Yinz already know I’m going through the “life transition,” and whatever. I’ll take my D- on this, and be happy not be exiled to Lowratio’s outhouse for a fortnight.
Between my work computer not having access to funny gifs, and my home computer is suddenly quite ill, on top of everything… well, sorry.
OFFENSE
Well, if you hadn’t heard, they’ll be trying Ol’ Man Russ (for about six weeks) behind a young and as-of-yet-unproven offensive line that’s already down one starter (RG Isaac Seumalo) and about to start two rookies (2024 first and 2nd round picks, OT Tony Fautanu from Washington, and C Zach Frazier WVU WOOOOOOO). I mean, nothing says “strategy for success” than putting your brittle, very-past-his-prime DangeRUSS behind a set of blockers that are learning on the fly, right?
When Russ is eventually dismembered by Week Seven, the Stillers’ back-up is Justin Fields. That’s former-Bears-first-round-pick-turned-sort-of-maybe-okay-ish Ohio State product Justin Fields, also acquired via offseason trade. I mean… sure.
That leaves us with the running backs (good!) and the receivers/tight ends (contains potassium benzoate). Wide receiver George Pickens is well on his way to being the next Stiller receiver who does nothing after he prices himself out, and is the only real #1. The story of the offseason was Tomlin and GM Omar Khan playing footsie with the Santa Clara Yorkie Niners and Brandon Aiyuk which had more “on/offs” than a Brett Favre retirement decision. Ultimately, Aiyuk stated out West, and the Stillers still have… I dunno, like Calvin Austin or maybe some random fifth-rounder who develops into a legitimate deep threat. They haven’t had one of those in a few seasons it seems. Also, they just resigned Heath Miller 2.0 in Pat Frierereremuth to keep new offensive coordinator Arthur Smith, Jr. (yes, him) running all those mediocre tight end sweeps that worked so shittily in Hotlanta! They also allegedly have Darnell Washington, more of house than an actual human. This guy is 6’8″ 315, and they don’t do anything with him. Either he’s a very large paperweight and is useless, or he’s such a physical freak, the coaching staff is intimated by him. Either way, expect him to see much more action this season.
Najee Harris and Jaylen Warren should each actually thrive well this season. SHOULD. If there’s one thing the dipshit running offense did do well in the NFC South was running the ball. Najee could crack 1,200 yards and ten touchdowns, and Warren around 800 and five himself. Now, watch both go down before I finish typing this sentence.
DEFENSE
Cam Heyward’s back for his 93rd season. TJ Watt is still crushing villages for sport. DeMarvin Neal could become the next great Stiller nose tackle that doesn’t get the national praise, but keeps opposing running attacks stuck in neutral.
Linebackers welcome Patrick Queen from Bawlmer of all places. That, in and of itself, will never not be hilarious. I don’t anticipate a blow-your-nips-off season from him, but watch him wreck the AFC North. Newbie linebacker of the Wolven sort Peyton Wilson is supposed to be a gem.
Secondary still has Minkah Fitzpatrick, a solid pick for best recent in-season trade in franchise history. They also welcomed back known shitheal, Cam Sutton, for some reason. Joey Porter, Jr. will solidify his family name in Yinzburgh, and undrafted rookie Beanie Bishop (WVU WOOOOOOOO) has taken the other starting corner.
Honestly, this is a top-five unit.
SPECIALITIES
K Chris Boswell quietly continues to be the second-best kicker in the division and conference. The punting experiment they tried the last two seasons came to its rightful death. Now, they’ve got some Australian guy to try that. We’ll see. Don’t bother asking about returners, because that’s another fun element of foobawl Goodell has managed to neuter.
COACHING
Arthur Smith joins, Terryl Austin returns as DC, as does Danny Smith (no relation) as special team guru. Tomlin will still Tomlin. You know what you’re getting. The standard is the standard that other standards are standardized by.
OUTLOOK
Honestly, the AFC North is probably the toughest division in the league. I really can’t remember another time that was the case. Either Burrow or Lamar! go down for the season before the halfway mark. Whichever survives, their team wins the division at 11-6; Stillers finish 10-7 in second and snatch the fifth seed. Whoever loses their quarterback between the Ratbirds and Bungles finishes third and just misses the last playoff spot at 9-8. THE COSBYS finish 4-13, because Myles Garrett apparently pissed off some gods in a previous life.
10-7, two playoff game wins, before losing to Buffalo in the AFC Championship Game.
I’m already getting paid to put out fires and shit like that. Why not just hire me, Mr. Rooney? I’m Irish, and a lapsed Catholic.
Open thread is operational.
Great Unexpected (And Quite Welcome) Week 1 Father Gift Today —
On this very field, blaxito line drived a wiffle ball at my right nut a bit ago. One of these fatherhood moments I’ve been waiting to finally experience. Just starting laughing (OL!, in fact) and walking away the moment it struck me. Didn’t hurt terribly bad but made me re-appreciate the often-ignored voice in my head that’d been saying, “Sooooooo probably want to stop throwing the little league balls mixed-in now that you can’t move back but he just connected with THAT one and the bat is aluminum by the way, Me…”
Then blaxito started acting kind of concerned/confused and I explained what’s up and then he was just like, ‘huh’ and I was like, “it’s just funny sometimes. Grab your bat. Good hit.”
So anyways now he has huevos in his black-market vocabulary. Which I feel is pretty good considering the videos of dudes getting their balls busted open on ChiveTV or whatever the hell it is that plays continuously on every 5th screen at the bowling alley.
Did you shout “my groin!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqRQUHavttI
“WCS’s season preview post had detailed position-by-position analysis, leavened by humor and pathos. On the other hand, Blax’s ‘Getting Hit in the Nuts’ comment had Blax getting hit in the nuts, so…..”
Isn’t our emergent NT Keanu Benton? (& he is looking good) Leal’s a DT, IIRC.
After watching Fields a lot with my Bear fan chums, I have my doubts if he will ever be a starting level QB. His quick decision making can be erratic.
The only difference between Decisive and Erratic are the outcomes.
Well, the outcome was “backbreaking red zone pick” too often when he was with da Bears.
Just looked up the Minnesota QB depth chart. Wow. What week will Justin Jefferson demand a trade?
Tyreek Hill arrested, then released, on his way into the stadium today.
Ordinarily I’d figure it was asshole cops targeting a Black man driving an expensive car, but since this was Tyreek Hill I’m just going to assume he committed, was committing, or is going to commit, several heinous felonies and that this is a rare instance of the cops being right.
I think a safer assumption is that one of the cops had him on his fantasy roster.
Profiling does occasionally work.
Especially when the offense is question is, “Being black.”
Always like gorgeous days like today, where I wake up and my lower back says “hope you were planning on lying flat on your back on a heating pad on the floor, because that’s about all we’ll be doing today!”
Fucking aging, man.
I went into the office at 7, and fetched a bunch of personal detritus from my office (which, in my latest professional humiliation, I have been asked to give up since I work almost exclusively from home – the implication being “we will watch your datacard to ensure you start working in-office again otherwise”). I was given all of 10 days notice for this.
Anyway, I felt various muscles tugging at my skeletal system during the process, and will take your morning as extra assurance that I best write my idjit column during SNF. And set my “out of office” e-mail for Monday.
I had to give up my office as well. They needed the space and I was never in the office. It was a pretty easy trade-off, but I also left all my stuff there.
Guy who took it is now the proud owner of a very cheap portable stereo system from something like 2001.
It has not one but two tape decks!
I had a double tape deck ghetto blaster, too. But like, in the late 1980s.
The stuff I got was my diplomas (my mom paid a lot for the framing so I felt I needed to retrieve) and old kid pictures/pre-school pen cups, etc. I left quite a bit for them to file or throw out.
I own two identical combo table deck/CD players. One I purchased myself for my dorm room in college, and the second I acquired in the late 90s when my roommate left his behind.
Awesome! He can make mixtapes from his favorite cassettes!
My office boom box (CD… AND Cassette) blasts Social Distortion at awful levels early in the morning in a very un DOD like manner.
I’ve gotta rep to uphold ya know.
You guys gotta warm up better.
If only you had some small person who could walk on your back for you.
Wee man’ll get aroused, though, and you know what happens after that…
That’s a paddlin
mega aroused, then!
“I like the way Dunstan thinks outside of the box” I say, opening a padlock and letting a certain someone out of their “nighttime box.”
The “gorgeous” part of today in LA was from 6:15 a.m. to 6:30 a.m.
I think Fields will do well with the Steelers, assuming he doesn’t have permanent damage from the Bear spray
Free agents were pretty hesitant to sign with the Bears after Rex Grossman’s tenure ended because they heard rumors that the team had started insituting a “Bear spay” policy in response to his…predelictions.
I hope you’re right, but have my doubts. Bears stink don’t come off easy. Tho’ maybe I’m just traumatized by last year’s dalliance with The Truthbiscuit. Ugh.
Change of life? Welcome to male menopause, Yinzer imaginary friend!
(if you don’t like your perceived body temperature, wait 5 minutes and it will change dramatically)
I think someone said you are reading The Heaven And Earth Grocery Store? If that is the case get ready because it is a mind blowing, excellent read, enjoy the ride.
Indeedy-do! Can already tell it will be excellent.
So Tanneyhill to Green Bay? Makes sense to me.
If Love was out for the year, yeah, but with him only out for 3-6, you’d may as well go with Willis and see what you got.
Knees are tricky though. I think it will be a lingering one. Seeing that thing pop in slo-mo was something.
Few people know as little about the 2024 Pittsburgh Steelers than me. From what I have heard in passing, I honestly thought this was a phone-it-in season.
Let me see their Week 4 injury report though….
Early reports are Justin Fields may be starting for Pittsburgh due to Russ overcooking his calf. But this may be addition by subtraction.
How happy are you going to be watching that car crash this year?
Which one?
Pittsburgh!
It was like watching the Titanic for the 25th time. You knew it was going to end with it going down, but you’d figured you may as well watch it go down.
And the production had very authentic uniforms!
Typical! A phoning-it-in effort by Pittsburgh is light-years better than a good-faith-effort by Cincinnati. Football is back!
Nicely done.
Kurt Warner played in the NFL before the edict of the league was protecting
QBseveryone and was absolutely Bountygated by New Orleans in their whatever-year playoff game.Lamar adapts to modern rules by losing 15 more pounds. Warner adopted by learning to get rid of the ball immediately / wear shogun armor.
So I planned a joke about Wilson being old but maybe he’ll be like Warner (RAMMIT –> NYG –> ARI) who looked like shit in NYG (DEN for Wilson) but was good again at his third stop. And then how RW is fucked because he’s just too slow for the league now. Same thing that happened to defensive players — you’re a dinosaur where the new rules have made personal fouls crippling and every offensive play call includes a bailout for just trying to get a flag. How many plays a game is someone not crying to refs from their pristinely clean uniform?
So I was gonna be like, Warner is tough and Wilson is soft and I did a search for Warner in his end-of-days pads with the arm brace and he looks like that pirate character from The Lego Movie. Instead I found this and I decided it’s a much better image to share of what is on the Arizona Cardinals website today.
Warner was a journeyman QB who fought for everything he got. Wilson is an entitled QB who feels he deserves everything he wants.
Point is — Cardinals headline is that they got ‘skinned (scalped) by the [*Redacted] s.
I guess all it took was nine shot up cars by a highway shooter to finally see “Kentucky” and “Active” in the same sentence.
What makes the Kentucky police so sure he’s not just some drunken hillbilly hunter who spent his entire SSDI payment on bullets so he’s just spraying them at anything that moves?
Look he was just celebrating his sister/aunt’s wedding to his brother/cousin,
btw, I’m 0-2 in staying awake for 4th quarters in 2024. May have to revive Sunday afternoon coffee and nic gum binge.
Alternatively, 5 PM fried chicken and weed binge, plus ice cream sundae with melatonin sprinkles if Bears win by more than 8.
I found these gummies that hit in like 15 mins (they advertise).
Down in 5.
I will not be present during the day. My pub is having their annual regulars party. Closed to the public ridiculously cheap booze and food. I will be a puddle by the night game. I took tomorrow off from work just in case.
Great stuff! Rooting for Jameis to take over THE COSBYS.