We Won’t Have Mike Carey To Kick Around Any More

entropy - September 3, 2016September 3, 2016

(We open on a conference room at CBS Sports studios, where Sean McManus is obviously getting ready to deliver bad news to someone. Several low- and mid-level flunkies are seated at varous places around the conference table, eating the free donuts, drinking coffee, and a few are even snickering) Low Level Flunky:

CramBeet?: St. Swithin’s Day Massacre Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - September 1, 2016September 1, 2016

/Vault door shudders and creaks, whines and slowly withdraws, rolling to one side //A dirty, disheveled man in a torn jumpsuit peers out from the door frame, squinting against even the faint sunlight. His beard appears to be thick and bushy enough to hide Dan Snyder, but something still hints at

CrimeBeat!: Thirty Days in the Hole Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 23, 2016August 22, 2016

No time for love, Dr. Jones- let's get right down to it. BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED! PRESEASON MVPs CHARGE: Breach of promise OMG YOU GUYS DID YOU SEE DAK PRESCOTT! START HIM NOW! FUTURE EM VEE PEE! HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS! GGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! /passes out, loses bladder control. Oh yes, boys and girls, it's that time

A Stupid, Pointless Game Played by Top Shelf Douchebags

jjfozz - August 22, 2016

The last time my father hit me was on a golf course. I was 30 and he was 64. I was on a golf course doing what I do on a golf course – losing my collective shit because golf is the stupidest motherfucking game in the whole goddamn world. This includes

CrimeBeat!: Take 2 Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 16, 2016

So for the two of you who actually saw my post earlier, sorry for the headfake. I lost my grandfather last night (ironically, he had the winning square for "How Long Will He Outlive My Grandmother?") and I was getting all emo and Goth Aaron Rodgers and shit. But then I

The Dunghill of College Sports

jjfozz - August 15, 2016

College football is a fucking joke. Hey look! Iowa Asshole Polytechnic edged out Oklahoma Electrical Training Institute 65-8! It was close and we can’t wait for the rematch in the second annual North Dakota State Police Training Academy Brutality Bowl! What a contest. Give me a goddamn break. Every year we are

CrimeBeat!: “In five years the Spanos family will be completely legitimate” Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 9, 2016

Whelp, that's what comes of trying to be prepared. I figured since I was supposed to have trial this week I would pre-prep some of my weekly crap on Saturday and just keep it under the warming lamps until Tuesday. I got the idea from Golden Corral. So I had

CrimeBeat!: Take the Cannoli Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 2, 2016August 2, 2016

Well boys and girls, we made it. Training camps are all now officially "going on". Peter King is probably on some back road in Iowa between Mankato and Missouri Western State University, glorying in the soybean fields and meth shacks that he considers "Real America" and (God willing) getting crippling

CrimeBeat!: Isn’t This Where We Came In? Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - July 28, 2016July 28, 2016

Jeebus Cripes. As Albert Einstein (probably never) said, "When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity." And somehow the last year feels like

Thursday of Nothingness Open Thread (and Screed FOAR HillyBob)

King Hippo - July 14, 2016July 14, 2016

171

This week can eat an endless Vegas-style buffet of ass. El beisbol is interminable enough as it is without taking a 96-hour fucking coma in the middle of a COMPLETE FUCKING DROUGHT of sporting competition. No Lesser Footy, no el tenis, no fucking nothing. Just time to

CrimeBeat!: Better Never Than Late Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - July 12, 2016July 12, 2016

So yeah. In God's ongoing quest to drive me insane using ten thousand tiny frustrations, last week's best Crime News I Could Use came out an hour or so after I posted a disjointed bitchfest about how nothing good (for purposes of this column) had happened over the traditionally Target

CrimeBeat!: Anticlimax Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - July 5, 2016

Well fuckery. I mean, Fourth of July weekend is traditionally a feast for your everyday Pulp Sports Crime Writer, and not just because Uncle Rick and Aunt Rita made hot dogs AND ribs AND hot links AND italian beef AND that shitty Jello-mold thing. It's the perfect convergence of 1.