Bye Week Update: New England Patriots

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The Maestro - December 4, 2025December 1, 2025

Welcome to the world, kiddo. You made it! At last! The last time I was writing about life advice for you - and for myself - I was cautious and perhaps a little bit scared of what was to come. As it turns out, I was wrong! In all the best

A Letter To My Forthcoming Child: Your 2025 New England Patriots Season Preview

Image originally found at [https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/d3kAAOSwNehi9wCW/s-l400.jpg]

The Maestro - August 26, 2025August 25, 2025

Dear forthcoming child, With so much to do to prepare for your mid-November arrival, I wanted to take a few minutes to write down some fatherly advice to share with you. You may never end up reading this - in fact, staying off the internet outright is probably going to improve

The End: Your 2023 New England Patriots Bye Week Update

The Maestro - November 20, 2023November 20, 2023

[INT. A dark, depressing living room. The curtains are drawn. TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE lies facedown, forlornly, on a couch. The overwhelming stench of Sam Adams, cigarette smoke, and despair lingers all around him. He moans, then, with his face muffled by a pillow, begins to sing.] This is thah end, beautiful

No Exit: Your 2023 New England Patriots Season Preview

The Maestro - August 24, 2023August 23, 2023

SCENE: A locker room in retro Foxboro Stadium style. A massive, oversized, but dinged up Lombardi Trophy stands alone in a dusty display case. ROBERT KRAFT [enters, accompanied by the LOCKER ROOM ATTENDANT, and glances around him]: Hm! So here we are? LOCKER ROOM ATTENDANT: Yes, Mr. Kraft. KRAFT: And this is what

Comfortably Numb: Your 2022 New England Patriots Season Preview

The Maestro - September 7, 2022September 8, 2022

[INT. A psychiatrist's office. It's dark, quiet, and soothing, in a sterile sort of way.] [Slow pan to DOCTOR SIGMUND FREUD, who perches in his armchair, quietly contemplating the next question he'll ask his patient.] FREUD: Pleeze, Herr Thomas. Kontinue. I beleef you ver zaying somezing about ... inner pain, ja? [TAWMMY reclines

The Maestro Goes To A Meeting (Your Tuesday Night Open Thread)

The Maestro - March 15, 2022March 15, 2022

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[EXT. A cold, barren Canadian wasteland.] [A man in a giant parka dismounts from the back of a polar bear. The bear is haggard, having trudged for days through the deep snow while carrying the man.] [The man gives the bear a gentle nuzzle on his snout]. MAN: Thanks, pal. You've earned yourself

So Long, Tom: Your Tuesday Night Open Thread

The Maestro - February 1, 2022February 1, 2022

It's finally official. In light of the leaks, nobody's really that surprised this time around. Tom Brady is now officially retired from the National Football League. He entered as an unknown sixth-round draft pick, and left as the greatest player in the history of the sport. While it's true that I am

Bye Week Update: New England Patriots

The Maestro - December 14, 2021December 13, 2021

[INT. - Natick Mall Christmas display. Despite the ongoing COVID pandemic, we see lines of happy shoppers, as well as a gaggle of small children eagerly awaiting their chance to meet Santa Claus.] SULLY THE ELF: Listen up all youse kids! Santa's just runnin' a couple minutes behind sched but should

Return of the Prodigal Son: Your 2021 New England Patriots Preview

The Maestro - August 19, 2021August 18, 2021

[EXT. CATHEDRAL OF THE HOLY CROSS, BOSTON.] [Cut to INT. The archbishop, Sean Patrick Cardinal O’MALLEY, stands at the pulpit, calmly delivering Sunday Mass to a full crowd.] O’MALLEY: I wish to call upon one of our own flock to deliver the next reading for today’s Mass. [A loud belch echoes through the

Waiting For Football: Your 2020 New England Patriots Season Preview

The Maestro - August 20, 2020August 20, 2020

A football stadium. A goalpost. Evening. (SULLY, sitting on a sideline, is trying to take off his shoe. He pulls at it with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again. As before. Enter TAWMMY.) SULLY: (Giving up again) Nothin’ tah be done. TAWMMY: (Advancing with short, stiff strides, legs