Assholes

TB12Tots: Your Guide to Safely Endangering Children

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem -
17

Hi, I'm Tom Brady. You may remember me from giving your asshole acquaintances from Boston an undeserved sense of accomplishment for the last 18 years. People ask me, "How could you, a man generally considered bright enough to tie his own shoelaces without drooling on himself overmuch, decide that it was

Your Saturday Evening “It Looks Bad If We Leave Them There” Open Thread

Beerguyrob -
108

We are well into summer now, and I want to vent about something: lost tourists. Now, I don't want to complain about the driving type of lost tourist. That's honest, and at least they are trying to follow a map. No, I want to complain about the type of lost tourist that

Los Fanáticos Argentinos Reaccionan Razonablemente

ballsofsteelandfury -
11

Balls Note: As a result of a special request from King Hippo, I'm doing this post entirely in Spanish. Take it as an opportunity to practice and learn something new! Special thanks to Don T for providing the images you will shortly enjoy. ¡Buenos días, mis amigos! Estoy

TWIFY: Qatar. Today’s Copa América team Preview

Wakezilla -
30

 Wakezilla sitting in the back of a limo while his driver, a black male, has a stressed look on his face, is driving on Salwa road in Doha, Qatar. Wakezilla: Marhaba! Assalamu Alaikum my DFO friends! Your pal Wakezilla recently got a life changing promotion that required me to move to

We need to talk about last night’s Paradise Hotel: Chlamydia Stew

ballsofsteelandfury -
14

I swear to you that I have better taste. I do not just exclusively watch skanky reality television. Last night, I had finished dinner and I was perusing the channel guide when I saw that Paradise Hotel was airing on FOX. Unlike with Temptation Island, I had never seen

A Tradition Like Any Other: Augusta National Can F*** Right Off

WCS -
46

Here's a secret: I despise the dipshits who run Augusta National Golf Club. Glad-handing, misogynist dickheads who use the ideas of "tradition" and "the old ways" to actively make their golf tournament as white as possible. IT'S A GOLF TOURNAMENT YOU FUCKING FUCKS. Fuck these people with Satan's chainsaw wang. Yeah,

So Much Lesser Footy, So Much HATE

King Hippo -
157

Yes, that obnoxious bleating Geordie will be creaming his knickers all over Real and Barca this afternoon (2:45 EST, BeIn).  Yet another el Clasico, coming off the heels of a dull as dishwater Copa tie mid-week.  Same location, even. But my blood is up, yet again, for the Merseyside Derby (Sunday,

CrimeBeat!: Patriots Schadenfreude Day Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem -
136

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh dear...it's so sweet it should come with a vial of insulin...I though "ROFL" was just an expression.... Brothers and sisters, we live in an Age of Common Wonders.  We can talk instantaneously to someone on the other side of the planet and we think nothing of it. We have computers

Celebrity Super Bowl Picks: Tomi Lahren

SonOfSpam -
9

Many news organizations and pop culture websites report Super Bowl picks from today's hottest celebrities. Here at DoorFliesOpen, we decided to request picks from horrible people instead. Hatemongering attention whore Timmi Latrine answered the call and submitted this poorly-worded screed for our amusement. This is entirely unedited and in her