Author: Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Colin Kaepernick Makes A Tough Decision

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers -
36

2 WEEKS AGO - INTERIOR - COLIN KAEPERNICK'S BAY AREA HOME [COLIN KAEPERNICK is on the phone with his AGENT and is clearly very upset] KAEPERNICK: Absolutely not! I won't do it! AGENT: But Colin, if you don't, he'll cut you from the team. He's been trying to since day one! And you know how

Is Jim Caldwell Really A Pokémon In Disguise? A [DFO] Investigation

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers -
30

Not a lot is known about Jim Caldwell. For example, we have seen him coach at both the professional as well as collegiate levels during his years of employ, but despite all of this, we have only known of his true form for less than a year. I am sure

Request Line: Top of the Class

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers -
125

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY A pair of radio station employees stand in the production booth, obviously upset and arguing over something. STATION MANAGER: You said you wanted a businessman! That's what we've got! PRODUCER: I said a smart businessman! I'm amazed this guy can even tie his own shoes! DAN SNYDER: [In the

Your “Do You Want to Know the Terrifying Truth…?” Open Thread

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers -
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Good evening, folks. Beerguyrob is enjoying a much needed vacation this week from preparing your open threads. I am Low Commander of the Super Soldiers, and I will be your host tonight. We have entered that point in the off season where the only NFL news of note now involves bullshit

Hillary Clinton Gets a New Campaign Adviser

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers -
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[BROOKLYN, NEW YORK: HILLARY CLINTON'S CAMPAIGN OFFICE HEADQUARTERS] ROBBY MOOK: ...and that's why I'm no longer allowed at the Costco on 118th Street. But enough about my day off! As your Campaign Manager, I want to be the first to congratulate you on officially being declared the presumptive nominee! HILLARY CLINTON: Thank you,

Commentist Beer Barrel: In Space!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers -
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Good morning, evening or next Tuesday, fellow Commentists! Low Commander is here to man the Beer Barrel this week, as make it snow embarks on his yearly tradition of being a big quitter and thinking that he's better than you. Never fear, for there are a whole host of guests

Roger Goodell Has A Quiet Day At The Office

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers -
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345 Park Avenue, New York [Roger Goodell is sitting alone in his office in a massive black leather desk chair, humming the NFL Red Zone theme music as he fills out paperwork. For once, the curtains are open and the sun shines brightly into the usually gloomy, marble-columned office. The intercom