Why I Won’t Be Watching The NFL This Year: Your Las Vegas Raiders Season Preview (2023 Edition)

Four years ago, among other things, I wrote the following: My feelings toward my imminent divorce from the NFL are not too different.  Is the NFL bad for me?  That’s hard for me to say.  At this point in my life, though, the best I can say for it is that

Request Line: Exclamations!

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY… DJ 3000 and various other robot entities remain trapped in a time loop inside the KDFO recording studio.  The collection of robots (and cyborgs) and JOHN DIMAGGIO are spread out throughout the studio, in various reclining poses, enjoying the fresh breeze that is blowing through the portal.

Request Line: Self-Esteem (or Lack Thereof)

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY… DJ 3000 and various other robot entities remain trapped in a time loop inside the KDFO recording studio.  The collection of robots (and cyborgs) and JOHN DIMAGGIO are spread out throughout the studio, in various reclining poses, enjoying the fresh breeze that is blowing through the portal.

Request Line: Code Red

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY… DJ 3000 and various other robot entities remain trapped in a time loop inside the KDFO recording studio.  The collection of robots (and cyborgs) and JOHN DIMAGGIO are spread out throughout the studio, in various reclining poses, enjoying the fresh breeze that is blowing through the portal.

Request Line: Into the Wild Jungle

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY… DJ 3000 and various other robot entities remain trapped in a time loop inside the KDFO recording studio.  The collection of robots (and cyborgs) are spread out throughout the studio, in various reclining poses, enjoying the fresh breeze that is blowing through the portal, which is located

Request Line: The Beach

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY… DJ 3000 and various other robot entities remain trapped in a time loop inside the KDFO recording studio.  The collection of robots (and cyborgs) are spread out throughout the studio, in various reclining poses.  --- [door flies open] --- JOHN DIMAGGIO: [enters the room excitedly displaying an item] Hey

Request Line: Poverty and Wealth

EXT. SKID ROW ADJACENT MINI MART - DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - TUESDAY CUT TO: a disheveled-looking man standing on the sidewalk. JIM TOMSULA: I don't know about this, boys.  It's my last two dollars. DJ 3000: I'M TELLING YOU, IT'LL BE FINE. JIM TOMSULA: But what about dinner? A man's gotta eat. JOHNNY 2.5: DON'T SWEAT

Request Line: Tennis Anyone?

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY… DJ 3000 and various other robot entities remain trapped in a time loop inside the KDFO recording studio.  The collection of robots are all seated in front of the portal, watching raptly. A call of "fault!" is heard, and they all applaud politely.  --- [DOOR FLIES OPEN] --- JOHN

Request Line: Months and Years

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY… DJ 3000 and various other robot entities remain trapped in a time loop inside the KDFO recording studio. A miniaturized DJ 3000 continues to fiddle with a complicated contraption of wires and lenses, while a miniaturized PETUNIA, a half-sized JOHNNY 2.5, and a regular-sized JIM NANTZ 081-RD-92C

Request Line: Shelter

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY… DJ 3000 and various other robot entities remain trapped in a time loop inside the KDFO recording studio. A miniaturized DJ 3000 continues to fiddle with a complicated contraption of wires and lenses, while a miniaturized PETUNIA and MAXIMILIAN and regular-sized RUSSELL WILSON and RQBOCOP look on.

Request Line: Toxins

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY/NIGHT/DAY… DJ 3000 and various other robot entities remain trapped in a time loop inside the KDFO recording studio. A miniaturized DJ 3000 continues to fiddle with a complicated contraption of wires and lenses, while a miniaturized PETUNIA and MAXIMILIAN and regular-sized PED-209 and JIM NANCE 081-RD-92C look on.  DJ