Your “They Keep Pulling Me Back In!” Thursday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob - February 23, 2017February 23, 2017

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Dammit! I keep trying to avoid the NFL, but stupidity keeps bringing it to the fore: "Aaron Hernandez's Attorneys Might Argue That Weed Made Him Violent" - Deadspin At first, this sounded like something out of the Jeff Sessions "War on Drugs" playbook. Or a discarded Crimebeat! post. Actually reading

CrimeBeat!: Gift Horse Edition Part I

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 21, 2017February 21, 2017

So, over the last year of doing this "column," I have bitched on numerous occasions in the past about how desolate and bereft of Crime News I Can Use the off-season can be. But like the Monkey's Paw or online dating, one should be wary of that for what one

CrimeBeat!: Breaking News Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 17, 2017

WE NOW INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED "HARD RIDE TO NOWHERE" TO BRING YOU THIS SPECIAL REPORT: Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. I have the solemn duty to inform you that at 4:42 p.m., DFO Substandard Time on February 16, an unscheduled Jets Schadenfreude Day was launched from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Reports are still

Better Know A Guy Who’s Going To Screw Up Your Franchise For The Next 2-4 Years: Aftermath Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 15, 2017February 15, 2017

Whelp, the NFL Head Coaching Carousel appears to have come to a screeching halt with Kyle Shanahan's coronation as 49er's head "coach". Unless, of course, Jim Irsay reawakens from one of his quaalude-induced power naps and drops the hammer on Chuck Pagano. So: who is going to be the albatross around

CrimeBeat!: Whistling Past the Graveyard Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 8, 2017February 7, 2017

/closes eyes, pinches bridge of nose, puffs out cheeks and blows out breath. Ok. Ok. You can do this, Mayhem. //opens eyes, stares at the gaunt, haunted face in the mirror. It's going to be fine. You can make lemonade. You can make a silk purse. You can be a lawyer and politics

And now, a message from King Roger I

Senor Weaselo - February 6, 2017February 5, 2017

♫ set to the music of "You'll Be Back" from Hamilton ♫ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdxLohjwhoQ You say The price of my sport's not a price that you're willing to pay, You cry There's nothing to do but hate-watch and hope Tom Brady dies. Why so sad? Remember we made an arrangement to dictate your falls, Now you're making me mad, 'Cause maybe the season

Your “I Waited All Season For This?” Super Bowl and Related Entertainment Shenanigans Open Thread

scotchnaut - February 5, 2017

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As Barry Manilow would caterwaul, "Looks like we made it" to our second Super Bowl as a bunch of kid-like creatures that exist under the DFO banner. Well done everyone! [waits for ecstatic applause to die down] It just goes to show you what can be done with a wee

Joe and Troy: A Viewpoint

Shogun Marcus - February 2, 2017

(Based on somewhat accurate reports.) America's Game of the Weak! Welcome to this sea of unwashed, drunken hobbits. I am here, despite my pleas, alongside this braindead troll. So Troy where do you think you are this time? I MUST KILL BATMAN! I'm sorry folks it seems Troy thinks he's still King Tut.

Celebrity Superb Owl Picks: Sean Spicer

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 1, 2017February 1, 2017

COWARDLY MEDIA WHORE TRADING JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY FOR ACCESS: Good evening, and welcome to CNN. Tonight, we turn to a somewhat lighter topic than normal: picking the winner of the upcoming Super Bowl. With us tonight is professional faux-liberal doormat Alan Colmes... COLMES: Thank you. I'm just so happy to be... WHORE: And

An Oath to Bleergh

Shogun Marcus - February 1, 2017January 31, 2017

We speak openly of Bleergh in this house. He doth rule our being. Believing in his ways is immaterial, as we have all exclaimed faint promise of hope that he will guide our chosen toward salvation. He cares not. His way is law, and we are all victim to it.

New Chargers Helmet Design Proposals

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers - January 27, 2017January 27, 2017

It's been a strange couple of weeks in San Diego. There has been talk of clearing the land on the site where Qualcomm Stadium used to stand, following BOLTMAN'S exodus, in order to make way for a bid at attracting a new sport to San Diego: MLS Soccer. The plan

CrimeBeat!: Giving Up the Gun Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - January 26, 2017January 26, 2017

[Note From The "Author": pursuant to a number of comments across multiple posts, CrimeBeat! will officially be a politics-free zone until things calm the fuck down. I trust that you are all (mostly) intelligent adults who understand the responsibility to keep yourselves informed and participate in the political process. I