A Tradition Like Any Other: Augusta National Can F*** Right Off

Here’s a secret: I despise the dipshits who run Augusta National Golf Club. Glad-handing, misogynist dickheads who use the ideas of “tradition” and “the old ways” to actively make their golf tournament as white as possible. IT’S A GOLF TOURNAMENT YOU FUCKING FUCKS. Fuck these people with Satan’s chainsaw wang. Yeah, they claim they’ve gotten “better” over the years: allowing black people in 1990, allowing women to be members in 2012, actually having an amateur women’s tournament last week?

Fanfuckingtastic. Glad to see you pieces of excrement woke up and found yourself in the 20th century. THREE CHEERS! You’re really setting the example for social issues going forward. It’s going to be an amazing breakthrough when you’ll allow a trans-person as a patron in 2104, even better when you’ll allow a trans to actually play*.

*That will be after the heat-death of the solar system

Former Chairmens Hootie Johnson and Billy Paine should be fed to angry wolves (HI SEAMUS AND HIPPO!) and their souls tortured by Eva Braun and that guy who killed Jeffery Dahmer.

I literally cannot explain the utter contempt I have for the idiots that run this thing. They really do reinforce the idea that golf is a rich, white person’s game. Did you know every President, when they leave office, is granted membership there? I have a theory that Drumpf only ran, at least at first, to have that opportunity. I guess it’s sort of good that they (probably begrudgingly) had to give one to Obama.

Ranting aside, the course is a work of art. It really is one of God’s great creations on this planet; it’s amazing. Everything about is so incredible. Some of the other traditions this tournament has, such as the Champions Dinner, every past winner gets to come back (PHRASING) to play whenever they want, the Par-3 Tournament, are just interesting and fun. Those make everything the green jackets do actually involve, you know, fun.

Anyway, fuck these fucksticks, their “tradition,” and the consistent bullshit ESPN and CBS churn out, every fucking year.

Like another three fingers of Buffalo Trace, I cannot help myself. Let’s fucking do this. Also, the winner is going to be Rory (to complete the Grand Slam), or somebody, like, Tommy Fleetwood, or Rickie Fowler. If you’re looking for a wildcard, again, HI HIPPO!, maybe Martin Leishman.

Get back to me at the PGA Championship.