WEEK ONE OF THE PRESEASON WOOOOOOOOOO….
Who’s ready to watch sixth-round draft picks from Middle Tennessee State run into undrafted guys from Cal-Poly and Mount Union?! This is our methadone for the four weeks, before our six month heroin bender begins.
24 teams (that’s 75% of the league; MATH!) play tonight. Here’s the rundown:
CLE-NYG
CAR-BUF
CHI-CIN
PIT-PHI
NOR-JAX
TB-MIA
WAS-NE
RAMMIT-BAL
DON Ts-GB
500s-Andy Reid’s BBQ
OL DOUBLE Js-SF
Clots-SEA
Get after it, bitches.
#31 for San Fran is getting cut.
“Definitely.”
-Ray Lewis
Cowboy Defense time. Let’s see if that Secondary coach is worth all the hype.
The combined age of the kickers in the game is what…80? 90?
Video of Balls at his compound.
How did you videotape me at my house?
Well, he’s no Michael Monroe, but dude’s got some move.
I for one am impressed by both of them. I can pull a hamstring while thinking.
“Works for me!”
– Marc Trestman, at a youth soccer league game
But wait, no, because there are a lot of kickers and OMYGODIJUSTGOTITANDNOWINEEDBRAINBLEACH!!!!
The 49ers should rent out the seats for places to sleep to the working poor of Silicon Valley.
That would be about 90% of the population.
it’d be their 1st sellout.
Bengals Radio: “No good! Its short and right!”
Boy, if I had a nickel…
Dak Rainbow. looked nice.
That new crossfit workout is intense.
Do you need tip afterwards or is it a flat fee?
Flats are included in the basic package, stilettos are what costs extra.
I assume those stupid toe shoes are straight-out banned.
it’s negotiable
So she does know him, and that is not her purse.
Touch Down Josh Allen
The audio keeps stuttering. This is making me hate FOX even more.
We will get Spokane FOX and we will like it dammit.
We sure as hell WILL NOT!
[shakes his head]
– Mike Mayock
GREAT DUMP OFF FROM LUCK !!! HE IS BACK BABY.
Dak Attack is playing? Why?
CUZ THE OL’ DOUBLE J IS FUCKIN CRAZY!!!! YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW
a goddamned STAR
He needs more time to get that rich metallic taste.
Small Dog Across the Street: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK
Me: Look buddy, it’s hot. I know it’s hot. It’s fucking miserable, and I’m sure you are too. I’m sorry your owner isn’t home to cool you down. If it were up to me I’d come over and crank your AC and give you belly rubs. But that would be illegal.
Small Dog Across the Street: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK
Me: [Sighs] I get it. But this isn’t helping anyone. In fact, it’s starting to really get on my nerves, you yappy prick. So, please, can we just both be miserable in silence?
Small Dog Across the Street: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK
Guy Next Door: [Dumps 5 times the amount of necessary lighter fluid on his grill]
Small Dog Across the Street: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK
Me: [Desperately closing apartment windows] Jesus Christ!
Dalmatian Below: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK
Me: DON’T YOU EVEN START!
And that’s the story of how Low Commander died from heat exhaustion, inhaling kerosene or was arrested for punting a dog off the Coronado bridge.
Actually, you’re probably gonna be praised for not punting yourself off the Coronado Bridge, considering the way that story usually plays out…
[sues The Maestro and Low Commander for copyright infringement]
– Tony Scott
I remember those days. One of the guys with the yappy dog burned himself and set the house on fire trying to make hash on his stove. He went to the hospital, then to prison.
Good times!
[weeps for the memory of the uneaten hash]
– Andy Reid
The neighborhood was tres mellow for a day or so.
“No, not that kind of hash.”
– Josh Gordon, also weeping
Well the SAWX didn’t win tonight (boo), but Mookie hit for the cycle for the first time in his career. God bless that beautiful man.
It’s like yer speaking another language…
Hell, if they lose he can hit for the cycle every night!
My local station was playing footage of some jazz pianist an’ now I WANNA FUCK SHIT UP!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqk1-q8gXcY
Why is Lamar! still playing? This is 3rd string time
Day 6 of slightly damaged puppy, and she’s gone from barely able to walk to chasing the cat in a full Sprint on 3 legs. It’s crazy how fast she switched up. I should probably be managing that behavior instead of cheering it on, but fuck it. Urge to choke shitty breeder remains high pending full examination.
I wish you and that dog all the best and the breeder to drink clorox.
Start the Cowboys/49er game already.
Why punish the people like that?
Oh god, I felt this in my soul. This was LT on Theismann levels of brutal.
And he is a complete fucking idiot who did it to himself.
But then you wouldn’t get your proper dose of NFL propaganda.
Punishment fits the crime.
Theismann’s verbal diarrhea: “Football players played football. Something we haven’t really seen in DC lately.”
Remember him, Mike Patrick, and Paul Maguire on Sunday Night Football?
I loved it. It was much better than Cats. I’m going to see it again and again.
Ref: “Half the distance to the goal or five yard penalty.”
We’ve had a choice all this time?
Pre-season, when one may behold the wonder that is multiple, rostered QBs worse than J. Peterman.
/don’t wait up for Marv Levy’s slow train
Methinks comedian Gilbert Gottfried (no doubt inspired by the brave example of Janeane Garofolo) is competing for the #2 job in CLT.
But we all know that Cam’s backup is really “oh well, top 5 draft pick!”
Urine is a more dense liquid than water, ppl forget that.
Yep, and the thrower could have taped razor blades or rusty nails to the baloon just to ensure a courtesy ‘pop’.
Damn, I was in CLT (airport varitial) just 8 hours ago but I didn’t see any Back-Up QB applications. Just as well, I was drinking and would have filled it out in crayon.
(Shit git real 9 SEP’18! WOOOOOO!!111!!1!)
man, I needs to score some for reals heroine for the big night
Will Grumblelord cut all these jabronis/palookas that are losing to the [*Redacted] s? Even if it’s only preseason?
Brian Kelly training film.
Official “Is It A Catch?” Review. Result: It is catch.
also you are misusing Scott Muthafuckin’ Hansen NFLN, and need to put that shit right.
NO GODDAMNED SMIRE
Bonus Clubhouse commissary credit for Commentists who make it through Pokes/Tomsulas!
I’ll be tuned in for the duration! Some stage of drunk but tuned none the less. But … uh … I quit somking three months ago tomorrow so what else is in the commissary other than smokes and expired health department condoms … edibles?
DAK DAK DAK DAK!!!!!
/there are also Nilla Wafers
//name brand, even. oh, and we FANCY
Holy shit this Browns announcer’s voice does not match his face
this was our family’s favourite 80s movie
I like preseason because of sentences like: “Ok, let’s see if Mannion can make a play on 3rd and 8…ooh, no, way high on that throw.”
Late Sixties/early Seventies tits were the best.*
*may have been raised by my grandfather’s porn mags
Justin Tucker just missed a 60 yard FG. Getting LOADS of great FFL info this week!
That is nuts, we are literally watching that show RIGHT NOW.
That show is fantastic.
Brogan Roback is a very CFL name.
Is he a REAL lumberjack?
Should I be frustrated or relieved that I’m in traffic rather than watching a Bears preseason game?
Uh. Relieved. The Bears made the Bengals 1st String Offense look good.
The next possibility: erect.
If you’re in traffic you should be concentrating on your squegee and those damn dirty windshields.
It does not appear that LA came to RAMMIT! in Balmer.
I’ll just leave this here. It may be needed.
It’s a fucking Cormac McCarthy novel outside. Expect to see cannibalism by Saturday.
If the Browns keep this up…we may get to see…
Brogan Roback baby!!!
Did they walk in on him masturbating?
I’m dying to see his helmet that is composed entirely of crushed Bud Lght cans.
/Flips up sunglasses
“Natty Light cans, brah!”
Moose, you my hero.
Colt McCoy hangs his first receiver out for punishment for the season.
Davis Webb’s main skill is making Elisha look cromulent.
“Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”
That’s ‘peak performance’ right there!
BLEERGH is in mid-season form.
HAIL BLEERGH!
Mid-season? The refs pointed the wrong way on a first down in CIN-CHI. They’re Playoff Ready!
So the scuttlebutt is back to back Super Bowl victories based on this first season game by the Browns.
Never mind that the Browns went 4-0 last preseason…
/Giants down 10 to the Browns
YOU CAN’T JUDGE THE OVERALL QUALITY OF A TEAM IN THE PRE-SEASON!
Sure you can! The Browns are terrible, and the Giants are ten points worse than that.
[scribbles something completely illegible]
Congrats! You just made my list.
#mollyonmolly
they, like, oh mah gawwwwwd, see me rollin’
they, ya know, hatin’