CrimeBeat!: Patriots Schadenfreude Day Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 22, 2019February 22, 2019

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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh dear...it's so sweet it should come with a vial of insulin...I though "ROFL" was just an expression.... Brothers and sisters, we live in an Age of Common Wonders. We can talk instantaneously to someone on the other side of the planet and we think nothing of it. We have computers

The Devil’s Other Advocate

horror

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - October 31, 2018October 31, 2018

BAILIFF: All rise! JUDGE: Ooooowweeeeeoooo! Now, what do we have before us today? BAILIFF: There are two cases involving retail theft… JUDGE: Boring! BAILIFF: One resisting arrest…. JUDGE: Yawn. BAILIFF: 2,604 drunk and disorderlies… JUDGE: Slow weekend with the Eagles in London. BAILIFF: One attempted murder… JUDGE: Just attempted murder? BAILIFF: Yes, Judge. The victim and the accused were stationed

It’s Stuck, So Time to Force It: 2018 Detroit Lions Bye Weekapalooza

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - October 10, 2018October 10, 2018

It's a burden, being right all the time. I know, I know- I hear you virtually saying "But Mayhem, how could being right all the time be anything but wonderful? You win all the arguments, you hit the stock market like it was Tyreek Hill's baby momma,* and women fall over each

“Save Us, Jameis!” and Other Signs of Desperation: Tampa Bay at the Bye

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - October 3, 2018October 3, 2018

So the Roadrunner's a dick, right? Wile E. Coyote has some issues of his own, no argument. The ancient Greeks wish they had come up with a hubris myth as simple and powerful as Wile opening an ACME box. But the Roadrunner is the real villain of the series. Weird Al Yankovic

Hey Rube: Your 2018 Buffalo Bills Season “Preview”

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - September 5, 2018September 5, 2018

"So maybe there's hope. Or maybe I'm going mad... In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upward mobile — and the rest of us are fucked until we can put our acts together: Not necessarily to Win, but mainly to keep from Losing Completely." -Hunter S. Thompson, The Great

2018 Detroit Lions Preview: If It Sticks, Force It. If It Breaks, It Needed Replacing Anyway

Team Previews

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 7, 2018

Oh, you lovably chaotic Lions. Like the drunk toddler of the NFC North, you stagger into the coming season. No sense of what you're doing, where you're headed or why you're screaming. Don't ask why. Just enjoy the dance. Because I am not a Lions fan, and because their players no

Why Not Zoidberg?!?: Detroit Lions Bye Week Update

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - October 26, 2017October 26, 2017

RECORD: 3-3 PROJECTED RECORD: 4-2 So for the Lions Season Preview, I wasted your time with an extended discussion of Film. It thus seems only appropriate that I begin the Bye Week Bonanza on a literary note. In his novel A Dirty Job, Christopher Moore describes his protagonist as a “Beta Male”

The Tyranny of Meh: Buffalo Bills at the Bye

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - October 19, 2017October 19, 2017

RECORD: 3-2 PROJECTED RECORD AT THIS POINT: 1-4 So I was all set for it, right? It would be just like a normal Bills season, only we’d be losing semi-on-purpose instead of on the team’s own (lack of) merits. How much harder could it be? I’d done what I could to get into

HAPPY FUN BRAIN SCREAMING TIME: A Buffalo Bills Season Preview!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 31, 2017August 31, 2017

Holy shit, you guys, I can't remember going into a Bills regular season so stoked about their chances to Make Some Noise since... well, certainly since the expiration date on my collectable box of Flutie Flakes! Yes, it's been a long playoff drought. The Drought can now legally drive and get

CrimeBeat!: Detroit Lions Season Preview Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 24, 2017August 24, 2017

(Puts on Vince Mancini hat, dusts off Armond White’s seminal work, “Ethnic Frisson: Pretentiously Overbearing Pontification in Mid-Pre-Post-Modern Cinematic TruthBombing”) I am continually fascinated by Detroit in the context of movies. It’s now a tired cliché of dime-store film school refugees and bored-as-shit-on-a-film-junket directors to talk about how New York City is

Cleveland Roulette: Garrett or Trubisky?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - April 27, 2017

So whose it gonna be? Whose luck finally runs out when the Browns turn in their draft index card thingy? Is it going to be Myles Garrett, the three-year star out of Texas A&M, who averaged over ten sacks and two forced fumbles a season? The 6'4", 272-pound nightmare fuel who

CrimeBeat!: Bat Country Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - April 26, 2017April 26, 2017

No time for love, Dr. Jones- let's get right down to it. BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED! PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA CHARGE: Indecent exposure With apologies to WhyEaglesWhy. Can you hear it? Can you hear the low, menacing rumble, like a thousand Peter Kings' stomaches in an Acela™ Quiet Car? That's the sound of the City of