinals to change to the Glendale Cardinals and then subsequently move to Glendale, CA.
SNEAKY!
The Cardinal is not native to Armenia, so that wouldn’t work.
I’m also hoping that Jeff Fisher’s moustache has already inked a porno deal. That is the real cultural import of the SoCal move.
I’m surprised they haven’t already announced Fisher’s firing. They’ve gotta go out and get a sexy new hire.
http://pbs.twimg.com/media/B_w6hNdUgAAsoNy.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/CBiKFGc.png
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–XE91WUPq–/18qj4arzd8pw5jpg.jpg
http://www.pewterreport.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/SMITHWOES.jpg
http://assets.espn.go.com/photo/2009/0328/nfl_g_singletary1_sw_576.jpg
http://www.bleachernation.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/jim-mora-playoffs.jpg
http://www.sfexaminer.com/wp-content/uploads/AP_163351710199-copy-e1438227425158.jpg
The tinier and tinier pictures are amazing.
http://www.thespish.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Jeff-Fisher-2.jpeg
As much as he’d love to troll his ex employers up north, I suspect Jimmy’s quite happy being a MICHIGAN MAN right now, and for the foreseeable future.
Soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBAl9cchQac
http://www.cubbytees.com/ShirtPieces/Ditka_Finger_Photo.jpg
http://media2.fdncms.com/nashville/imager/oktoberfest-beer-okportunities/u/original/3892328/1379182008-ditka.jpg
I’ll never stop loving how Bears fans don’t realize those bits were mocking us.
http://cdn.fansided.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/30/files/2013/07/rich-kotite.jpg
Whoops. Seems I missed Tiny Kotite in the telescoping thread of coaching sadness.
What’s funny is that Jim Caldwell is in half those photos, expertly hidden.
I am sending you a New Ravens Fan Starter Kit, inside you’ll find:
– Talking points on how to defend Ray Lewis innocence
– Talking points on how to defend Joe Flacco’s eliteness
– Talking points on condemning Janay Rice
– A pair of faded purple camo shorts, wearing them is up to you
– A six pack of Natty Boh, open one and throw out the rest because it sucks
– Pack of generic smokes, they can’t be enjoyed anywhere in the stadium, since Baltimoreans are so health conscious
– A canister of unfiltered Steeler/Pittsburgh hatred, to be applied liberally throughout the year
– Schizophrenia, which will be magnified by Ozzie Newsome’s draft choices
Best of luck and welcome to the team!
No purple camo jorts? Or are those only for the most seasoned Ravens fans?
YOU HAVE TO EARN THOSE!
As much as I would love to recruit you to the Redacteds club, and they have a sort of half-assed non-divisional rivalry with the Rams, and they’re never gonna move cities as long as DannyBoy is alive, I’m not really sure I would wish this fandom on anyone I don’t hate. We’re actually a pretty fun bunch, from an insider point of view (I fully recognize we’re totally obnoxious from an outsider point of view, but what fanbase isn’t?) and the NFC East being overexposed means you get a fair amount of prime time games, but you already dealt with one dickhead owner, you don’t need another.
Geographically, you’re close to a few teams…Chiefs are historically bad, but have been improving, Colts have been good for the last decade or so, but sucked this year…The Bengals will probably destroy your soul with playoff losses…and the Titans are the Titans. For future happiness, I guess I’ll go with the Colts. They have a QB that should last a while, and when you get old and fat you’ll still be skinny and attractive by the standards of the rest of the fan base. Win-win!
I’m glad I’m not the only one who loves their team but wouldn’t wish their fanhood on anyone.
If DTZM became a Vikings fan I would never forgive myself for the therapy and suicidal thoughts that would inevitably occur.
Unrelated note, my auto correct tried to change suicidal thoughts to suicidal thighs.
I may have found my new band name.
http://s6.favim.com/orig/140417/cuts-cutter-depressed-suicidal-Favim.com-1679718.jpg
How can you ignore the Juguras? TEAM OF DESTINY!!!
One write in vote for Saskatchewan RoughRiders….check.
If DTZM actually chooses the RoughRiders, the Commentists need to send him a nice #69 jersey.
http://i.cbc.ca/1.2974448.1424986924!/fileImage/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/16x9_620/rob-ford.jpg
Take another look at the poll… JUST FOR YOU
Stuff that box!!!
(I mean the ballot box you pervs)
So when it comes to placing votes in the proverbial box, I guess you’re saying DTZM needs to….RAM IT?
http://swoonworthy.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/lets-ram-it-2.png
Nicely played.
With the dollar expected to hit $1.50 by summer, a DFO roadtrip to Regina should be in your cards.
I suggested Tennessee for geographic reasons plus they are a newer franchise and you’re getting in near the ground floor.
Chicago could make sense but there is that whole Cubs/Cards enmity to consider. KC is in the same state but on the whole t’other side plus I find them painfully boring to watch.
Good luck.
I’m beginning to think the NFL’s biggest blunder in the past 25 or so years is giving an expansion team to Jacksonville. Consider the five expansion candidates in the early ’90’s:
– Baltimore
– Charlotte
– Jacksonville
– Memphis
– St. Louis
If the NFL doesn’t give a team to Jacksonville, it saves at least one of the Browns, Oilers, or Rams from moving (I’m assuming the the state of Tennessee would only have one team). Considering that Houston and Cleveland ultimately got new teams to get the league to 32, if the Jaguars never exist, the 32nd team could have been Los Angeles or whichever city that lost its team to fill Los Angeles or one of those expansion markets.
So this is really all Jacksonville’s fault.
err the Titans were going to move to Memphis but Nashville swooped in at the last min. So Memphis people hate the Titans and largely root for the Saints.
I did not know this. I had thought Memphis was always planned a pit stop on the way to Nashville.
its like one of those things where Memphis and Nashville were bidding and Nashville won out, Memphis had the Ten. Oilers as a kind of consolation prize. but Memphis citizens are still pissed about them going to Nashville. They also had been working since the 80’s to get a team.
Now this is coming from folks who live in Memphis and people in Memphis hate Nashville so how much truth is there that they had a chance? I don’t know, but what I do know is they are more likely to say “Who Dat” than cheer for the Titans.
in your current state of mind I welcome you to the browns fandom where misanthropy and miserableness is a sign of commitment to our ever growing football club!
I appreciate the lower-case, e.e. cummings / k.d. lang effect. Really ties the misery together.
Buffalo Bill’s
defunct
who used to
ride a watersmooth-silver
stallion
and break onetwothreefourfive pigeonsjustlikethat
Jesus
he was a handsome man
and what i want to know is
how do you like your blueeyed boy
Mister Death
I went with the Bears not only because I am a fan but they are also just across the river. Plus we hate ourselves enough you would never be without something to mock
Forget the Titans. They’ll be foisted on St. Louie eventually. Hopefully you’ll have another team by then.
“Why is ‘banana’ not an option?”
– Trent Green, considering his pudding options.