Welcome back to Temptation Island Talk!
Kids, as I write this, I am still basking in the afterglow of what was a glorious Season Finale of Temptation Island. As I take a deep draw of that metaphorical cigarette and take a sip of my literal fine aged scotch, I reflect on the past eleven weeks and realize there are still good things in this world.
I speak, of course, about the destruction of relationships that shouldn’t have been prolonged. I speak of the humiliation and pain inflicted on people that deserve it. And I speak of happiness found where least expected.
As my good friend Son Of Spam said in the comments last week, it’s Positively Shakespearean.
Now, don’t think I enjoy all this pain because I’m an asshole.
I am, but that’s not the reason.
All of Shakespeare’s plays had a moral or lesson to be learned. So it is with Temptation Island.
I shall elaborate in due time, but for now let me lie naked on my bear rug and just savour this moment.
[Many Days Later]
I’m back and I think I’m ready to talk about this season finale part two.
Everything has been building towards this. Today, we find out what happens with the rest of the couples at the final bonfires.
Will the couples stay together (snickers)? Will they break up embarrassingly on national TV and become the shame of their families? Here’s hoping!
Before we get started, let us refresh our memories as to what these idiot couples look like.
Episode 10 Part 2 Recap
We start off with the now-traditional “Previously… on Temptation Island”.
We are back with John and Kady and there is a little overlap with what was shown last time where Kady says nice things about him and then lowers the boom saying he makes her want to not have kids.
Remember, kids, you can’t have babies if you exclusively use the trademan’s entrance.
John doesn’t like that and stays quiet. Mark L steps in to stop the awkwardness and asks them what they want to do: Go home together, Go home alone, or go home with someone else.
To my surprise, they both choose to go home alone:
I guess I missed that prediction…
They said too many nice things to each other, but at least they split up relatively amicably.
Mark L points out that it’s better to find out now than later and sends Kady home or, more accurately, to pack her shit and leave John’s house in Fort Worth.
Mark L asks John if he’s ok. He is. He will be without Kady.
Next up, we get relationship montages! First up is Javen and his journey. Then, it’s Shari and then Evan and then Kaci and I think I just fast forwarded through a good 8 minutes’ worth of show.
Evan is on the Escalade going to the bonfire and this is going to be good.
Meanwhile, Kaci is praying and may become an atheist by the end of the night.
In confessional, she lays out her strategy: Guilt him into staying with her.
Yeah, that seems like a healthy thing on which all successful relationships are based on, but what do I know, I’m still single.
And the fireworks begin. Mark L brings Evan in and there is awkwardness from the beginning as they say a weak “Hi” to each other and Evan puts his hand on her knee in a way that says, “Brace yourself for what’s coming”.
Kaci speaks first:
Calling him a piece of shit and a scumbag is an interesting way of trying to get him back, but this is all part of Kaci’s master plan to guilt him into staying and I’m yelling at my TV, “RUN! RUN EVAN, YOU WEIRD LOOKING TRICEP WORKOUT FREAK! RUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!”
Or words to that effect.
Luckily, Evan is not a pussy. He calls her “Little Bird” and now the ostrich thing makes a lot more sense even though ostriches are pretty large birds. He then proceeds to tell her about his love for Morgan and that was NOT what Kaci wanted to hear.
He talks about opening his heart up to someone else and you can see her expression turn from hope to anger to absolute hatred in less than 10 seconds.
She keeps shaking her head, but that’s not changing anything and Evan keeps right on going!
He calls her “Little Bird” again and this time she is pissed and says, “Don’t call me that!” and I’m seriously wondering if they’ll show a stabbing on national TV. Luckily, Mark L has thought of everything and there are no weapons visible near Kaci.
Mark does step in and tells her she is only supposed to listen and not speak. Realizing it’s pointless to explain himself, Evan says, “I’m done, Mark.”
Now Mark L asks Kaci what her decision is and she is so utterly insane that she says she is committed to him, he’s the love of her life, and that she wants to work things out and leave with him.
Mind you, this is AFTER calling him a piece of shit, a scumbag, and telling him NOT to call her “Little Bird”.
To my great pleasure, Evan lays down the law:
They didn’t post another video on YouTube, but it gets BETTER. She keeps begging him to take her back and it’s desperate and delusional. She keeps arguing and begging and pleading and finally Evan just turns to Mark L and says, “Mark” to get him to shut her up.
That may be my favourite moment of the entire season.
Mark L now steps in and is trying to calm her down and get her to realize she’ll be ok, but she’s in full meltdown mode and has stopped listening.
Mark L finally cuts her off and tells her that her time on the island is done, her journey is over, and she needs to GET THE FUCK OUT MY BONFIRE!
It continues like that until the commercial break.
When we return from break, Evan and Mark L talk a bit. Evan stands by everything he did and said. Mark L is happy for him and reminds him of what’s in front of him. He tells Evan that he needs to realize that he never wavered from Morgan and that she’s waiting for him.
Evan goes to see Morgan and she’s relieved he actually had the balls to go through with it. They leave the island together and very happy.
There is one couple left.
Javen and Shari go to their bonfire and honestly, I’m so happy with how things worked out for Kaci that I’m not even paying attention anymore.
Long story short:
Yes, Javen and Shari decided to leave together and then Javen proposed and she said yes. Mark L came in at the end with a nice bottle of Product Placement,
and toasted to the happy couple!
While this does fuck up my predictions a bit, it is still a nice moment for the show to end on.
Last week, I went 4 for 4 on the predictions as I got the following things correct:
- Nicole and Karl: Break Up.
- Karl will want to stay with Nicole, but she won’t want to stay with him.
- Karl will fuck up the situation with Brittney and will end up with nothing.
- Nicole will not go after Tyler and will want to go it alone as an independent woman.
For this week, I predicted more things happening. The ones with the star came true:
- John and Kady: Break Up. ☆
- Shari and Javen: Stay Together. ☆
- Kaci and Evan: Break Up. ☆
- John will try to start a relationship with Kathryn.
- Kady will try to start a relationship with Johnnie.
- Both will fail but will not get back together.
- Kaci will want to stay with Evan, but Evan won’t. ☆
- Evan will leave the island with Morgan. ☆
- Kaci will leave the island alone. ☆
- Javen will want to stay with Shari and will propose. ☆
- Shari will say no to the proposal, but will want to stay in the relationship. (Half point?)
- They will leave together, but uneasy about the future. (Half point?)
I have to say, I did fairly well. 7 out of 12 this week and 11 out of 16 overall is not too shabby.
Also, predicting a proposal has to give me some sort of extra credit, dontcha think?
Six Months Later…
But wait, there’s more! The show is not over quite yet. We get to see what’s happened since the end of the show to each of the participants.
- Javen and Shari are still together and in the middle of planning their wedding. Shari seems to have mellowed out and this can only be good for Javen. I wish them the best.
- John is living alone in Fort Worth after a stupid attempt to try to fix things with Kady that went awry when he found out she was planning to visit Johnnie in New York. DUMBASS! Luckily, he kicked her out and she’s gone and has been replaced by a pretty ethnically diverse group of friends. He’s still in touch with Katheryn, but not trying the long distance thing.
- Kady did go visit Johnnie, but that relationship fizzled out (wait, do I get a point for that prediction coming true?). She is now alone living in an apartment in Dallas wearing a ridiculous fur coat while walking a dog that clearly should be taken away from her for the dog’s sake.
- Karl is back in Chicago working on his music career (he WAS a singer!) and being a personal trainer. He moved out of Nicole’s place and he says there’s no bad blood.
- Nicole somehow can afford a high-rise condo in Chicago even though she’s incredibly stupid. The housing market must be great in Chicago! (/Dok glares angrily at screen while reading this) She’s still “in touch” with Tyler.
- Kaci changed her hair to black and is prowling the streets of Hollywood looking for blood. She still thinks she’s the victim and that Evan and Morgan will fizzle out.
- Evan and Morgan are engaged and living happily in DC.
The reason I loved this season is that, like any good Greek tragedy or Shakespearean play, Good ultimately triumphed over Evil and hard lessons were learned by the protagonists.
Yeah, I’ve been hard on Kaci but her way of dealing with the person she supposedly loves and her approach to relationships were both reprehensible and toxic. I’m glad she got her comeuppance.
Shari and Javen’s story reads, at first glance, like a modern version of Taming of the Shrew, but in reality showed that a little bit of empathy and having the ability to view things from a different perspective is good for relationships. They started out roughly, but tried to see things in a different way during the course of the show and that paved the way for them to resolve their issues.
John and Kady and Karl and Nicole were together for all the wrong reasons. As much as I made fun of her for realizing it at 25, Nicole did finally figure out that a healthy relationship needs to have a solid foundation beyond great sex. All four learned that they deserved something better and more fulfilling than what they had. Knowing yourself and demanding the best for yourself is important. That’s a good lesson for anyone.
Temptation Island aired every Tuesday on USA Network at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central. You can catch up on prior episodes (if you sign in with a cable or satellite account although it seems the first two episodes are available for free) and see behind the scene clips on the USA Network website:
Also, thanks to all of you drinking that Maui vodka, TEMPTATION ISLAND HAS BEEN RENEWED FOR SEASON TWO!!
Even more exciting, have you ever wanted to flush your shitty relationship down the crapper? Have you ever wanted to stir shit up and fuck with people’s lives? Now you can do it in front of the whole country! You too can apply to be either a single or a couple next season! Apply here:
You need to be available from mid-June to mid-July.
I leave you with this:
Do you remember my post about LA where I referenced the movie Kiss Kiss Bang Bang? One of my favorite quotes from that movie is this:
It’s literally like someone took America by the East Coast and shook it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on.Harry Lockhart
Kaci still lives in LA. There are TONS of damaged and delusional boys and girls like her out there prowling the bars and dating sites of this fair metropolis.
Be careful, boys and girls! The last thing you want is for last call to come around and for you to make eye contact with this type of person.
Let this be a lesson and a fair warning. Be safe out there! Don’t drink to the point that you think, “What’s the worst that could happen?” when you see a Kaci at last call.
Friends don’t let friends pick up crazy.
I’d love to hear your final thoughts in the comments.