Canadian Gothic

ballsofsteelandfury - April 2, 2017April 1, 2017

[INTERIOR of a high-rise condominium kitchen, Vancouver, B.C., Canada, 8:03 AM, on a Saturday] A happy-go-lucky Canadian boy is busy making breakfast. He sings a jolly tune with no actual words to it. Joey: Doobie doobie doo, dippy dappa doo... Suddenly, the phone rings. Joey: Gee, it's kinda early on a weekend. I wonder who

Boots on the Ground: NASCAR Auto Club 400

ballsofsteelandfury - March 28, 2017March 27, 2017

As many of you know, I was born in Mexico. Therefore, I'm obligated to love auto racing. Them's the rules. You may or may not also know that I love me some NASCAR. Unfortunately, I've never been to a live race. Until this weekend. I have a buddy at work that

In Search of a Goddess – Episode 6

theeWeeBabySeamus - March 27, 2017March 24, 2017

Editor's Note: I HIGHLY recommend that you take some sort of...substance... before reading this. It gets...weird. Other Editor's Note: Way ahead of you. And also....so you think it's just now getting weird? Maybe I write about some stuff up YOUR ass next time. And now you got me tripping on acid?

In Search of a Goddess – Episode 5

theeWeeBabySeamus - March 20, 2017March 20, 2017

[Interior of Dave, crossing into Baja California Sur, 7:08 AM] tWBS: So, how's it going, Mr. ... wait, I had something for this! balls: Are you trying to reference my wet dream from last night? tWBS: Yeah. Come back to me. balls: God, I hate to have to do this... tWBS: YES!! balls: Well, I couldn't

In Search of a Goddess – Episode 4

theeWeeBabySeamus - March 13, 2017March 13, 2017

Editor's Note: Due to a drunken snafu committed by a person that shall remain nameless, you night owls got to see Episode 3 ahead of schedule. This means you get an extra helping of ISOaG this week! Let the rejoicing begin... [Inside balls' awesome beach house. There are naked sleeping girls

In Search of a Goddess – Episode 3

theeWeeBabySeamus - March 10, 2017March 10, 2017

[6:43pm, dusk, Exterior of balls' kick ass beach house, Deck/Patio area] At the bottom of the stairs leading from balls' house down to the beach, tWBS sits alone sipping wine. He's lost in the sounds of the surf as it crashes on the beach repeatedly. balls approaches from inside the house and

Free Agency: A Sales Pitch

Offseason stories

blaxabbath - March 7, 2017March 6, 2017

Steve Keim: Andrew! Andrew, welcome to Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix, Arizona! How are you doing? Bruce! Bruce! Come here! Bruce Arians: Oh I was just grabbing a cactus candy. Sorry about that. Keim: Bruce, I want you meet your next left tackle, Andrew Whitworth. Arians: Nice to meet you, Andy. Can I offer

In Search of a Goddess – Episode 2

theeWeeBabySeamus - March 6, 2017March 5, 2017

The sun is setting as tWBS approaches the small villa where balls has instructed him to go.... balls: Get there and knock as the sun is setting, but make sure to knock BEFORE the sun fully sets. tWBS: And what happens if I knock after the sun sets? balls: Knock before the sun

NFL Speakeasy Stories: No Mean City

blaxabbath - February 28, 2017February 28, 2017

Libertine, Chatham Arch. 2:47 am, February 28th, 2017 Stepping in from the biting cold where his head was exposed to the incessant rain that surely planned to torment him through this week's work trip, James Cook could only imagine how much of a glowing red beacon his balding head would be at a place like

In Search of a Goddess – Episode 1

theeWeeBabySeamus - February 27, 2017February 27, 2017

[10:05 AM, Interior of Dave, The 5, heading south] tWBS: I thought you said we had to stick to the yellow. balls: Yes. tWBS: So, why are we heading south on I-5? balls: The 5. tWBS: I-5! balls: The 5. tWBS: Look, it's part of the United States Interstate Highway system created by the Federal-Aid Highway Act

In Search of a Goddess – Prologue

theeWeeBabySeamus - February 20, 2017February 20, 2017

[2:33 am, Interior, Bedroom] The telephone rings, interrupting tWBS's masturb.....errrrrr, waking him up. tWBS: Hello? Man on Phone: It's time. tWBS: Time for what? Dude I was just in the middle of masturb.....errrrrr, sleeping. Man on Phone: Just pack a bag and get out here. It's time. tWBS: Time for wh.... CLICK tWBS: Dammit - Three Days later, tWBS sits

Better Know A Guy Who’s Going To Screw Up Your Franchise For The Next 2-4 Years: Aftermath Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 15, 2017February 15, 2017

Whelp, the NFL Head Coaching Carousel appears to have come to a screeching halt with Kyle Shanahan's coronation as 49er's head "coach". Unless, of course, Jim Irsay reawakens from one of his quaalude-induced power naps and drops the hammer on Chuck Pagano. So: who is going to be the albatross around