CrimeBeat!: Take the Cannoli Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 2, 2016August 2, 2016

Well boys and girls, we made it. Training camps are all now officially "going on". Peter King is probably on some back road in Iowa between Mankato and Missouri Western State University, glorying in the soybean fields and meth shacks that he considers "Real America" and (God willing) getting crippling

CrimeBeat!: Isn’t This Where We Came In? Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - July 28, 2016July 28, 2016

Jeebus Cripes. As Albert Einstein (probably never) said, "When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity." And somehow the last year feels like

[DFO] Theogyny: The Feast of the Suspension

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - June 30, 2016June 30, 2016

[1] Lo, and once every summer, Venus and Jupiter and Rigel III shall come into alignment, [2] an obscure and ancient bell shall toll within in NFL Headquarters, and the Watcher of The Seals [3] shall be shuffleth out of his office with an antiquated boombox bigger than he. [D]

CrimeBeat!: Drafticipation Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - April 19, 2016April 19, 2016

OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ! The Honorable, the Right Reverend Electric Mayhem. All persons having business before this poorly-written, barely coherent pseudo-tabloid-news-show internet column are admonished to draw near and give their attention, for the Chief Asshat is now sitting. God save the Commentariat and this Sport we love and revile. We have

Balls of Steel’s AFL Beat – Midweek Special!

ballsofsteelandfury - April 12, 2016April 10, 2016

I know you're disappointed that, for travel-related reasons, your weekly dose of AFL Beat will be delayed. In an effort to tide you over, I offer this little analysis I did in which I asked the question: What if the NFL used the AFL system to determine playoff seedings? I compiled the

NFL Speakeasy Stories: 400 gon

blaxabbath - January 4, 2016January 1, 2016

When there is nowhere else to go.... Angel’s Share, East Village. 2:47 am, January 4th, 2016 The reverberation of the celebratory fireworks subsided 45 minutes ago. The final revelers exited 30 minutes ago. And the house lights would shut themselves down in 3...2... "One...And click." His voice echoed. Tonight would be the same as every since

TURDSDAY NIGHT FOOT FETISH

WCS - November 12, 2015November 12, 2015

650

Well, here it is. Our favorite greatest coach ever gets his shot as the new(ish) head man of the Buffalo Bills. The Bills visit Met Life Stadium at 4-4 (2-1) against a surprisingly competent Jets team, who is 5-3 (3-1). I'm not sure I'm comfortable with living in a world where

I am Keenan Allen’s Lacerated Kidney

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly - November 11, 2015March 23, 2016

YOU WAKE UP at MetLife Stadium. Every kickoff and kneeldown, when the ball was booted off a tee or snapped by the center, I prayed for an injury. That moment cures my insomnia with narcolepsy when we might die helpless and packed human tobacco on the sideline. This is how I met

CaptaIKn

blaxabbath - November 10, 2015November 10, 2015

Ever one to be talking trash at .500 (including a loss to the Jaguars), Rex Ryan has announced that QB face-puncher Ik Enemkpali will be a Bills team captain on Thursday Night Football against the Jets. As the Jets enter the game 5-3 and very much in the AFC wildcard

Your Early Slate O’ Games Open Thread

scotchnaut - September 27, 2015

523

Let's do some games... Atl @ Dal: Cowboys QB play should be wince-ertaining. Wouldn't it be great if Dez threw a tantrum while watching from the sidelines? Falcons CB Trufant should take Williams out of the game leaving Potden with...Dunbar out of the backfield? Witten might be able to do something

Haht of Dahkness: Down the Masshole

trollsoharduniversity - September 10, 2015September 11, 2015

Here we are: standing on the cusp of another season of Football. It seemed like the offseason stupidity might never end, but unless the world explodes between now and the start of tonight's game, it has indeed concluded. And all we have to endure is an NBC pregame show where

Haht of Dahkness: My Jet Crashed Behind Enemy Lines

trollsoharduniversity - August 24, 2015September 10, 2015

My name is Troll-So-Hard University, and I'm a fan of the New York Football Jets. Well, I used to be a fan of the Jets, until I sat down and wrote my Top 5 moments in my history of being a Jets fan: 1. Halftime of the 1998 AFC Championship Game 2.