A Yinzer Rant About Dirt (Stillers At the Bye Primer)

Redshirt’s Dirt Bungles contingent may challenge Milly-waw-kay for Central Division domination for a while. The Best Fans in Based Balls should be paying attention. Same for the Small Bears. Congrats, Redshirt. Its not the Cardinals or Cubs, no problem here.

Not to worry about the Dirt Stillers, though. Bob Nutting’s smothering puppies and Paul Skenes’ potential using pillows stuffed with his cash right now. Nutting claims this a business expense on his taxes, and probably charged Skenes the cleaning bill for the dog blood and entrails. Yes, I’m saying Bob Nutting kills small animals for fun in his free times. What does pet murder have to do any of this tie into the Stillers at-the-bye you thought you’d be reading at this point? We’ll get there, I promise. Just stay with me.

Paul Skenes will look fantastic winning Cy Youngs in a Mets or Dodgers uniform in a couple years. He finished 2025 with a 1.97 ERA, led the Majors. He also finished fourth in the NL in strikeouts and WHIP. His record? 10-10. He threw three shutouts, and also managed to be on the losing side of two 1-0 games.

Thank you, Mr. Nutting, for turning an historically significant franchise, and utterly destroying anything fun, positive, and enthusiastic about it. You stole Andrew McCutheon’s chances of ever winning even a pennant from him, and you’ll likely do the same for Skenes. I don’t want Paul Skenes here any longer than the barest of minimums. The less exposure to the toxic radioactive sludge pit of a joke of this franchise, the better for his development and long-term success. You’re one more year away from getting out of this disasterpiece, Paul. Hang in there, bud. Don’t worry about the rest of us; we’re used to it, anyway. I’m not alone in the mindset we don’t want you wasting your talents for Bob Nutting’s benefit, either. You deserve better.

I like baseball, and I always have. We rag on it, rightfully. It can be tedious, and it takes itself waaaaaayyyyy too seriously at times. But, it’s fun, and the denizens here with even mediocre franchises seem to enjoy themselves when their teams are doing well. I wouldn’t know what that feels like. I never really have, either. That’s what being a Pirates fan born in 198x has done to two entire generations, and growing.

The Pirates are in contention for the worst franchise in North American professional sports in my lifetime. At least this century. The Pauls, the actual Clippers, the Arizona/Phoenix Coyotes, and the Buccos. Awesome! I don’t complain, because I know how lucky I am to have arguably the greatest hawkey team in the NHL since 1990. I’m not exaggerating; the Penguins have unbelievably lucky, and blessed with the proverbial “generational” talent for several decades now. The actual Stillers are one of everyone’s least liked teams, because SIX SUPERB OWLS BITCHES WOOO STAIRWAY TO SEVEN WITH AARON HERE WE GO WE GO—- (akk!).

Erm, excuse me..

Anyway, I’m aware things as a whole could be far worse, and overall my teams have success. Plenty of success, and I’m very grateful. It’s just sports. The Pirates are beyond saving at this point, however. As long as Bob Nutting runs the show, this team is boned. He has stated many times that he isn’t interested in selling. Why would he be? The Pirates aren’t his primary source of incoming; it’s almost complete profit for him.

Nutting is in the Forbes Top 500 wealthiest, and the Pirates earn him a university’s annual endowment every year. He’s 63 years old, and lives in Wheeling, West Virginia. West Virginia has less taxes, you see. Wheeling is only 45 minutes away from PNC Park, as well. Yes, he is cheap enough to commute, versus living closer to his team and paying the local gubmit and school tax. He’s “committed to winning,” though! Maybe he’ll really splurge this off-season, and bring Derek Bell back out of retirement to really shake things up!

When the 2025 season opened, the Pirates had 15 players signed to one-year contracts. 15. They shit-canned Derek Shelton as manager about a third of the way into the season, when they were already 22 games out of first place. Interim-turned-full time starting in 2026 skipper, Donny Kelly, genuinely seemed to light a spark in the clubhouse, as they did play demonstrably better from that point on. However, any time they would start to gain some momentum, they’d inedibility remember they are Pirates, and revert back to normal. Sweeps of the Cubs and Dodgers were followed up eight-and-twelve game losing streaks, respectively. Of course, it may not matter too much, since a lot of next year’s roster will be different, anyway.

Whoever gets Paul Skenes in 2027 is going to jizz in their pants. Unless the Buccos find a way to destroy him next season, which is VERY possible. Like, I said, hang in for one more year, Paul. You got this.

The Stillers will perpetually lord over the Bungles, though.