Author: SonOfSpam

All Apologies to Lewis Carroll: The DFO Indianapolis Colts 2019 Preview

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THE ANDREWLUCKY ’Twas brillig, and the boring Colts        Did gyre and gimble in the 'Nap:  All drunkish were the cheering dolts,        Gravy'd sacks of fatty crap. ω “Protect the AndrewLuck, my son!        The fragile arm, the aching back!  Beware the Watt and Clowney pair,        And hand it off to Mack!” ω  He took his ovoid ball in

Jameis Rides Again – The Tampa Bay Buccaneers DFO Preview

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No one really cares about this team. The last time they were interesting, Mike Alstott was winning fans' hearts two yards at a time, and Jon Gruden was considered a quality football mind. With that in mind, this preview is gonna be a listicle. I'm lazy, you don't care, it's

Celebrity Super Bowl Picks: Tomi Lahren

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Many news organizations and pop culture websites report Super Bowl picks from today's hottest celebrities. Here at DoorFliesOpen, we decided to request picks from horrible people instead. Hatemongering attention whore Timmi Latrine answered the call and submitted this poorly-worded screed for our amusement. This is entirely unedited and in her

2018 World Cup Team Preview – Poland

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Poland enters the 2018 World Cup as a mystery wrapped in an enigma cloaked in bowling shirts. The Polandites qualified impressively, winning their group by 5 points over Denmark. However, their form since then has been spotty, and their recent World Cup history is as impressive as their screen-doored submarines

2018 World Cup Team Preview – Nigeria

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A random phone rings in a famous building...   White House Operator: Uh, hello? Mysterious Sexy-Voiced Protagonist: Yes, hello...I'm calling from Door Flies Open and looking to get some information on a foreign country. With whom am I speaking? White House Operator: This is Ivanka. MSVP (who is now obviously DFO): Wow, didn't expect that. Why

DFO Cocktail Hour – Exit Incognito

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As the days get longer and warmer, we here at DFO are sharing our favorite cocktails to help put that extra kick into your gatherings. Friends and family will salute your mixology acumen and your parties will be talked about for years to come. Just print out each recipe and

NFL Assistant Coaches: Pictorial Omnibus, Part Seven

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In our continuing series portraying the vagaries of life as an NFL assistant coach, I am honored to present our latest installation of photographs that will hopefully open up a new perspective on this demanding and captivating profession.                           We sincerely hope you have enjoyed our presentation, and please look for our

Rams at the Bye – A Tale of Redemption and How Much Jeff Fisher Sucks

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A few months ago, some idiot writer previewed the Cleveland Los Angeles St. Louis no wait once again it actually is Los Angeles Rams for the 2017 season. After breaking down the strengths and weaknesses of the team (and introducing #ThePauls to our shared lexicon), the writer predicted that the

Reince Priebus Tries To Plan The Inauguration

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The scene is one of quiet desperation, as GOP Chairman Reince Priebus tries to produce quality entertainment for the upcoming inaugural festivities. On a constant basis, musicians and celebrities have made it clear they would never consider bringing their talents to Washington to celebrate the incoming Cheeto-in-Chief; the current acts are limited to 3