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Category: Assholes
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Diary of a Panic Attack Pt. 1
Sup, kiddos. I used to suffer from the occasional panic attack episodes (meaning 1-4 over the span of 2-3 days) every year, year and…
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CrimeBeat!: Drafticipation Edition
OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ! The Honorable, the Right Reverend Electric Mayhem. All persons having business before this poorly-written, barely coherent pseudo-tabloid-news-show internet column are admonished…
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CrimeBeat!: Celebratory Edition
Alright kids- turns out I am doing this week’s CrimeBeat!, because my Dad ended up defying expectations and not dying on the operating table.…
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A Friendly Conversation
Operator: Greater Raleigh Telephone Operator Extension, how may I direct your call?….I see, yes sir, one moment please….(Phone Clicks)…Alright, you are connected to the video conference line to…
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CrimeBeat!: Lesser Sports Week
Holy piss, it’s another CrimeBeat! So this is the only week between now and the draft that I will concede a “normal” person can…
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CrimeBeat!: Thirty Days Has Smarch
Oh god. The nightmares. The craving. The soul-crushing emptiness for those of us who do not Sully Ourselves with thoughts of Lesser Sports. The…
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CrimeBeat!: Rob Ford Memorial Edition
Ladies and gentlemen, sad news from the sporting world today as Toronto Councillo(u)r Rob Ford passed away at 46. We here at CrimeBeat! extend…
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CrimeBeat!: Booooooooooorrred
Mother pus bucket…this is what I have to deal with? Jesus, the phrase is “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” You’re handing me…
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CrimeBeat!: Meth-Smoking Clown Arrested at Waffle House
Welcome again, imaginary Internet friends! Ohhh men. MEN! The offseason blotter is finally heating up, and CrimeBeat! is here with as many of the…
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CrimeBeat!: For Whom The Bell-End Tolls
It was another boring week here at CrimeBeat!- no one went batshit at the Combine, there were no Fax Machine Malfunctions at the franchise…