Las Razones Por Que Su Equipo Chupando: Paraguay Edicion

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - June 5, 2019June 5, 2019

Paraguayan National Football and Competitive Barbershop Quartet Team First off, I'd like to apologize to our Spanish-speaking DFOers for my atrocious butchering of a beautiful language. Second off, I'd like to apologize to our non-Spanish-speaking for exposing you to Spanish. According to my aunt's Facebook posts, having to listen to even as

Sermon on the Mound

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - April 10, 2019April 10, 2019

Author's Note: This is a piece I started and stopped about a hundred times since last fall. All this is long past now. We're going to bury my grandfather on Sunday. He wasn't my "real" grandfather. That is to say, he wasn't the father (or stepfather) of either of my parents. He

CrimeBeat!: Patriots Schadenfreude Day Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 22, 2019February 22, 2019

136

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh dear...it's so sweet it should come with a vial of insulin...I though "ROFL" was just an expression.... Brothers and sisters, we live in an Age of Common Wonders. We can talk instantaneously to someone on the other side of the planet and we think nothing of it. We have computers

The Devil’s Other Advocate

horror

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - October 31, 2018October 31, 2018

BAILIFF: All rise! JUDGE: Ooooowweeeeeoooo! Now, what do we have before us today? BAILIFF: There are two cases involving retail theft… JUDGE: Boring! BAILIFF: One resisting arrest…. JUDGE: Yawn. BAILIFF: 2,604 drunk and disorderlies… JUDGE: Slow weekend with the Eagles in London. BAILIFF: One attempted murder… JUDGE: Just attempted murder? BAILIFF: Yes, Judge. The victim and the accused were stationed

It’s Stuck, So Time to Force It: 2018 Detroit Lions Bye Weekapalooza

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - October 10, 2018October 10, 2018

It's a burden, being right all the time. I know, I know- I hear you virtually saying "But Mayhem, how could being right all the time be anything but wonderful? You win all the arguments, you hit the stock market like it was Tyreek Hill's baby momma,* and women fall over each

“Save Us, Jameis!” and Other Signs of Desperation: Tampa Bay at the Bye

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - October 3, 2018October 3, 2018

So the Roadrunner's a dick, right? Wile E. Coyote has some issues of his own, no argument. The ancient Greeks wish they had come up with a hubris myth as simple and powerful as Wile opening an ACME box. But the Roadrunner is the real villain of the series. Weird Al Yankovic

Hey Rube: Your 2018 Buffalo Bills Season “Preview”

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - September 5, 2018September 5, 2018

"So maybe there's hope. Or maybe I'm going mad... In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upward mobile — and the rest of us are fucked until we can put our acts together: Not necessarily to Win, but mainly to keep from Losing Completely." -Hunter S. Thompson, The Great

2018 Detroit Lions Preview: If It Sticks, Force It. If It Breaks, It Needed Replacing Anyway

Team Previews

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 7, 2018

Oh, you lovably chaotic Lions. Like the drunk toddler of the NFC North, you stagger into the coming season. No sense of what you're doing, where you're headed or why you're screaming. Don't ask why. Just enjoy the dance. Because I am not a Lions fan, and because their players no

Why Not Zoidberg?!?: Detroit Lions Bye Week Update

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - October 26, 2017October 26, 2017

RECORD: 3-3 PROJECTED RECORD: 4-2 So for the Lions Season Preview, I wasted your time with an extended discussion of Film. It thus seems only appropriate that I begin the Bye Week Bonanza on a literary note. In his novel A Dirty Job, Christopher Moore describes his protagonist as a “Beta Male”

The Tyranny of Meh: Buffalo Bills at the Bye

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - October 19, 2017October 19, 2017

RECORD: 3-2 PROJECTED RECORD AT THIS POINT: 1-4 So I was all set for it, right? It would be just like a normal Bills season, only we’d be losing semi-on-purpose instead of on the team’s own (lack of) merits. How much harder could it be? I’d done what I could to get into

HAPPY FUN BRAIN SCREAMING TIME: A Buffalo Bills Season Preview!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 31, 2017August 31, 2017

Holy shit, you guys, I can't remember going into a Bills regular season so stoked about their chances to Make Some Noise since... well, certainly since the expiration date on my collectable box of Flutie Flakes! Yes, it's been a long playoff drought. The Drought can now legally drive and get

CrimeBeat!: Detroit Lions Season Preview Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 24, 2017August 24, 2017

(Puts on Vince Mancini hat, dusts off Armond White’s seminal work, “Ethnic Frisson: Pretentiously Overbearing Pontification in Mid-Pre-Post-Modern Cinematic TruthBombing”) I am continually fascinated by Detroit in the context of movies. It’s now a tired cliché of dime-store film school refugees and bored-as-shit-on-a-film-junket directors to talk about how New York City is