Yay, We’re All Happy About Brady’s Seventh Ring – The 2021 DFO Tampa Bay Buccaneers Preview

SonOfSpam - August 11, 2021August 11, 2021

600,000 Americans died last year from a disease that kept them from getting enough air in their lungs, so it was only appropriate that the Super Bowl was won by the one guy who gets positively erect over "not enough air." Yes, Tom Dickcheese Brady (ed. note - did we

The DFO Euro 2020 (In 2021!) Preview: Hungary

SonOfSpam - May 14, 2021May 13, 2021

We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have: Copa América Euro 2020 CONCACAF Gold Cup Tokyo Olympic Games And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020! Yes, it is 2021 but they decided to keep the name, ok? From now until the tourney

Brady Bunch in the Bay – The Buccaneers 2020 DFO Preview

SonOfSpam - August 11, 2020August 10, 2020

Our 2019 Tampa Bay preview focused on the team's nickname and the crab-filching faltching felching stealing quarterback. Well, seasons change, people change, but Tampa Bay's quarterback remains shady. Just in case you missed the news (and the accompanying screeching and wailing from the Greater Boston area), Tom Brady decided to

Cleveland’s Not Yet N Sync: Ain’t No Lie, Browns At Bye

SonOfSpam - October 18, 2019October 18, 2019

Remember when everyone thought the Browns would be good this year? That was adorable. They are 2-4 at their bye, and Baker Mayfield kinda sucks, and David Njoku broke something, and Nick Chubb still has a name that makes me giggle. Their coach is this random DUI mugshot: Still kinda laughing about Chubb. Anyway, the

Jameis and the Giant Zilch: The 2019 Buccaneers at the Buccabye

SonOfSpam - October 16, 2019October 15, 2019

So every team gets a bi bye, and the players rejoice (like they didn't joice enough the first time). This week, the Tampa Bay Buck-an-Ears get to play grabass off the field and not get CTE, which means I gotta fucking write about how they're doing I get to regale

Screw It, I’m Quittin – The 2019 Indianapolis Colts On Bye

SonOfSpam - October 9, 2019October 7, 2019

In retrospect, it may not have been wise to make the 2019 Indianapolis Colts Preview post all about Andrew Luck. Just before the season started, Andrew's agent gave Jim Irsay the Sister Christian treatment; e.g., "You know that boy don't wanna play no more with you...it's true." MOTORIN WHAT'S YOUR PRICE FOR Sorry.

All Apologies to Lewis Carroll: The DFO Indianapolis Colts 2019 Preview

SonOfSpam - August 26, 2019August 7, 2019

THE ANDREWLUCKY ’Twas brillig, and the boring Colts Did gyre and gimble in the 'Nap: All drunkish were the cheering dolts, Gravy'd sacks of fatty crap. ω “Protect the AndrewLuck, my son! The fragile arm, the aching back! Beware the Watt and Clowney pair, And hand it off to Mack!” ω He took his ovoid ball in

Jameis Rides Again – The Tampa Bay Buccaneers DFO Preview

SonOfSpam - August 6, 2019August 5, 2019

No one really cares about this team. The last time they were interesting, Mike Alstott was winning fans' hearts two yards at a time, and Jon Gruden was considered a quality football mind. With that in mind, this preview is gonna be a listicle. I'm lazy, you don't care, it's

Boots On The Ground – The Jeopardy! Edition

SonOfSpam - May 16, 2019May 16, 2019

There's this guy named James Holzhauer who has recently dominated one of the most beloved shows ever to appear on America's airwaves. (To clarify, for once I am not referring to Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.) He's won over a million dollars in just a few weeks and now holds

Celebrity Super Bowl Picks: Tomi Lahren

SonOfSpam - January 28, 2019January 27, 2019

Many news organizations and pop culture websites report Super Bowl picks from today's hottest celebrities. Here at DoorFliesOpen, we decided to request picks from horrible people instead. Hatemongering attention whore Timmi Latrine answered the call and submitted this poorly-worded screed for our amusement. This is entirely unedited and in her