The Voodoo He Do So Well: 2024 Stillers What-Have-You

Yinz already know I’m going through the “life transition,” and whatever. I’ll take my D- on this, and be happy not be exiled to Lowratio’s outhouse for a fortnight.

Between my work computer not having access to funny gifs, and my home computer is suddenly quite ill, on top of everything… well, sorry.

OFFENSE

Well, if you hadn’t heard, they’ll be trying Ol’ Man Russ (for about six weeks) behind a young and as-of-yet-unproven offensive line that’s already down one starter (RG Isaac Seumalo) and about to start two rookies (2024 first and 2nd round picks, OT Tony Fautanu from Washington, and C Zach Frazier WVU WOOOOOOO). I mean, nothing says “strategy for success” than putting your brittle, very-past-his-prime DangeRUSS behind a set of blockers that are learning on the fly, right?
When Russ is eventually dismembered by Week Seven, the Stillers’ back-up is Justin Fields. That’s former-Bears-first-round-pick-turned-sort-of-maybe-okay-ish Ohio State product Justin Fields, also acquired via offseason trade. I mean… sure.

That leaves us with the running backs (good!) and the receivers/tight ends (contains potassium benzoate). Wide receiver George Pickens is well on his way to being the next Stiller receiver who does nothing after he prices himself out, and is the only real #1. The story of the offseason was Tomlin and GM Omar Khan playing footsie with the Santa Clara Yorkie Niners and Brandon Aiyuk which had more “on/offs” than a Brett Favre retirement decision. Ultimately, Aiyuk stated out West, and the Stillers still have… I dunno, like Calvin Austin or maybe some random fifth-rounder who develops into a legitimate deep threat. They haven’t had one of those in a few seasons it seems. Also, they just resigned Heath Miller 2.0 in Pat Frierereremuth to keep new offensive coordinator Arthur Smith, Jr. (yes, him) running all those mediocre tight end sweeps that worked so shittily in Hotlanta! They also allegedly have Darnell Washington, more of house than an actual human. This guy is 6’8″ 315, and they don’t do anything with him. Either he’s a very large paperweight and is useless, or he’s such a physical freak, the coaching staff is intimated by him. Either way, expect him to see much more action this season.

Najee Harris and Jaylen Warren should each actually thrive well this season. SHOULD. If there’s one thing the dipshit running offense did do well in the NFC South was running the ball. Najee could crack 1,200 yards and ten touchdowns, and Warren around 800 and five himself. Now, watch both go down before I finish typing this sentence.

DEFENSE

Cam Heyward’s back for his 93rd season. TJ Watt is still crushing villages for sport. DeMarvin Neal could become the next great Stiller nose tackle that doesn’t get the national praise, but keeps opposing running attacks stuck in neutral.

Linebackers welcome Patrick Queen from Bawlmer of all places. That, in and of itself, will never not be hilarious. I don’t anticipate a blow-your-nips-off season from him, but watch him wreck the AFC North. Newbie linebacker of the Wolven sort Peyton Wilson is supposed to be a gem.

Secondary still has Minkah Fitzpatrick, a solid pick for best recent in-season trade in franchise history. They also welcomed back known shitheal, Cam Sutton, for some reason. Joey Porter, Jr. will solidify his family name in Yinzburgh, and undrafted rookie Beanie Bishop (WVU WOOOOOOOO) has taken the other starting corner.

Honestly, this is a top-five unit.

SPECIALITIES

K Chris Boswell quietly continues to be the second-best kicker in the division and conference. The punting experiment they tried the last two seasons came to its rightful death. Now, they’ve got some Australian guy to try that. We’ll see. Don’t bother asking about returners, because that’s another fun element of foobawl Goodell has managed to neuter.

COACHING

Arthur Smith joins, Terryl Austin returns as DC, as does Danny Smith (no relation) as special team guru. Tomlin will still Tomlin. You know what you’re getting. The standard is the standard that other standards are standardized by.

OUTLOOK

Honestly, the AFC North is probably the toughest division in the league. I really can’t remember another time that was the case. Either Burrow or Lamar! go down for the season before the halfway mark. Whichever survives, their team wins the division at 11-6; Stillers finish 10-7 in second and snatch the fifth seed. Whoever loses their quarterback between the Ratbirds and Bungles finishes third and just misses the last playoff spot at 9-8. THE COSBYS finish 4-13, because Myles Garrett apparently pissed off some gods in a previous life.

10-7, two playoff game wins, before losing to Buffalo in the AFC Championship Game.

I’m already getting paid to put out fires and shit like that. Why not just hire me, Mr. Rooney? I’m Irish, and a lapsed Catholic.