DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!??!?!? YES!!!! Friends, I have preached before at interminable length about how we live in The New Time of Wonders. Now BLEERGH!, Shan'khlor and the other Elderly Gods have seen fit to show us another Sign and Portent. Yes, it is Week 4, and Jimmy Garoppolo's bones and tendons
Bastards
CrimeBeat!: Blind Squirrel Edition
What a long, strange trip it's been for Antonio Brown in New England. They've laughed. They've cried. They've grumbled. Yes, Antonio Brown's lengthy tenure with Patriots has come to an abrupt and in-no-way-foreseeable end. Massholes, Junior Massholes from New Hampshire/Maine/Rhode Island and various band-wagoners will look back fondly on all the
Pissing Up God’s Flagpole: Your 2019 Detroit Lions Preview
[Author's Note: So this is it. The End. The final preview before the NFL meat grinder spins up to turn convert the bodies of healthy(ish) young men into Entertainment. Après moi le déluge de merde. Get hype.] Wyandotte. Shit. I'm only in Wyandotte. Every time, I think I'm going to wake up back in Midtown.... Everyone
No One’s Chargers 2019 Preview: Top Bolt
INTERIOR - CHARGERS WAR ROOM, MIRA MAR, CA - MIDDAY MAJ. TOM TELESCO: [Walking in] Good morning Tony. COMM. ANTHONY LYNN: Morning Tom. RADIO: Ghost Audience, we have an unknown aircraft entering our airspace. Vector 405 for bogey. TELESCO: Who's up there? LYNN: Rivers, Gordon, Bosa and Allen. EXTERIOR - THE SKIES ABOVE SAN DIEGO COUNTY CAPT. RIVERS: YOU BETTER ASK SOMEBODDDDDYYYYYY
Tripping Over The Light Fantastic; or A Desperate Plié: Your All-Dancing 2019 Buffalo Bills Season Preview
[Author's Note: As promised/threatened, this year's Buffalo Bills Season Preview will be conducted in the medium of interpretive dance. Yes, I know it's particularly inappropriate for Buffalo, which has no cheerleaders but a thriving post-angioplasty community. Expand your minds and get some culture, you barbarian savages.] Your 2018 Buffalo Bills: 6-10,
Santa Clara Diet: A San Francisco 49ers Preview
[Author's Note: In support of DFO's efforts to maintain its position at the bleeding edge of Blog Innovation, I have chosen to conduct this preview as a Pre-Post-Modern Impressionist visual meditation on man's inhumanity to man. Please tune in tomorrow for the Bills preview, which will be in the form
TB12Tots: Your Guide to Safely Endangering Children
Hi, I'm Tom Brady. You may remember me from giving your asshole acquaintances from Boston an undeserved sense of accomplishment for the last 18 years. People ask me, "How could you, a man generally considered bright enough to tie his own shoelaces without drooling on himself overmuch, decide that it was
Guay Referendum: 2019 Copa América Day 3
Today is the debut of Paraguay and Uruguay in the Copa América. Fish out of sand Qatar takes on Paraguay and the better Guay (YMMV) takes Ecuador. But let’s acknowledge the significance of this day. Via giphy.com Happy Vasectomy Awareness Day, reprobates. The smell of baby powder makes me squirm like a vampire
We need to talk about last night’s Paradise Hotel: Chlamydia Stew
A Tradition Like Any Other: Augusta National Can F*** Right Off
Here's a secret: I despise the dipshits who run Augusta National Golf Club. Glad-handing, misogynist dickheads who use the ideas of "tradition" and "the old ways" to actively make their golf tournament as white as possible. IT'S A GOLF TOURNAMENT YOU FUCKING FUCKS. Fuck these people with Satan's chainsaw wang. Yeah,
