A Tradition Like Any Other: Augusta National Can F*** Right Off

Here’s a secret: I despise the dipshits who run Augusta National Golf Club. Glad-handing, misogynist dickheads who use the ideas of “tradition” and “the old ways” to actively make their golf tournament as white as possible. IT’S A GOLF TOURNAMENT YOU FUCKING FUCKS. Fuck these people with Satan’s chainsaw wang. Yeah, they claim they’ve gotten “better” over the years: allowing black people in 1990, allowing women to be members in 2012, actually having an amateur women’s tournament last week?

Fanfuckingtastic. Glad to see you pieces of excrement woke up and found yourself in the 20th century. THREE CHEERS! You’re really setting the example for social issues going forward. It’s going to be an amazing breakthrough when you’ll allow a trans-person as a patron in 2104, even better when you’ll allow a trans to actually play*.

*That will be after the heat-death of the solar system

Former Chairmens Hootie Johnson and Billy Paine should be fed to angry wolves (HI SEAMUS AND HIPPO!) and their souls tortured by Eva Braun and that guy who killed Jeffery Dahmer.

I literally cannot explain the utter contempt I have for the idiots that run this thing. They really do reinforce the idea that golf is a rich, white person’s game. Did you know every President, when they leave office, is granted membership there? I have a theory that Drumpf only ran, at least at first, to have that opportunity. I guess it’s sort of good that they (probably begrudgingly) had to give one to Obama.

Ranting aside, the course is a work of art. It really is one of God’s great creations on this planet; it’s amazing. Everything about is so incredible. Some of the other traditions this tournament has, such as the Champions Dinner, every past winner gets to come back (PHRASING) to play whenever they want, the Par-3 Tournament, are just interesting and fun. Those make everything the green jackets do actually involve, you know, fun.

Anyway, fuck these fucksticks, their “tradition,” and the consistent bullshit ESPN and CBS churn out, every fucking year.

Like another three fingers of Buffalo Trace, I cannot help myself. Let’s fucking do this. Also, the winner is going to be Rory (to complete the Grand Slam), or somebody, like, Tommy Fleetwood, or Rickie Fowler. If you’re looking for a wildcard, again, HI HIPPO!, maybe Martin Leishman.

Get back to me at the PGA Championship.

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ballsofsteelandfuryUnsurprisedBrettFavresColonoscopyscotchnautRikki-Tikki-Deadly Recent comment authors
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

If Obama weren’t such a chickenshit he should have a non-whites and non-binary only events at Augusta all the time.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Augusta May be beautiful but coming from a desert state that exploded with golf courses in the 90s I have nothing but contempt for golfers and I wish the worst of everything you wrote to happen to every person who has ever picked up a golf club

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This reminds me of every time some liberal dickhead suggests just letting Southern states and flyover country shit themselves to death as societies because that’s what they want so they deserve it.

1) it’s still full of people and those people deserve dignity and respect and compassion. We don’t have to like them but they should be cared for the same as any others.

B) liberals are obscenely racist but better at hiding it. Because every time Mississippi or Georgia or South Carolina does something shitty and we let it go, it is not a coincidence that shitty things happen in those states because they have the largest African American populations by percentage. So just writing them off totally dismisses millions of people that these cretins supposedly like and want to help.

Anyway. Rant off

scotchnaut

The color white is everything at Augusta but sure as hell doesn’t flatter Kiradech “Does This Make Me Look Fat? It Does, Doesn’t It?” Aphibarnrat.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

White’s also the color of the CSA’s last flag. Ppl forget that.

scotchnaut

Man, it is a long facking way down from a so-so college ball tourney to The Masters.

/watches anyway

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh dear God, Tiger tied for the lead at -3. Can’t wait for all the huffing and puffing that will happen if he actually makes the cut tomorrow.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Augusta’s Waffle House waitresses beware…

theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Her instagram is pretty good and like Anna kournikova I couldn’t give less of a shit if she’s any good at her sport.

Col. Duke LaCross

As an actual golf professional, I must say that your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Fuck Augusta.

SonOfSpam

(he runs the fryer at the snack bar of the local putt-putt)

theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

True story Bro…

On a par five, I once hit my second shot and holed it out. 3 wood to the green, and nailed it.
Double Eagle. Best day of my life.

Which is sad, I know. But it was a helluva shot, even if I do say so myself.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

She seems fun.

Col. Duke LaCross

I think I’ve hit 700,000 shots in my life, and I’ve never had an ace. I’ve had multiple holeouts from 100, 150 yards, and even holed out from a bunker from 180 once. But I’ve never had an ace.

Horatio Cornblower

“I think I’ve hit 700,000 shots in my life”

/Makes dismissive wanking motion

Buddy, I’ve done that on some par 5s!

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve never aced either. Par 3 number eight on my home course, I’ve come close a few times, but never fell.

ballsofsteelandfury

All the golfers will hate me, but I did get an ace on a Par 3. I bought the obligatory drinks for my friends playing with me that day.

The thing I remember most is that I hit it perfectly straight, but never saw it hit the green. Neither did my friends. I thought maybe I hit it long. Only when we got to the green and I started looking for it did we all realize it went in. It was the last hole, too, which was perfect as we went straight to the bar.

ballsofsteelandfury

The embarrassing part is that my buddy, who got me into golf, who taught me how to play, and whose parents live ON A GOLF COURSE has never got one. He’s a massive golfer and he’s never come close.

I feel kinda bad about that.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh look, it’s certified awful person Phil Mickelson on ESPN.

Welp, that’s about enough of the Master’s for me this year!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Good ole FIGJAM

Game Time Decision

Which sport puts you to sleep faster? Golf or baseball
/yes

King Hippo

TRUE HIPPO FACT! I fell asleep during the 3rd inning of last night’s third straight #BFIB win over Los Doyers.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

And what a win it was.The Dirt BOLTMEN appreciated it very much.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Baseball isn’t a sport. It’s a game.

yeah right

It doesn’t deserve the reverence it gets.
It’s a great tournament on a great course.

“A golf tournament just like every other.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BUT WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE AZALEAS?

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– Iggy’s parents

LemonJello
LemonJello

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ballsofsteelandfury

Tiger Woods needs to die of syphilis.

King Hippo

Or at least retire to spend MOAR time with his AIDS, like Magic done.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Give it time.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“FAT, STUPID, WICKEDSES COPPERS!” Assange screamed as they dragged him away from his precious asylum.

LemonJello
LemonJello

You don’t see a lot of The Mandarin cosplay.
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Col. Duke LaCross

Like an albino Saddam Hussein when they yanked him out of that hole.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My wife is gonna get really mad if I spend too much time today watching, so I think I’m stuck enjoying this in the garage while I “work out” for three hours.

ballsofsteelandfury

Don’t you have to call the doc if your “workout” is over three hours?

Wait, my bad, it’s four. Proceed.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL