Author: Don T

Aaaaa [harp notes] The Shempiens… Round of 16, Gameday 2

Don T -
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Hello, individual in the middle of a workday, welcome to Day 2 of the Final 16 of the Shempiens Lïg. Teams play a two-legged series, ida and vuelta en español, which sounds like a holiday. Or, going and coming in English, which would be a very very efficient booty call. YOU: Ah

A Valentine for the Shempiens – Round of 16, Gameday 1

Don T -
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After an intense Hate Week and the sudden end of the NFL season, here’s Valentine’s Day: the most superficial and fabricated holiday there is. First, it’s a workday. Second, it’s all about merchandising and half-assing affection. Hearing “What are WE going to do for Valentine’s Day” sounds more like a

The Dream of Colonial Revenge: MAR v. FRA Slave LaboUr Cup Semi

Don T -
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You know how it is. Some foreigners come to your backyard like they own the place and steamroll over everything: freedom, language, culture, livelihoods... On the other hand [cleans and places monocle] the very ingratitude. This used to be a handful of huts populated by barefoot and unwashed masses. You

Slave LaboUrs Recap and Knockouts Day 1 Mundial Open Thread

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Hola, beautiful gente. Your regularly scheduled pachyderm is doing kingly stuff so excuse me while I hijack this spot to talk about an infuriating, kooky, and pretty freakin' absorbing Mundial. But first, our respects and a word for the dead. Category obe, countries that only scored one goal: https://media.giphy.com/media/F21kBMSPSrdZDLBIbD/giphy.gif Yeah, the "respects part"

Chalk or Destiny: Argentina Slave LaboUr Cup Preview

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"Oops, almost stepped on the country with the best fans, with the best insults, the best foods, with the best fútbol player and the best sights. In sum, the best country" reads the banner meme, a tight distillation of the world-famous Argentinian humility. As to Messi and food, yeah, it's accurate.

On the Offensive – Uruguay Slave World Cup Preview

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Greetings, cretins. Line up your toothiest, bity-est takes for the farewell performance of Luis Suárez’s career. More accomplished nags than I will also expound on Suárez’s presumptive dirty play and diving, which would sully further the already unredeemable festival of greed and homophobia that is the Cutter World Cup. It

The Cozy Simplicity of Crises: a Wednesday Motivational

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Let’s assume, just for a moment, that you are impatient or neurotic (quite a stretch, oh yeah). Imagine you are hungry and you extend an invitation to a friend or loved one for grabbing a bite wherever. And the very worst thing possible happens: “I dunno. Where do you want to

PreparatioUns Underway – Monday Open Thread

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There has been enough recreational fitbaw the last couple of weeks to make it inevitable [grabs chest, sighs]... That Week 1 is Coming Soon. We stand at three more weeks. It is time to start making the transition to receive unto us Red Zone channel. Amén. I’m sure that, like me, your

Can You Smell It? – PRESEASON Monday Open Thread

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You know those Pats fans who switched to the Bucs because of Brady? I bet devil worship is integral to their tailgates. But no; this 666 BBQ has to be the work of other fans. Availing of sausages to invoke the number of The Beast itself, Lord of Treachery, had

I Read The Watson Decision So You Don’t Have To – Monday Open Thread

Don T -
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Today, former U.S. federal judge Sue L. Robinson issued her decision in the Deshaun Watson case. It’s a six-game suspension dot dot dot and something more. Once the news broke out this morning, the takes became plentiful. And why the hell not. This is the Internet: a day without takes