Temptation Island Talk – Season Finale Part 2

Welcome back to Temptation Island Talk!

Kids, as I write this, I am still basking in the afterglow of what was a glorious Season Finale of Temptation Island. As I take a deep draw of that metaphorical cigarette and take a sip of my literal fine aged scotch, I reflect on the past eleven weeks and realize there are still good things in this world.

I speak, of course, about the destruction of relationships that shouldn’t have been prolonged. I speak of the humiliation and pain inflicted on people that deserve it. And I speak of happiness found where least expected.

As my good friend Son Of Spam said in the comments last week, it’s Positively Shakespearean.

Now, don’t think I enjoy all this pain because I’m an asshole.

I am, but that’s not the reason.

All of Shakespeare’s plays had a moral or lesson to be learned. So it is with Temptation Island.

I shall elaborate in due time, but for now let me lie naked on my bear rug and just savour this moment.

[Many Days Later]

I’m back and I think I’m ready to talk about this season finale part two.

Let’s begin.

Everything has been building towards this. Today, we find out what happens with the rest of the couples at the final bonfires.

Will the couples stay together (snickers)? Will they break up embarrassingly on national TV and become the shame of their families? Here’s hoping!

Before we get started, let us refresh our memories as to what these idiot couples look like.

Karl and Nicole, from Chicago
Evan and Kaci, from LA
Javen and Shari, from San Francisco
John and Kady, from Fort Worth

Episode 10 Part 2 Recap

We start off with the now-traditional “Previously… on Temptation Island”.

We are back with John and Kady and there is a little overlap with what was shown last time where Kady says nice things about him and then lowers the boom saying he makes her want to not have kids.

Remember, kids, you can’t have babies if you exclusively use the trademan’s entrance.

John doesn’t like that and stays quiet. Mark L steps in to stop the awkwardness and asks them what they want to do: Go home together, Go home alone, or go home with someone else.

To my surprise, they both choose to go home alone:

I guess I missed that prediction…

They said too many nice things to each other, but at least they split up relatively amicably.

Mark L points out that it’s better to find out now than later and sends Kady home or, more accurately, to pack her shit and leave John’s house in Fort Worth.

Mark L asks John if he’s ok. He is. He will be without Kady.

Next up, we get relationship montages! First up is Javen and his journey. Then, it’s Shari and then Evan and then Kaci and I think I just fast forwarded through a good 8 minutes’ worth of show.

Evan is on the Escalade going to the bonfire and this is going to be good.

Meanwhile, Kaci is praying and may become an atheist by the end of the night.

In confessional, she lays out her strategy: Guilt him into staying with her.

Yeah, that seems like a healthy thing on which all successful relationships are based on, but what do I know, I’m still single.

And the fireworks begin. Mark L brings Evan in and there is awkwardness from the beginning as they say a weak “Hi” to each other and Evan puts his hand on her knee in a way that says, “Brace yourself for what’s coming”.

Kaci speaks first:

Calling him a piece of shit and a scumbag is an interesting way of trying to get him back, but this is all part of Kaci’s master plan to guilt him into staying and I’m yelling at my TV, “RUN! RUN EVAN, YOU WEIRD LOOKING TRICEP WORKOUT FREAK! RUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!”

Or words to that effect.

Luckily, Evan is not a pussy. He calls her “Little Bird” and now the ostrich thing makes a lot more sense even though ostriches are pretty large birds. He then proceeds to tell her about his love for Morgan and that was NOT what Kaci wanted to hear.

He talks about opening his heart up to someone else and you can see her expression turn from hope to anger to absolute hatred in less than 10 seconds.

It’s delightful!

She keeps shaking her head, but that’s not changing anything and Evan keeps right on going!

He calls her “Little Bird” again and this time she is pissed and says, “Don’t call me that!” and I’m seriously wondering if they’ll show a stabbing on national TV. Luckily, Mark L has thought of everything and there are no weapons visible near Kaci.

Mark does step in and tells her she is only supposed to listen and not speak. Realizing it’s pointless to explain himself, Evan says, “I’m done, Mark.”

Now Mark L asks Kaci what her decision is and she is so utterly insane that she says she is committed to him, he’s the love of her life, and that she wants to work things out and leave with him.

Mind you, this is AFTER calling him a piece of shit, a scumbag, and telling him NOT to call her “Little Bird”.

To my great pleasure, Evan lays down the law:

They didn’t post another video on YouTube, but it gets BETTER. She keeps begging him to take her back and it’s desperate and delusional. She keeps arguing and begging and pleading and finally Evan just turns to Mark L and says, “Mark” to get him to shut her up.

That may be my favourite moment of the entire season.

Mark L now steps in and is trying to calm her down and get her to realize she’ll be ok, but she’s in full meltdown mode and has stopped listening.

Mark L finally cuts her off and tells her that her time on the island is done, her journey is over, and she needs to GET THE FUCK OUT MY BONFIRE!

It continues like that until the commercial break.

When we return from break, Evan and Mark L talk a bit. Evan stands by everything he did and said. Mark L is happy for him and reminds him of what’s in front of him. He tells Evan that he needs to realize that he never wavered from Morgan and that she’s waiting for him.

Evan goes to see Morgan and she’s relieved he actually had the balls to go through with it. They leave the island together and very happy.

There is one couple left.

Javen and Shari go to their bonfire and honestly, I’m so happy with how things worked out for Kaci that I’m not even paying attention anymore.

Long story short:

Yes, Javen and Shari decided to leave together and then Javen proposed and she said yes. Mark L came in at the end with a nice bottle of Product Placement,

and toasted to the happy couple!

While this does fuck up my predictions a bit, it is still a nice moment for the show to end on.

***

Predicción Results

Last week, I went 4 for 4 on the predictions as I got the following things correct:

  • Nicole and Karl: Break Up.
  • Karl will want to stay with Nicole, but she won’t want to stay with him.
  • Karl will fuck up the situation with Brittney and will end up with nothing.
  • Nicole will not go after Tyler and will want to go it alone as an independent woman.

For this week, I predicted more things happening. The ones with the star came true:

  • John and Kady: Break Up. ☆
  • Shari and Javen: Stay Together. ☆
  • Kaci and Evan: Break Up. ☆
  • John will try to start a relationship with Kathryn.
  • Kady will try to start a relationship with Johnnie.
  • Both will fail but will not get back together.
  • Kaci will want to stay with Evan, but Evan won’t. ☆
  • Evan will leave the island with Morgan. ☆
  • Kaci will leave the island alone. ☆
  • Javen will want to stay with Shari and will propose. ☆
  • Shari will say no to the proposal, but will want to stay in the relationship. (Half point?)
  • They will leave together, but uneasy about the future. (Half point?)

I have to say, I did fairly well. 7 out of 12 this week and 11 out of 16 overall is not too shabby.

Also, predicting a proposal has to give me some sort of extra credit, dontcha think?

***

Six Months Later…

But wait, there’s more! The show is not over quite yet. We get to see what’s happened since the end of the show to each of the participants.

  • Javen and Shari are still together and in the middle of planning their wedding. Shari seems to have mellowed out and this can only be good for Javen. I wish them the best.
  • John is living alone in Fort Worth after a stupid attempt to try to fix things with Kady that went awry when he found out she was planning to visit Johnnie in New York. DUMBASS! Luckily, he kicked her out and she’s gone and has been replaced by a pretty ethnically diverse group of friends. He’s still in touch with Katheryn, but not trying the long distance thing.
  • Kady did go visit Johnnie, but that relationship fizzled out (wait, do I get a point for that prediction coming true?). She is now alone living in an apartment in Dallas wearing a ridiculous fur coat while walking a dog that clearly should be taken away from her for the dog’s sake.
  • Karl is back in Chicago working on his music career (he WAS a singer!) and being a personal trainer. He moved out of Nicole’s place and he says there’s no bad blood.
  • Nicole somehow can afford a high-rise condo in Chicago even though she’s incredibly stupid. The housing market must be great in Chicago! (/Dok glares angrily at screen while reading this) She’s still “in touch” with Tyler.
  • Kaci changed her hair to black and is prowling the streets of Hollywood looking for blood. She still thinks she’s the victim and that Evan and Morgan will fizzle out.
  • Evan and Morgan are engaged and living happily in DC.

***

Reflections

The reason I loved this season is that, like any good Greek tragedy or Shakespearean play, Good ultimately triumphed over Evil and hard lessons were learned by the protagonists.

Yeah, I’ve been hard on Kaci but her way of dealing with the person she supposedly loves and her approach to relationships were both reprehensible and toxic. I’m glad she got her comeuppance.

Shari and Javen’s story reads, at first glance, like a modern version of Taming of the Shrew, but in reality showed that a little bit of empathy and having the ability to view things from a different perspective is good for relationships. They started out roughly, but tried to see things in a different way during the course of the show and that paved the way for them to resolve their issues.

John and Kady and Karl and Nicole were together for all the wrong reasons. As much as I made fun of her for realizing it at 25, Nicole did finally figure out that a healthy relationship needs to have a solid foundation beyond great sex. All four learned that they deserved something better and more fulfilling than what they had. Knowing yourself and demanding the best for yourself is important. That’s a good lesson for anyone.

Temptation Island aired every Tuesday on USA Network at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central. You can catch up on prior episodes (if you sign in with a cable or satellite account although it seems the first two episodes are available for free) and see behind the scene clips on the USA Network website:

https://www.usanetwork.com/temptationisland

Also, thanks to all of you drinking that Maui vodka, TEMPTATION ISLAND HAS BEEN RENEWED FOR SEASON TWO!!

Even more exciting, have you ever wanted to flush your shitty relationship down the crapper? Have you ever wanted to stir shit up and fuck with people’s lives? Now you can do it in front of the whole country! You too can apply to be either a single or a couple next season! Apply here:

https://www.usanetwork.com/temptationisland/casting

You need to be available from mid-June to mid-July.

***

I leave you with this:

Do you remember my post about LA where I referenced the movie Kiss Kiss Bang Bang? One of my favorite quotes from that movie is this:

It’s literally like someone took America by the East Coast and shook it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on.

Harry Lockhart

Kaci still lives in LA. There are TONS of damaged and delusional boys and girls like her out there prowling the bars and dating sites of this fair metropolis.

Be careful, boys and girls! The last thing you want is for last call to come around and for you to make eye contact with this type of person.

Let this be a lesson and a fair warning. Be safe out there! Don’t drink to the point that you think, “What’s the worst that could happen?” when you see a Kaci at last call.

Friends don’t let friends pick up crazy.

***

I’d love to hear your final thoughts in the comments.

(50/69)

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
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Wakezilla

“Nicole somehow can afford a high-rise condo in Chicago even though she’s incredibly stupid.’

Hooking?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That is a meritorious bannering right there

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Agreed!

Sharkbait

Huge goal for Spurs

King Hippo

Son has been incredible this season

Sharkbait

Ideally, I’d like another before FT. 1-0 going to City doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence.

Wakezilla

This Heung-Min, I call him a family uniter because he makes me want to call him Son.

yeah right

What the FUCK UCLA?
You sign THAT raging fucking cock sore?

Goddamn, I hate that motherfucking ragehead.

That shit won’t play out here on the Coast.

King Hippo

When you fuck up colossally like one did with Jamie Dixon, you better sign anyone competent who will say “yes” – and FAST.

The Pac-whatevs is so liquid shit right now that I could see Cronin doing well in the league, at least.

King Hippo

yeah, it’s the home leg…but Spurs need to lock down and look to just get out without letting City get the prized “away goal”

litre_cola

Temptation Island was great this year. John is so right to have gotten the fuck out of there. As for “baby bird” or whatever the fuck had NO chance going in to this. Hmmm, he cheated before? Let’s put him on an island with horny smokeshows and see what happens. Should we add booze? Yeah, lots of booze.

I do not think I could stand 2 sentences in to a conversation with Nicole. I would stab myself in the spleen with a pencil.

Wish I could have joined in season long but up here it aired 3 days later.

Sharkbait

Everyone in the office is watching the Sox home opener. Meanwhile, I’ve got the Lesser Footy Spurs-City match on my phone. I chose wisely.

King Hippo

poor Harry Fuckface Kane, he ded (for the season, I fear)

/that’s back to Europa for Spurs next season

Sharkbait

I am pulling for Spurs though. Being a Pats fan AND a City fan doesn’t seem right.

King Hippo

I have nothing against Spurs, but I want City to have the quadruple because FUCK LIVERPOOL

Horatio Cornblower

Apropos of nothing T.I.T.-talk related, but I put NESN on the catch some baseball and of course because it’s opening day at Fenway there’s no baseball but the cloud of smug wafting out of the TV nearly killed me before I could change channels.

They were doing a thing where Fenway Park talks to you about its history and while I’ve seen many, many games there, let’s face it: Fenway Park is a piece of shit. It’s small, dingy and most of the seats must date back to a time when leprechauns with x-ray vision roamed the earth, because they’ve all got obstructed views and no one who weighs more than 150 and stand more than 5’8″ will be comfortable in them.

In fact, the only thing you’re less likely to find in Fenway than a comfortable seat with an unobstructed view is a black guy having a good time.

SonOfSpam

Is the tiny seat thing true for all seats? Would love to check it out someday, but might not be worth it if I have to rent a suite just to be not-super-miserable.

Horatio Cornblower

No. Pay extra and move up into the lower level red seats. You’ll be fine. The blue bench seats, however, are a goddamn war crime.

Sharkbait

Fact. The blue seats are still legit made of wood. The red seats are more regular stadium seats. But still come out for a game anyway.

Ian Scott McCormick

Fenway Park has great atmosphere and is an absolute shit place to actually watch a game. I say bulldoze it and erect a soulless concrete donut with astroturf. Call it Everybody’s Bettah Than We Ah Stadium.
Also, it’s still the only place I’ve ever visited that felt it had to show a “Tone it down on the slurs, guys” PSA in the game.

King Hippo

something like “They already noe they naggers, youse just be the biggah man and don’t point it out.”

Don T

“Best part about being guilted into staying on a relationship? Agreeing insures that all prior grudges, slights, and recriminations will never, ever, EVA resurface again. Emotional deadweight is truly the best foundation for rekindling romance.”
-A Dementor’s Guide to Love

LemonJello
LemonJello

Jeebus weeps, does Kaci have freakishly large hands, or is her head undersized/shrunken from exposure to Monsanto products?

SonOfSpam

Maybe that’s why he bailed. Tired of his cock looking that small.

Horatio Cornblower

[sniffles]
[inhales deeply]
IjustwanttosaythatIlovedtheserecapsmorethanEvanlovedKaciandIwillmissthemdeeplyandIreallylookforwardtoBalls”accidentally”hookingupwithKaciatsomedivebarandthenwritinga10-piecestoryontheirweddingplans
[exhales deeply]
[sniffles]

LemonJello
LemonJello

Huffing is bad, kids.

/takes Horatio’s brown bag/spray can and hides it.

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Horatio Cornblower

Yeah. “hides” it.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So we’re all in agreement that Evan “won” Temptation Island, right? He upgraded from an awful girlfriend to a former Alabama cheerleader fiancee. I can’t see how anyone else on the show did better.

Ian Scott McCormick

You say that, but her Nick Saban tramp stamp tattoo looks right at you.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ve always wanted to poke Nick Saban in the eye, so I guess this’ll be the next best thing.

SonOfSpam

The video clip of Kaci leaving in the limo will sustain me until next season.

Thanks a ton for the recaps and anal
ysis!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I believe Kaci has dramatically overestimated her appeal. Like, over the course of her life, in all aspects.” – SonOfSpam

You called it after Episode 4.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

KellyAnne Conway: The Next Generation

comment image?fit=640%2C360&ssl=1

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’ve seen photos of barracuda with less pronounced underbites that this Habsburg-jawed harpy.

Beerguyrob

+1 defunct royal family

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

But seriously don’t you think she could have a bright future on Fox News talking about how immigrants and minorities are not only stealing our jerbs, but our MEN as well?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

There’s a 100% chance if she remains blond.

Also, I’m on to talk about people’s appearance. I did a video interview yesterday and I looked like Luca Brasi getting strangled but with better hair.

SonOfSpam

There’s 100% chance she’s said “I need to speak with your manager” in the last 48 hours.

Horatio Cornblower

Probably at the vibrator store.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Even though I never watched a single episode, I am going to miss Temptation Island.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Balls is cruel. You don’t wean kids off the T.I.T. by just going cold turkey overnight.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“cold turkey overnight” sounds like what happens in the Reid household when it’s bedtime and Mrs. Reid forgets to put the padlock on the deep freezer where she keeps the 14 lb. roasters.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Shari will say no to the proposal, but will want to stay in the relationship. (Half point?)
They will leave together, but uneasy about the future. (Half point?)

Bad move using compound sentences, counselor.

Or maybe I’m the crazy one for agreements ive drafted looking like MMQB lists.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Maybe.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

#Amurrica

blaxabbath

Apologies if this has already been enjoyed…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I responded:

Ian Scott McCormick

Sharkbait

That was fantastic

Sharkbait

Also there’s this classic: https://www.tedcruzforhumanpresident.com/

blaxabbath

Temptation Island aired every Tuesday on USA Network at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central. You can catch up on prior episodes (if you sign in with a cable or satellite account although it seems the first two episodes are available for free)

Please post valid cable or satellite login.

blaxabbath

#loginstrong

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That sounds like a hashtag JJ Watt would promote.

Ian Scott McCormick

you can see her expression turn from hope to anger

Whoa, wait a fucking minute? Now hope can turn to anger? No. Fear leads to anger. It goes fear, anger, hate, suffering. That’s the order. Don’t go fucking around with nu-age character arcs, friendo.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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