CrimeBeat!: Detroit Lions Season Preview Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 24, 2017August 24, 2017

(Puts on Vince Mancini hat, dusts off Armond White’s seminal work, “Ethnic Frisson: Pretentiously Overbearing Pontification in Mid-Pre-Post-Modern Cinematic TruthBombing”) I am continually fascinated by Detroit in the context of movies. It’s now a tired cliché of dime-store film school refugees and bored-as-shit-on-a-film-junket directors to talk about how New York City is

Cleveland Roulette: Garrett or Trubisky?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - April 27, 2017

So whose it gonna be? Whose luck finally runs out when the Browns turn in their draft index card thingy? Is it going to be Myles Garrett, the three-year star out of Texas A&M, who averaged over ten sacks and two forced fumbles a season? The 6'4", 272-pound nightmare fuel who

CrimeBeat!: Bat Country Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - April 26, 2017April 26, 2017

No time for love, Dr. Jones- let's get right down to it. BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED! PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA CHARGE: Indecent exposure With apologies to WhyEaglesWhy. Can you hear it? Can you hear the low, menacing rumble, like a thousand Peter Kings' stomaches in an Acela™ Quiet Car? That's the sound of the City of

CrimeBeat!: Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - March 31, 2017March 31, 2017

Good men and women of DFO, rejoice, for I have heard your cry. Deep in my Timeless Slumber, though empires and eons passed me by, I heard the wailing of my people. "When?" you cried, to each other and to the uncaring sky, beating your chests in a vain attempt to

CrimeBeat!: Gift Horse Edition Part I

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 21, 2017February 21, 2017

So, over the last year of doing this "column," I have bitched on numerous occasions in the past about how desolate and bereft of Crime News I Can Use the off-season can be. But like the Monkey's Paw or online dating, one should be wary of that for what one

CrimeBeat!: Breaking News Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 17, 2017

WE NOW INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED "HARD RIDE TO NOWHERE" TO BRING YOU THIS SPECIAL REPORT: Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. I have the solemn duty to inform you that at 4:42 p.m., DFO Substandard Time on February 16, an unscheduled Jets Schadenfreude Day was launched from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Reports are still

Better Know A Guy Who’s Going To Screw Up Your Franchise For The Next 2-4 Years: Aftermath Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 15, 2017February 15, 2017

Whelp, the NFL Head Coaching Carousel appears to have come to a screeching halt with Kyle Shanahan's coronation as 49er's head "coach". Unless, of course, Jim Irsay reawakens from one of his quaalude-induced power naps and drops the hammer on Chuck Pagano. So: who is going to be the albatross around

CrimeBeat!: Whistling Past the Graveyard Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 8, 2017February 7, 2017

/closes eyes, pinches bridge of nose, puffs out cheeks and blows out breath. Ok. Ok. You can do this, Mayhem. //opens eyes, stares at the gaunt, haunted face in the mirror. It's going to be fine. You can make lemonade. You can make a silk purse. You can be a lawyer and politics

Free Ballin’ Football Podcast: Superb Owl Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 2, 2017February 2, 2017

[Editor's Note: Bill from Free Ballin' asked for a guest bloggy-post to introduce this week's episode, and he handed over the keys to Reverend Mayhem. God help them.] [soundcloud url="https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/305690620" params="auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false&visual=true" width="100%" height="450" iframe="true" /] Men. MEN! It's the last week of the season! Normally, this is a time for us to

Celebrity Superb Owl Picks: Sean Spicer

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 1, 2017February 1, 2017

COWARDLY MEDIA WHORE TRADING JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY FOR ACCESS: Good evening, and welcome to CNN. Tonight, we turn to a somewhat lighter topic than normal: picking the winner of the upcoming Super Bowl. With us tonight is professional faux-liberal doormat Alan Colmes... COLMES: Thank you. I'm just so happy to be... WHORE: And

End Times

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - January 29, 2017January 29, 2017

242

And they worshiped the Beast, saying, "Who is like unto the Beast? Who can make war with him?" -Revelations 13:4

CrimeBeat!: Giving Up the Gun Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - January 26, 2017January 26, 2017

[Note From The "Author": pursuant to a number of comments across multiple posts, CrimeBeat! will officially be a politics-free zone until things calm the fuck down. I trust that you are all (mostly) intelligent adults who understand the responsibility to keep yourselves informed and participate in the political process. I