Hello, friends. It’s a tradition unlike any other. It’s The Masters. I’m Jim Nantz, and it’s my distinct pleasure to bring you one of the great events in all of sports. It’s Augusta National Golf Club, the Mecca of professional golf. The pride, the heritage, the racial purity.

Yes, The Masters embodies all that’s right in golf: old, rich white men having the ability to dictate and micromanage however they see fit. It harkens back to a better time, and we here at CBS are proud to bring it to you. I’m Jim Nantz, reminding you again, that’s it’s The Masters—

Oh, fuck this. I can’t, and won’t try to keep up that shit. I apologetically love golf. I have since I was a kid, when my older cousin took me to a driving range when I was maybe ten or eleven. Yes, I spent my high school and college years when Tiger was murderdeathkilling his way to dozens of regular PGA Tour wins, and 15 majors. But, I was never enamored with him. I don’t love or hate him; he’s just another guy to me. I do love the majors, though. They’re 16 of the best days of the sports calendar. Well, I love most of the majors. The Masters can eat the turds out of my dead cats’ litter box.

The Masters represents every douchy, antiquated, regressive, and asinine golfing and social stereotype. They flaunt it, they celebrate it. The assmunchers who run Augusta National Golf Club are happy to remind you that rich white men have always, and will always, run things. They run the tournament akin to a military junta; step out of line, and you’re gone. Ask Gary McCord. It’s ass. As I said, Augusta National runs this thing with an iron fist. The crowds and galleries of fans are required to be referred to as “patrons.” You can’t run. You can’t have a cell phone, though I don’t have too much of an issue with that. It’s not rough, it’s the “second cut” of grass. Up until 2013, women were strictly forbidden from gaining membership. When they finally allowed women on the grounds, the first two invited for membership? Condi Rice and Carly Fiorina. Fuck ANGC.

The only reason I get somewhat excited annually for this circlejerk is because it’s been eight months since the Open Championship. My major golf itch needs scratched like Bill Belichick needs to bang your mom tonight. Otherwise, I just don’t get the build-up for this one. Give me the US Open or PGA anytime over this. Let’s not forget this is the first “real” Masters in the quasi-post-plague era.

Anyway, as much as I loathe the dickfaces that ruin any semblance of fun, the golf promises to be good. So, here’s a few things to watch for:

World No. 1 is Scottie Scheffler (who?). He’s already won three PGA Tour events this season, and a couple other tournaments overseas. He’s got the talent, he’s got the mental toughness, and he’s got the hot hand. Most people haven’t heard of this guy, and that’s understandable. Dude can play though. No one really is expecting much, so, the pressure’s off, which is never a bad thing.
Hideki Matsuyama won this thing last year, becoming the first Asian, and first Japanese player to win it. I hope this makes the crusty cucks that run the place angry.

Rory McIlroy can became the sixth man to complete the career Grand Slam. His play as of late has been shaky, but, maybe it’s finally time to get this shit over with.

Three-time champ Phil Mickelson is currently in self-imposed exile, after some… let’s say, questionable thoughts on the the Saudi royal family, and their less-than-stellar track record of human rights issues. He’s not playing for the first time in 28 years.

As of this writing, Tiger’s supposedly in this week. He hasn’t played competitively since another car crash last year. We’ll see how that happens, because, God forbid the frothing screaming heads be starved of their TAEKS on TWWL.

The top guys are all playing well. There’s a definitive feeling that the 2016 Masters will be a coronation for Rory, Speith, Scheffler, or perhaps Xander Schauffle. Dustin Johnson could even get make a—- no, no he can’t. He’s this generation’s Greg Norman, but, he does get to bang Paulina Gretzky, so don’t feel too bad for him.  There’s a lot of excitement, and a lot of buzz this week for all the top guys, which is exactly why someone like Corey Connors or Sepp Straka will have a new piece of green clothing on Sunday evening. Hey, I called it for Danny Willet in 2016.

Oh, and fuck Jim Nantz.