Fake Press Conferences

It’s Thursday Already? Carpenter Afternoon Hang-Out

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Maybe it's just me, but the week immediately after the Superb Owl always tend to drag a little. There's almost a sense of dread, the looming off-season is now officially here, and the build-up for the game this week isn't there. If you're Jest or The Pauls fan, it's a

Breaking News: Wakezilla signs with the Miami Dolphins! (Your Miami Dolphins Preview)

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/Scene begins in a press conference room in Miami. The media are already seated when a dopey looking guy walks up to the podium. Dopey guy begins to speak in a deep, but hoarse voice: Hello everyone, welcome to today's press conference of September 7th, 2020. As you know, we have

Orchids of Asia Day Spa Report Context

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  Good Morning and thank you all for being our here today on such a chilly Boston morning. I am speaking before you this morning to share valuable insight regarding last week's allegations that my boyfriend of seven years but not father of my 10 month old child, Mr Robert Kraft, will

TALES FROM THE METEOR! – A Case of Mistaken Identity

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Editor's Note: here at DFO, many of us are not satisfied with the Super Bowl matchup. For some of us, this is because we hate both teams at a level that rivals Philip Rivers' hatred for birth control. For others, our seething hatred of one team is more than enough

Vikings Coach Mike Zimmer Faces the Music and Dances

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Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer did not conduct a press conference Friday in which he addressed the team’s blowout 38-7 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles in the NFC Championship game and offered a few thoughts on what the future might bring for the team. “It was a combination of factors,”

Despite Worrying Preseason, Mike Zimmer ‘Cautiously Optimistic’ in Press Conference

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Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer did not conduct a press conference on Tuesday in which he attempted to sound a note of optimism after what has been a disappointing performance by Minnesota's starters in the preseason. "I think we have reason to feel good," said Zimmer, despite the evidence of

Your “All About That (In)Action, Boss!”” Monday Evening Open Thread

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NFL News: Tracy Porter has been waived by the Bears. Backup QB news: Matt McGloin has been signed by the Eagles T.J. Yates has been signed by the Bills. The Bills also signed Ian Seau, the undrafted free-agent nephew of Junior and proof the Spanos family wouldn't know a good PR

New DFO Addition!

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We at DFO are incredibly pleased to have scored a major coup!  We've been working hard to give you the best #content on the NFL, cooking, and anal sex this side of the Internet and we are proud to present to you the newest member of our team.  It was

Celebrity Superb Owl Picks: Sean Spicer

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COWARDLY MEDIA WHORE TRADING JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY FOR ACCESS: Good evening, and welcome to CNN. Tonight, we turn to a somewhat lighter topic than normal: picking the winner of the upcoming Super Bowl. With us tonight is professional faux-liberal doormat Alan  Colmes... COLMES: Thank you. I'm just so happy to be... WHORE: And

Chip Kelly Calls a Press Conference

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INTERIOR – 49ERS PRACTICE FACILITY - SANTA CLARA, CA [A group of reporters are seated around a podium, chatting among themselves. A large figure enters the room and slowly waddles up to the microphone.] Chip Kelly: Thank you all for gathering here today. I know that there have been a lot of

A Breaking Announcement

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Now, I could be down in Pittsburgh with the Yinzbergians. ::Crown Groans:: Or giving a stump speech in Cincinnati, oh-Hi-Oh. ::Crowd Groans Louder:: I've even been approached to come down to give a speech and...AND...accept the key to the city, from the people of CLEVELAND. ::Crowd Boos:: Because they think that, just because they vote before you, that