The Tragic Descent into Holiday Hell

jjfozz - December 1, 2016November 30, 2016

Why am I writing about my unbridled hate for the holidays? Because those stupid ass fucks in charge of advertising have begun the assault on our senses. Slime eating vultures, they need to be slowly lowered into a cauldron of bubbling wassail and melted Advent candles. Yes, I realize the holidays

Insert Freezing Balls and Snowballs Joke Here

DFOing Good

jjfozz - October 18, 2016October 17, 2016

"Now is the winter of our discontent." Soupy Sales wrote that and became one of the greatest writers of our day. But as much as I value Soupy's elan and breeding, I think he needed to take this a step further. "Now is the winter of our discontent, because winter is one

Stab My Ears with Broken Mirros

jjfozz - September 19, 2016

I love music. You name it, I will listen to it. Except new country, I’d rather be locked in a closet with Cris Collinsworth, so you know I fucking hate new country. Over the years, I’ve kept up with my favorite type of music, which I guess is called “alternative.” But

Baltimore Bourble: The 2016 Ravens

DFOing Good

jjfozz - September 14, 2016September 14, 2016

Do you know that Baltimore’s old nickname was “Mob Town”? Do you know that the more things change, the more they remain the same? As I write this preseason thing, my city and town are in the summer doldrums. Humidity that hangs like a fetid blanket, scorching temperatures, cops shooting people,

Drowning Lessons, A Look at My Shitty Pool

jjfozz - September 6, 2016

So summer is over at my pool. Boo fucking hoo. I hate the place and wish it sprung a gigantic hole that allowed water demons to pour out of the earth and kill every person there. Is it that bad? Yes. Let’s begin with the fact that I hate pools because they’re

No One Cares About Your Stupid Life

DFOing Good

jjfozz - August 29, 2016August 29, 2016

You know what I need to know RIGHT FUCKING NOW? I need to know what you had for breakfast, and lunch, and dinner. And I need a goddamn picture of it, along with a description, and finish it with emoticons. That will complete me as a human being. Nah, just kidding. It

A Stupid, Pointless Game Played by Top Shelf Douchebags

jjfozz - August 22, 2016

The last time my father hit me was on a golf course. I was 30 and he was 64. I was on a golf course doing what I do on a golf course – losing my collective shit because golf is the stupidest motherfucking game in the whole goddamn world. This includes

The Dunghill of College Sports

jjfozz - August 15, 2016

College football is a fucking joke. Hey look! Iowa Asshole Polytechnic edged out Oklahoma Electrical Training Institute 65-8! It was close and we can’t wait for the rematch in the second annual North Dakota State Police Training Academy Brutality Bowl! What a contest. Give me a goddamn break. Every year we are

Tear Out Your Tongue

DFOing Good

jjfozz - August 8, 2016

110

I’m tired of talking. To everyone. Friends, coworkers, neighbors, children – those little heathens don’t pay attention anyway. The conversations we have are so goddamn mundane (25 cents word that I somehow remembered from SAT prep. I spent a lot of that class buzzed, trying to get into the pants of

Conflicted Feelings About Confusing Shit

jjfozz - August 1, 2016August 1, 2016

Christmas is almost here. And I don’t mean that fucking bullshit holiday where I spent a million dollars on gifts and hear my kids say, “Is that all?” on a Christmas morning that is witness to a thudding headache and dry mouth – because the holiday season calls for bourble. Nope,

Car Shopping With Rosie O’Donnell

jjfozz - July 26, 2016July 26, 2016

The only car salesman I have ever liked was the one portrayed by Kurt Russell in the 80’s classic “Used Cars.” If you haven’t seen it, go watch it and then come back here. Until you do, consider yourself dead to me. Seriously, how in fuck have you not watched this