OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ! The Honorable, the Right Reverend Electric Mayhem. All persons having business before this poorly-written, barely coherent pseudo-tabloid-news-show internet column are admonished to draw near and give their attention, for the Chief Asshat is now sitting. God save the Commentariat and this Sport we love and revile. We have
Bastards
CrimeBeat!: Celebratory Edition
Alright kids- turns out I am doing this week's CrimeBeat!, because my Dad ended up defying expectations and not dying on the operating table. Go modern medicine! I am exhausted and jubilant and incredibly pissed off that clients don't seem to understand the term "family medical emergency" when they really need
A Friendly Conversation
Operator: Greater Raleigh Telephone Operator Extension, how may I direct your call?….I see, yes sir, one moment please….(Phone Clicks)…Alright, you are connected to the video conference line to the Governor’s Office. Governor Pat McCrory (R-North Carolina): Roger! Good morning and thank you for calling me back! What took you so long though? You out getting gang sacked by some of those
CrimeBeat!: Lesser Sports Week
CrimeBeat!: Thirty Days Has Smarch
Oh god. The nightmares. The craving. The soul-crushing emptiness for those of us who do not Sully Ourselves with thoughts of Lesser Sports. The Bleakness walks among us, fellow pilgrims. It's another month until the draft. Another goddamned month. There is precious little relief in sight. Unless Will Fuller does the
CrimeBeat!: Rob Ford Memorial Edition
Ladies and gentlemen, sad news from the sporting world today as Toronto Councillo(u)r Rob Ford passed away at 46. We here at CrimeBeat! extend our best wishes to his family, his friends, and his dealers. Due to overwhelming sadness, and a complete goddamn lack of any newsworthy arrests, CrimeBeat! will
CrimeBeat!: Booooooooooorrred
Commentist Beer Barrel: Homebrew Edition
Ahoy-hoy, fellow beer coneseu connisor enthusiasts! Make it Snow is out again this week, presumably hiding from (or fleecing) the locust-like hordes of street musicians descending upon Austin. Keep playing that utterly-cliche-acoustic-guitar-ballad, young Rian; you're sure to land a record contract some day! Brettfavrescolonoscopy, in turn, provided perhaps the most Zen
CrimeBeat!: Meth-Smoking Clown Arrested at Waffle House
Welcome again, imaginary Internet friends! Ohhh men. MEN! The offseason blotter is finally heating up, and CrimeBeat! is here with as many of the sphincter-clenching reality-bombs about the men behind the game we love as I feel like typing about while avoiding work. Joseph Randle got arrested again, but it
CrimeBeat!: For Whom The Bell-End Tolls
CrimeBeat!: Seriously, What the S**t, Joseph Randle?
It's C-c-c-c-c-c-Combine Week, bitches! So far, no one has gotten arrested or been struck by divine enlightenment in Indy, but it's early, so *fingers crossed*. In more conventional bad behavior: Joseph Randle CHARGE: What, do I have all day for this? Ok, so he doesn't fit quite so comfortably into the "Current Player" category
VICELAND, Bitches!!!!
Holy shit, what da fuq is this now? H2, the History Channel's red-headed stepchild on which UFOs, Aliens, Conspiracy Theories, and maneating snakes (FAKE maneating snakes, that is) have come to abound, will diez a merciful death in merely 10 days. Now, I'm not at all saying that the sorts of programming