A Tradition Unlike Any Other (Barf): New Post-COVID (kinda)

Hello, friends. It’s a tradition unlike any other. It’s The Masters. I’m Jim Nantz, and it’s my distinct pleasure to bring you one of the great events in all of sports. It’s Augusta National Golf Club, the Mecca of professional golf. The pride, the heritage, the racial purity.

Yes, The Masters embodies all that’s right in golf: old, rich white men having the ability to dictate and micromanage however they see fit. It harkens back to a better time, and we here at CBS are proud to bring it to you. I’m Jim Nantz, reminding you again, that’s it’s The Masters—

Oh, fuck this. I can’t, and won’t try to keep up that shit. I apologetically love golf. I have since I was a kid, when my older cousin took me to a driving range when I was maybe ten or eleven. Yes, I spent my high school and college years when Tiger was murderdeathkilling his way to dozens of regular PGA Tour wins, and 15 majors. But, I was never enamored with him. I don’t love or hate him; he’s just another guy to me. I do love the majors, though. They’re 16 of the best days of the sports calendar. Well, I love most of the majors. The Masters can eat the turds out of my dead cats’ litter box.

The Masters represents every douchy, antiquated, regressive, and asinine golfing and social stereotype. They flaunt it, they celebrate it. The assmunchers who run Augusta National Golf Club are happy to remind you that rich white men have always, and will always, run things. They run the tournament akin to a military junta; step out of line, and you’re gone. Ask Gary McCord. It’s ass. As I said, Augusta National runs this thing with an iron fist. The crowds and galleries of fans are required to be referred to as “patrons.” You can’t run. You can’t have a cell phone, though I don’t have too much of an issue with that. It’s not rough, it’s the “second cut” of grass. Up until 2013, women were strictly forbidden from gaining membership. When they finally allowed women on the grounds, the first two invited for membership? Condi Rice and Carly Fiorina. Remember when they were the worst of the “far” right? Seems quaint.

The only reason I get somewhat excited annually for this circlejerk is because it’s been eight months since the Open Championship. My major golf itch needs scratched like Bill Belichick needs to bang your aunt tonight. Otherwise, I just don’t get the build-up for this one. Give me the US Open or PGA anytime over this. This is a decent bridge to draft prep, though.

Anyway, as much as I loathe the dickfaces that ruin any semblance of fun, the golf promises to be good. So, here’s a few things to watch for:

World No. 1 is Scottie Scheffler. Defending champ. Had an incredible menu offering last night. He’s got the talent, he’s got the mental toughness, and he’s got the hot hand. Most people haven’t heard of this guy before this time last year, and that’s understandable. Dude can play though, obviously. As of this writing, he was the betting favorite, too.

Rory McIlroy can became the sixth man to complete the career Grand Slam. His play as of late has been solid, and, maybe it’s finally time to get this shit over with. The added extra “take a piss” to LIV would make it all the sweeter in the PGA vs. Saudi thing.

Speaking of, three-time champ Phil Mickelson is back after spending last year in self-imposed exile, after some… let’s say, questionable thoughts on the the Saudi royal family, and their less-than-stellar track record of human rights. You know the story by now. LIV vs. PGA was a big thing leading up to this week, but, it seems like everyone seems to be cordial. It was probably awkward as hell at the Champeens Dinner with Eldrick, Phil, Patrick Reed, Sergio, and Faldo standing around.

Tiger’s playing, and even he doesn’t expect much. This is first major in almost two years, and he hasn’t finished in a top-20 in one since winning here in 2019. He also openly admittedly he doesn’t think he has “many (Masters) left.” His body is broked too much now.

The top guys are all playing well. There’s no shortage of storylines.  There’s a lot of excitement, and a lot of buzz this week for all the top guys, which is exactly why someone like Sepp Straka or Taylor Moore will have a new piece of green clothing on Sunday evening. Hey, I called it for Danny Willet in 2016. Actually, I do believe this is the year Rory becomes the sixth player to complete the career Grand Slam.

Oh, and fuck Jim Nantz.

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[…] Masters Friday everyone! Like WCS touched on yesterday, I enjoy watching the Masters, but I don’t really know why. Personally, I suck at golf. But […]

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Burns is right above him in 6th, that could be why.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

When you smell Burns toast, is that one stroke or two?

Gumbygirl

I call this tournament “The Massah’s.”

Gumbygirl

I gift it to you!

2Pack

Backs away and takes a critical look…

OK better now.

16752859414755.jpg
LemonJello

She seems nice.

2Pack

Jeez this screwed me up. Time warp thread on a loop here.

It’s fun looking back. But needs more golf babe. I’ll be right back.

Gumbygirl
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why are there still turds in your litterbox if the cat is dead?

Horatio Cornblower

When we moved into our house I got into a crawl space behind the walls, (no, the dwarf doses not currently live there), and found a whole bunch of fossilized turds, produced by a cat we later discovered had gone to its eternal reward years earlier.

Some people just don’t keep very good track of their cats, or their cat’s shit.

LemonJello

“Didn’t you read the post? The cat turds are part of his religion or something!”
-Lea Michelle

Horatio Cornblower

Appropos of nothing, I really love writing letters to client that boil down to “hey, I read your version of the accident and you need to be prepared to address the fact that the other 15 people involved are unanimous in their agreement that you are full of shit and in fact caused not only that accident but every single piece of human misfortune in the last three years.”

LemonJello

Das Trump is a client of yours?

Horatio Cornblower

Don’t be silly. There’s no way he knows how to drive a car.

LemonJello

When you said accident, I assumed it was the damage to the bedding in the penthouse suite after “Katinka” and a couple of her “girlfriends” partied there.

Gumbygirl

Katinkle. Fixed that for you!

Horatio Cornblower

Based on WCS’s approach to this year’s Masters let’s just say that I’m going 31 for 31 in V2.0 of this year’s draft. Next year.

Horatio Cornblower

Someday I hope to become the sort of eccentric multi-billionaire with enough desire and resources to do what should have been done years ago and napalm the Masters course from the first tee to the 18th hole.

During the tournament.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You had me at ‘palm’…” – Robert Kraft

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Nice of you to drop by!” – DJ 3000, still stuck in his time loop, to this post

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I love it.

ArmedandHammered

My wife and I love the Masters, since the gallery is so quiet it makes for a wonderful napping experience, Nantz’s hushed nonsensical burbling like a mountain stream just lulls us to sleep. We should tape it for when we have insomnia.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

2016, eh?

litre_cola

The Canadian is strong in BFC, soon superfluoUs U’s!

Game Time Decision

our work here is almost done

litre_cola

I am very confused of what is going on below me.

LemonJello

tWBS! THE POWER OF CTHULLU COMMANDS YOU! BEGONE FROM THIS SERVER! RETURN TO THE AFTERLIFE OR THE NEAREST PARALLEL DIMENSION FORTHWITH!

Also, tell Moose to stop by sometime.

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BeefReeferLives

Oof. Let’s just say that “Unsurprised” ‘s hot taek did not age well…..

Horatio Cornblower

Whatever happened to him? Did he get himself banned? I know someone did. Someone besides Sill, I mean.

Gumbygirl

I seem to recall him saying some nasty stuff to Zymm. I’m not gonna lie, didn’t like him, don’t miss him. I do, and will always, miss Moose.

Game Time Decision

re-publishing an old article is just a way to get WCS’s commenting numbers up.

LemonJello

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[…] of getting drunk, taking the dog for a walk, and sleeping. Anyway, we’ve been done this before. I got that one right. So, I’ll say it’s either Rory finishing the Career Grand Slam, […]

Wakezilla

There’s been a lot of press lately about the US women’s soccer team wanting to get paid the same as the men. I found it odd that many people were using success as the reason why US women should get paid the same as men.

It’s a dumb argument to make because the parity in men’s soccer is way bigger than in Women’s. Realistically, US, Japan and France are the teams that have a solid shot at winning the World Cup. Canada was the 8th ranked country and was going to get home calls in last year’s world cup and they didn’t have a hope in hell of winning the world cup.

In men’s soccer, the top 30 teams could do some damage at a World Cup, if not win it. The women’s Dutch team is ranked 15th and them making the quarters seems more like a pipe dream than a team ranked in the 40s in mens.

With that said, the US women’s team are rock stars and should be paid the same or close to the men’s team.

JerBear50

I agree with that for 99% of jobs, but professional sports is a little different. Should WNBA players be payed the same as the NBA?

JerBear50

I’ll also say though that in USA soccer, you don’t have nearly as big a divide in popularity/marketability as you do in basketball. If there is just as much or more demand for women’s soccer, than they absolutely should be paid the same or more than the men.

Wakezilla

Absolutely. Just airing a grievance of the argument sports shows were using yesterday and today. You can’t compare the success of the women versus the men when the competition level is way higher. Equally as stupid were the taeks that the men and women should play each other and the winner gets the higher paycheck.

JerBear50

I get what you’re saying, but while it is the same job, they end up with a different product. One is in demand, one not so much. If Factory A is a successful business with a product in high demand, but Factory B consistently loses money and has little demand for their product, should B give their workers the same raise that A gave their workers?

JerBear50

That was a trick question. No one gets raises. Factory B uses their loss to justify slashing pay and benefits despite giving bonuses to their upper echelon. They bilk the business for everything they can before selling it off in chunks and leaving the workers with no job and no severance package.
Factory A uses the events at B to frighten their workers. They put down talks of unionizing by telling the workers that they simply can’t afford to give them raises and they may even have to make some concessions. After all, look what just happened over at Factory B. They tried to organize and now they’re all out of work. Management then fires all the workers that were agitating and replaces them at a much lower wage with the desperate unemployed workers from B. They give themselves raises for being such competent managers and then spend the afternoon fucking each other with rolled up copies of Atlas Shrugged.

ballsofsteelandfury

Why are we talking about the Browns?

Unsurprised

I will vote for Donald Trump before I vote for Hillary. I will watch the world burn under him rather than see her be President.

Unsurprised

At least Trump doesn’t consider Kissinger to be a close friend and mentor.

Mr. Ayo

Thank our non-existent gHod that Drumpf will drop out before you can do so.

Unsurprised

No, he won’t.

Wakezilla

I don’t blame you.

But what if it is Cruz?

Unsurprised

I abstain. I will not vote for her, but Cruz is a psychopath who wants to kill us all.

Wakezilla

In that case, vote Jill Stein!

JerBear50

Hatshepsut < Bubbahotep

ballsofsteelandfury

Bettman is WAY too high on that list…

laserguru

I have a brother who just started driving for Uber. Today, there was a woman who needed a short 2 dollar ride to get a money order, he obliged because you know you have to keep your 5 star rating and shit.

This woman had a dog.

A fucking dog.

Not a service dog but her precious little doggie that she couldn’t leave at home for 12 fucking minutes.

If he says no, maybe she gives him a bullshit rating but if he accepts everyone who rides in the freshly cleaned and vacuumed car smells her fucking dog.

I’m calling bullshit.

I ain’t a dog guy first of all so there’s that but who the fuck does that?

Service dogs only.

That ain’t asking for much.

This fucking town and their dog ownership, man. I was in the grocery store where they have freshly cooked and prepared food and some dipshit dog owner thought they could bring a dog in the fucking grocery store.

WRONG!

Am I out of line here or is this common sense?

laserguru

I’m sorry to hear that WCS.

JerBear50

Sorry WCS, that’s a tough spot. Hope your furball recovers quickly. I had an emergency vet try to guilt-bilk me out of a ton of cash in the middle of the night for my pup a few years back. The vet was in the middle of the speech about how even though there wasn’t really a shot at recovery, we still needed to give it every option possible which was going to start at roughly 1500 to 2000 right off the bat. My dog was kind enough to kick off in the middle of that assholes guilt trip, so I didn’t have to make a decision.

Unsurprised

My brother has nearly given himself an aneurysm over this shit (The other L.A. bullshit that drives him insane is assholes in six-figure sports cars with goddamn handicapped placards) until he realized it wasn’t worth it to yell at some self-absorbed asshole over something so relatively trivial.

That being said, I hope your brother told her to shove that dog up its own ass and leave it on the curb because as I recall, the Uber driver rates the passengers, too. If she’s going to be a bitch by asking, then go scorched earth and salt the ground with her tears as no one ever picks her up again.

Unsurprised

This nonsense is fucking up life for real disabled people because I’ve already seen the signs up here barring all animals except seeing-eye dogs because that is the bare legal minimum of accommodation required under the ADA. It’s pissing people off and it’s going to end up with the ADA being changed because right now not only can’t you ask for proof of disability but it’s illegal to ask for proof even though any dickhead with $20 can buy a service animal vest on Amazon for their stupid ratfuck shitdog.

JerBear50

Better yet, big ass full dressed motorcycles with handicap plates.

JerBear50

My ex used to manage a fast food place. There were people that would lose their shit when they were told they couldn’t bring their fucking dog into a restaurant. When did that even become at all permissible, let alone an entitlement? What the fuck is wrong with people? I’m a dog lover but I realize not everyone else is, and you don’t just get to take them wherever the fuck you want.

And as long as we’re venting, don’t take your stupid, shitty kid to a nice restaurant. I don’t want to listen to your squalling fucking brat anywhere, let alone when I’m dropping two or three bills for dinner.

Unsurprised

I was seated next to one of those little fuckers once and it started bawling right into my ear. Luckily it’s the one I already have problems with so I just flat out said “It’s a good thing I’m already deaf in that ear” to its mother because fuck her.

JerBear50

It’s infuriating. You chose to have kids. That means you don’t get to always do the same things everyone else does. Your decision to have children doesn’t mean the rest of the world should have to deal with their shit because you couldn’t or wouldn’t find a fucking babysitter.

Wakezilla

Dogs in restaurants is messed up. Even worse is when they tie the dog up outside and go eat, resulting in the dog howling because of the smells and being left outside for over an hour.

The fucking Kids in expensive restaurants thing sets me off. If you can’t handle your precious little snow flake then do take out.

Conversely, people hooting and hollering in expensive restaurants where I can hear them across the restaurant also deserve to get shot.

JerBear50

For a while, restaurants were starting to institute no-kid policies, or if your kid sucks you will take your dinner to go policies. I thought it was fantastic, but there was a surprising amount of backlash which might be why I haven’t heard about it lately.

Wakezilla

I was just thinking about this. Vancouver was supposed to implement this, but then it got shot down I guess.

Wakezilla

I’ve never used Uber before, but, I would imagine preferences like no smoking/no pets is something that would be in the driver’s profile?

I guess it depends on the city. People in downtown Vancouver love dogs. Many of the richie riches have dogs (small ones) as an accessory (which is stupid). In a city like Vancouver, I’d imagine as long as the dog is the size of a Chihuahua or toy poodle and in a kennel, you’d have to take her. But in a city like Calgary, you easily get away with telling her to fuck off.

Wakezilla

Whenever I think about Donald Drumpf running for President, I always think he’s going to pull out (giggity) before the Elephants need to make a final decision.

Him “running” reminds me of Lex Luthor’s storyline in Justice League: Unlimited: (start around the 1:28 mark)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sI0vtqxoG1k

Unsurprised

An Objectivist superhero or Lex Luthor? I’m siding with Luthor.

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

Total coincidence….but I just discovered that butt and this song sync up almost flawlessly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUTXb-ga1fo

Wakezilla

Has too much endurance for a jiggling ass. Probably taking meldonium. 2.5/10 would not bang.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Am I the only one hearing “Ride of the Valkyries” while watching this?
http://bouncebreak.com/gif/bounce/a-nice-spinner.gif

theeWeeBabySeamus

I love the smell of [redacted] in the morning.

Mr. Ayo

Not over my raging [redacted]

Wakezilla

HNNNNNGH.

theeWeeBabySeamus

After I’m done with my food (still too hot to eat, btw) I might have my own CME.
Stress relief….woooo!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Back in the old days people LIKED otter puns! Wide eyed otter….. ‘n’ such!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I made that fine balance of weird, random and off-putting…. SWEET!

http://img1.joyreactor.com/pics/comment/comics-erection-forlackofabettercomic-doctor-550593.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, no balance whatsoever, but still.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Sorry kittens.
Run faster next time.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

What the hell is a “golf”?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

I dunno, I think it fits.
He’s sizing up the hole and pulling out the wood.
YOU’RE WELCOME.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL…I said “it fits”….giggity.

blaxabbath

Rory. That’s fun to say.

Rory.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, if this is too hard core NSFW I can understand if you remove it:

http://40.media.tumblr.com/1c879d5d2f70783b6edb2ecc58dd5092/tumblr_nukm726t7j1qhl5rgo1_500.jpg

Senor Weaselo

The only thing he wipes out are the nonbelievers!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, I really do gotta go find something to eat. Haven’t eaten all day (seriously).
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theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Sorry…this just occurred to me…
JACK o’ Lantern.
/ignore me..I’m hypoglycemic

theeWeeBabySeamus

To coin some Moose verbiage…this is BOTH HRS and SFW (but just barely the second one…and depending on where you work maybe not even. Your mileage may vary. But definitely HRS…WOOO!!!!)
http://liberallifestyles.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/bik-20.gif

Unsurprised

Christmas Ape Falls In Love

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NSFW.

But HRS*
h
ttp://45.media.tumblr.com/1f83a14acbc8b5d686e4c1cce1534dce/tumblr_ntw9bs96N51t0u9igo1_400.gif
*highly refreshing, soothing

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes…yes it is. Both.

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, I lied, but only because I can’t leave out Cotton.
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/587/262/faf.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m starting to think maybe I had a sheltered childhood. This kinda thing almost never happened to me.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

Actually that edit wasn’t NSFW after all. Yay.