WEEK ONE OF THE PRESEASON WOOOOOOOOOO….
Who’s ready to watch sixth-round draft picks from Middle Tennessee State run into undrafted guys from Cal-Poly and Mount Union?! This is our methadone for the four weeks, before our six month heroin bender begins.
24 teams (that’s 75% of the league; MATH!) play tonight. Here’s the rundown:
CLE-NYG
CAR-BUF
CHI-CIN
PIT-PHI
NOR-JAX
TB-MIA
WAS-NE
RAMMIT-BAL
DON Ts-GB
500s-Andy Reid’s BBQ
OL DOUBLE Js-SF
Clots-SEA
Get after it, bitches.
Hobo Ed Reed makes a sideline appearance!
ED REED ON THE SIDELINES! HE HAS HALF A CRABCAKE UNDER HIS HAT
Butcher = Ray Lewis
Baker = Baker Mayfield
Candlestick Maker = ???
Jimmy Grappappollo?
Michael Sam?
Maker, not taker.
Did Eli drop his ice cream sandwich yet?
Eli has gotten into some pretty heavy metal during this offseason.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkDDegLEcwE
Preseason games should just be alternating quarters of one team always being on offense.
Lamar! Looking good.
Guys named Lamar are athletic!
His limp-wristed throwing style is reminiscent of a latter-day Chad Pennington.
brb gonna go pull the trashcans back in and inhale some burnt Orange County
Way to waste a Fake Punt in a Preseason Game, Bengals.
Goddamn, Lamar Jackson just made a fucking crazy ass run for a td.
Mayfield looking completely unbroken thus far.
Browns go undefeated in preseason. Loss next 16 regular games.
Baker Mayfield a .500 team!
I can feel the excitement
Or was it excrement?
#ThePauls! Quest FOAR TWO this season!!!!
Guy in Baltimore is at the DMV, goes to take driving test, DMV guy smells weed. Gets out of car, quietly tells off duty cop. Cop goes to car, finds a pound of weed and a handgun with a 30 round chamber. People this dumb should be set on fire – or given a job as the principal of a Baltimore city school.
I remember the dude that got busted with 2kg of heroin and a dead body because the guy was driving with a busted tail light and without a rear license plate.
If I was a drug lord, I would have a mechanic that did regular inspections on the cars and pull everyone’s driving record. The cars would have religious literature and bibles in them. All the traffickers would be trained up on religious crap so that the moment they get pulled over, they would start bugging the cops about their faith.
I would make them all dress up like Mormons.
Who is the chucklefuck at QB for the Bawstahn? Good gob, that’s…that’s Brian Hoyer’s music!?!
Laaaaaamar! Oh god, he gonna die.
I’ve found out over hte past year that millenials are allergic to any kind of manual labor. Jesus christ on a goalpost, those motherfuckers are a bunch of powder puff nancy boys.
Try to manager one at work.
I feel your pain.
Ball is on the Chicago 1. First down is pointing to the Orange and Black Stripped End Zone one yard to the right.
They pointed to the one 99 yards away.
Okay, the fucking belt buckle commercial for Geico makes me laugh. Fucking funny cowboys pushing insurance.
Just pre-drafted Saquon in all my leagues.
The other owners don’t know it yet, but they will. Oh, they will.
/tries to hang on the last seven minutes before beer
you will feel really smrt until that Week 4 knee owie
I’ll change my mind shortly. Just wanna get some preseason overreaction going.
So, I “get” either Ratbirds v RAMMIT! or [*Redacted] s v Evil Empire.
Decisions, decisions, decisions…
Watch the Ravens, you might get a crowd shot of sweaty Baltimorons in purple camos. You can almost smell them through the tv
Joe Flacco shows . . . ability to move?
He’s invested in U-Haul?
I mean that’s what you want in a Baltimore franchise.
There are limits sir, and you just crossed them. You’re on the list.
Fozz’s list is just out-of-order numbers and poo stains.
And the number of a good bail bondsman
Literally typing out a comment celebrating Nathan Peterman’s 9 for 9 passing when he throws an interception.
How you buncha loggerheds doing?
Fozz! As I live and breathe, HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN?
I’m good. Working in the best place I’ve worked. Healthy kids, an almost happy wife, and bourbon.
That’s pure art. Now, what the fuck is it all about?
I’d like to subscribe to his newsletter.
Folks
Sir.
Todd Haley looks like a broken man.
No one made him go to Cleveland! He went. Voluntarily.
He left the Camaro out on the curb – the tires, airbag and radio were gone this morning.
Most compelling matchup of tonight is me vs. the rest of this bottle of vodka
Go with god, my son
Browns, if you switch your jersey back, no questions will be asked. You can keep the new pants, just take those ugly jerseys off and burn them.
Boo! This guy sucks! Put in the Candlestick Maker!
Is “Mancan Wine” a person or a product?
Me at last call: “Man can wine. MAN CAN WINE!”
It can be two things!
My dog is upset at me for paying more attention to this Browns-Giants game than I am to her, and she’s right to feel that way.
Redshirt (thought): “John Ross just did a good play. Find an appropriate comment.”
Redshirt Brain: “PROCESSING….PROCESSING….PROCESSING….”
Redshirt CPU: “Brain.exe has performed an illegal operation and must shut down. We apologize for any incontinence.”
Okay. AJ Green has caught 2 catches for 2 first downs.
PLEASE GET HIM OFF THE FIELD!!!!
Touchdown Browns! Tyrod Taylor looking alright against a shitastic Giants team.
(when last year’s #1 pick was a bust – continued)
John Ross slipped giving CHI a Pick-6? Yeah, sounds about right.
ah forgot to change threads. Pills are grate!
anyway, Black Panther 1s gave up a passing TD to J. Peterman, then a redux after said original was called back. That’s…not a positive harbinger.
Landry Jones throws a 62-yard touchdown to Juju Smith-Schuster in one of the dumbest combination of names ever assembled.
(when last year’s #1 pick was a bust)
John Ross didn’t fumble? JOHN ROSS DIDN’T FUMBLE!!!
Bengals Kicker just kicked his first extra point. Ever.
Another nice find by the Cincy Scouting Dept.
Mike Brown’s “scouting department” are the pigeons living college stadiums.
“Meal per diem?! Tell them to eat whatever discarded crap is left in the stands.”
Oooh some Sudfield action.
Okay, AJ Green caught the ball and got a first down.
GET HIM OFF THE FIELD!!!
How delusional are Niners fans? A college friend just told me that they are going 12-4 this year.
I think a mirror is also involved in that record prediction.
AT BEST.
[Adds “Insanity” to list of Garoppolo Fever symptoms]
Saquan gets 39 yards on his first carry. As a Giants fan I feel that this is a good indicator for us winning the next 5 Super Bowls.
Geno Atkins just destroyed a guard and threw down the QB with one arm after running past them.
Based on that one play, I see ya there for those 5 Super Bowls.
Ref: “Personal Foul, Roughing the Passer, Defense, Number…”
Me: “Damn it, Burfict!”
Ref: “…Ninety-…”
Me: “Huh?”
Good News: I officially survived the football offseason.
Bad News: So did the Bengals.
Give it to me.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=9eh0rAUwZSQ
Go Browns…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3I2REQ75nLs